Apparently she'd spoken to this other MHN from my past, who immediately remembered me (I'm always doubtful when healthcare professionals say that). She didn't have any of her cards, so she tore out the one taped to her folder and gave it to me.
When I saw the GP the next day, she said she wants to wait a while before putting in the referral to the new MHN, so I can 'adjust and recover' first. I'm not too sure how I'm supposed to feel any better without anyone to help, but whatever. Who knows, maybe it's a good thing, maybe not. I was hoping she'd write the referral then so I didn't have a gap. I just didn't feel like I could speak up. I know it sounds pathetic and takes away any right to complain, but my head just screams 'why bother'.
Anyway, back to the MHN. She talked a lot about Immersion Therapy. She thinks it'd be good for me if I had the right support. Basically it's doing what scares you but doing it in a safe way. My agoraphobia challenge/resolution would be a similar concept, I guess. But to be honest, I think I really need something safer fist.
She told me this story of a girl, and basically she could've been me. Abuse, anxiety, unable to go into town because of the intense fear of seeing this one person in a city of 215,000. She did Immersion Therapy, and slowly worked towards going into town, first in very safe and supported situations, and gradually taking away those safe elements. She pointed out how unlikely it'd be that this girl would ever see their abuser, and that she had not seen him, like it was never a rational fear.
"Because, really, what's the worst that could happen? A panic attack?"
I wanted to yell "No, you bitch, maybe my worst nightmares will come true the next time I see Him? I used to see Him at least once a year up until the point I stopped going in."
But I didn't. I just shook my head, frustrated beyond belief.
"I have similar reasons for not going into town, and a lot worse could happen."
There's a reason why all of my outings are a fair drive away.
I was obviously upset, and she started probing. Trauma was the last thing I wanted to talk about when I already felt so low.
What scares you?
Who scares you?"
I just wanted to scream. I just wanted her to stop talking about it. It's too painful and too hard and I can't talk about it. Besides, she'll be gone next week, so why should I put myself through it?
"I just don't know what to do any more."
She said that doctors, therapists etc. shouldn't always just tell people what to do. It's better to provide them with the information and resources and let them come to their own conclusions. Not to mention that a lot of people go out there and do the exact opposite
"How would you feel if I said - Bella, you have to...?"
"Like someone wants to help."
"So what if I suggested Equine therapy?" (which we'd been talking about earlier)
"Agoraphobia... anxiety... groups of people... unsafe places... unsafe people..."
I just feel stuck. They keep suggesting people I should see and things I should do, and I just can't.
"Besides, I don't mean like what type of therapy I should try. I mean I don't know what to do today, this week, next week. I'm just so lost. So stuck. Getting through each day is so hard right now. I just don't know what to do with myself. I can't do anything."
"There's gotta be something out there that can help you... obviously it's not medication."
Obviously! At least I laughed. But you can't blame me for being desperate and still hoping and trying.
She also gave me a couple of relaxation CDs, which are along the same lines as mindfulness and hypnosis, but potentially more appropriate for me than the actual mindfulness CD. I'm just trying to grab as many CDs and pieces of paper as I can. I think I've been hesitating on the mindfulness one because the track we kept listening to asked you to focus on an uncomfortable emotion and identify how it feels in different body parts. And I just can't do that right now. I need things that are more like the 'do one thing at a time, list all the sounds you can hear' kind of mindfulness.
The last few weeks haven't been so great. I feel like I'm on autopilot, just getting through each day.
When I'm not a total wreck or staring blankly into space, I've been spending a lot of time gaming (Heroes of Might & Magic II, currently). A lot. It seems to be my default at the moment. I'm watching too many movies and TV shows. I've watched more Dr Phil episodes in the last week than I probably have in my entire life. Last night I stayed up until 4:30am, just watching Dr Phil episodes on YouTube for 8+ hours.
Anything I can try to immerse myself in. It zones me out so I don't have to think, so I don't have to be in the world. At that moment my existence consists of lying on the couch, chain smoking in the dark, cracking a new can of Coke Zero every two hours.
In other news, the dietician is thankfully back this Tuesday. I've missed her a lot. I'm really not ready to start seeing her less often. I can't even remember the last time we've had three weeks between appointments. She's really so good to me with not missing appointments - most of the time, she'll come in just for my early-bird appointment even if she has to dash off somewhere else. So I'm certainly not complaining that she's had some much-deserved time off.
Then on Wednesday I have my last ever appointment with the mental health nurse. So... yeah.
I feel like I'm so behind on things I should be doing. Including emails and comments, sorry guys, I'm trying to catch up. I'm just not doing things. The days keep disappearing and I've done nothing.
And just as a quick note, this Tuesday 20th marked two years since our beautiful girl Silky passed away. I'll never forget that day, how quickly she was gone, or seeing the moment the light left her eyes. But I'll also never forget her.