Saturday, 31 January 2015

The Breakup

My last appointment with the mental health nurse was this week, and it didn't go as well as it could've.

Long story short, about 15 minutes in, we'd been chit-chatting about small stuff, and she asks about osteoporosis, and if my GP and dietician had agreed on what supplements I need to take yet (which they haven't).
"I wonder what foods are the highest in calcium... it's probably bloody impossible to eat all you need anyway."
"No, most people can get enough through food, I just can't."
"...ohh, because of the Anorexia? I thought you were managing that."

And that's when it all came crashing down. Granted, I don't talk to her about ED stuff. The dietician's the only one I trust enough. But I didn't take it well. I could feel a meltdown coming on, and I left crying
"I might as well just die now, I'm just a worthless, fat piece of shit."

I haven't walked out of an appointment like that in months. And I had to do it at my last appointment. We were barely a quarter through.

Out to the car, full-scale breakdown in the car park. I was so upset, I wanted to tear my skin off.
Mum went back in and talked to her, and they both came out to the car.

I felt awful. She kept apologizing, saying she stuffed up and didn't mean it that way at all. But I felt so low, I was spiralling.
"I'm not managing it, I'm not managing it at all, I don't talk to you about it but that doesn't mean I'm managing it, but obviously I am because I'm such a fucking fatass."

It was the first time any of my team have seen me in full breakdown mode. With the MHN, crying has usually involved sitting bolt upright with my jaw clenched, trying my hardest now to crack. Now I was curled up in a ball, crying harder than any of them have seen me, repeating that I can't do this, I can't do this, oh god, I fucked up.
I heard her ask mum something about if this sort of breakdown was out of the ordinary, but unfortunately it's not.

"It was my last appointment and I fucked up and now I can't see you any more and I fucked it up."

She'd called the home phone that morning, and offered to drop by, but having people over panics me, so mum just put it on speaker so I could listen. Although she can't keep me on long term, she offered to see me once more to catch up when she gets back from her holidays in a month, and to come to the first few appointments with the new MHN.

Since she'll have finished her current job, she'd said we could either meet at her office in town or my house or meet at a park or for coffee, but all of them terrified me. I told her I can't go out to town, or anywhere public in my city, and having people over to the house scares me even more. So she said she could even come for a drive and we can talk in the car, which is sadly probably the safest bet.

I'm just hating myself for it. I needed that appointment so badly and I wasn't even in there half an hour. I needed it so badly that I'd tried to get a second appointment the day before. But I fucked it up. I can't even feel sad about it, because I fucked it up. I want to tear my skin apart.

I fucked it up.
And I deserve to feel as bad as I do.



  1. It's awful when you lose it. I'm sorry to hear you had such an awful meltdown. Most mental health workers are used to it though as it's part of their job. Do you think you might possibly still have a chance? Or do you really think you couldn't go back? I hope you are okay!

  2. Ow....sweetie....

    You must feel devastated.

    It is not your fault that you took that comment so's the illness, the anxiety, and even more everything building up inside and another person leaving and you fully realizing all the limitations you have due to your past and your problems.
    But none of that, please read carefully : NONE of that is your fault. I am absolutely sure that you would live happily ever after if that magic pill existed.
    I am also sure that this is not what you want or have planned or like to be doing, it's all stupid painfull side effect of what you have been through and the problems it all caused. Don't blame yourself, please don't. You are trying so hard and you do not deserve any of this....

    And my puppy seems to agree cause he is trying his best to lick my screen...I think he would like to comfort you too


  3. Whoopsie! !

    I've gone crazy too over seemingly innocent remarks. Don't worry I'm sure she's seen worse. It's her job.

    Let's face it you wouldn't be there if everything was all good!!

    having said that she has often been a bit blunt but I'm sure she is a good professional.

    It'll blow over. Couple of days you'll feel bit brighter. X

  4. Oh sweetheart
    I am so sorry this happened on your last appointment
    But darling you didn't fuck up
    All you did was react to a thoughtless comment
    I've had comments like this before too
    I remember once a nurse said to mr that I wasn't 'that bad'
    I freaked and felt like such a failure
    These people think they are saying the right thing
    But we with EDs interpret them in a totally different way
    I'm sure she meant no harm by her comment
    She may have even thought she was being helpful
    But I would have reacted in the same way
    I think anyone with an ED would have

    Bella please try not to beat yourself up over this
    It's not your fault
    It's the disorder
    The illness
    No one can blame you for that
    When we are in the midst of our disorder
    We are hyper sensitive
    We internalise everything
    And blame ourselves
    But you are not to blame Bella
    Not one little bit

    You know you are a special person
    I have always thought so
    And you proved that again by the beautiful and thoughtful gift you sent me
    You are important
    You matter
    To me and a lot of others
    You told me in your card that I am one of your closest friends
    Well you are also one of mine
    And are so dear to me
    I can't even explain how much you mean to me

    I love you always x

  5. Just remember that these are your illnesses and anxieties making you feel this way... which I mean as it's not your fault, and it's not her fault, and no one is upset with you.

    I really hope you can take the opportunity to keep seeing your MH nurse even if it is in a non-traditional setting. This will help ease your transition to your new nurse... which I think is a very important step in your treatment. I don't want you to be alone and without help. All of these people are really truly trying to help you, since you do NOT deserve to just feel so shitty and low all the time.

    Bella, you are a beautiful human with a huge heart. I know that everything seems so overwhelming and impossible all the time, but you have made it over 20 years on this earth and managed to cultivate some amazing and important skills and characteristics... to name a few, you are immeasurably kind and thoughtful and have MAD sewing skills! Many people make it to 40 or even 80 without having done half that much! Please try not to forget those great things about yourself in the midst of the darkness.

    I sent you an email, but you haven't replied... which might be because you didn't get it, or you might not have enough energy to respond to my rambling (which is totally fine!). So I want to publicly declare my gratitude for the beautiful package you sent! I was having a tough day when it arrived and the apron and card and chocolate really made my low feeling melt away. Thank you for sending me something that you made with your own two hands!

    So anyway... I hope you start feeling a bit better. You deserve to be happy and healthy and live a full life. Everyone deserves that - especially sweet, kind people like yourself! And if Ruby is any indication, there is so much hope, even when everything seems hopeless. You won't feel this way forever.

    I'm sending you lots and lots of love.

  6. You didn't fuck up. You went to the appointment and did the best you could. It's understandable that you got emotional over a badly judged comment, especially as you were already stressed out about having your final appointment. Don't be too hard on yourself - it's not your fault that you're having to change nurses and you're not responsible for other people's insensitivity.

    Having had a professional witness you having a bit of a meltdown might help them to get a better understanding of just how tough things are for you. You have nothing to be ashamed of. xx

  7. my heart is literally sinking in my chest. this is not going to be a pleasant thing to read and I could already tell. i'm so sorry. I really am.

    my head is literally trying to block out that sentence about how you're worthless and fat. because you're not. you're neither of those things. you are worth more than gold, and you are so frail that I really hope your body can hold on when it comes to that weight. I can't push you to recover when your mood is so bad, but that doesn't mean i'm okay with how little you are right now. <3

    you are not any of those things. I can nearly reconstruct your thought processing just from that one statement. because she said that you were managing it, and she, of all people, shouldn't have dared to say that. because your mind picked at it, and then it just spiraled from there. let me tell you: just because you don't talk about it doesn't mean that we can't visibly see you struggling. and I can't even imagine how it must be when this woman sees you. she's not worth it right now.

    you are worth so much. you really are.

    you fucked up nothing. nothing at all. it happened. yes, you had a breakdown but you've been keeping so much in for so long. I just hope you're not dwelling on it too much. because I know how i'd feel after one of those: i'd feel absolutely humiliated - with that whole aching sinking feeling in my stomach (it's horrible and I know you've probably felt it too), but honestly? it's not your fault. it isn't. it's nobody's fault. it just happened. and i'm sorry that it did.

    you fucked none of it up. listen, sweetie. if this was me, what would you tell me? because that's always your answer right there. you didn't. you're amazing. and i'm sorry that you're feeling this way. I really am. I would literally give anything to ease your pain a bit. I am genuinely close to tears at the moment. I don't want you to feel like this. I don't. and I am so sorry that you were in so much pain that you just...

    I love you a lot, Bella. and I wish I said something there in that congealed mess that made you feel a little better, okay? even if it's just a little.

    -Sam Lupin

  8. You did not fuck up, you had an understandable meltdown and as a professional healt care worker she should be able to handle it.

    And you are not worthless. You are, hands down, the prettiest girl I have ever met on the 'net and I wish you could see yourself through my eyes.

  9. Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry you felt that way. You're not any of those things you say you are, honestly. You did not fuck it up, you had a breakdown and it wasn't your fault honey.


  10. Aww Bells I'm so sorry to read this - I'm sorry you're having to go through this. You DO NOT deserve to feel like that! I am really glad to hear that MHN is willing to meet with you and help you transition better - I hope that will have positive outcomes for you and won't cause even more anxiety.

    I hope you are feeling a little better today! xox

  11. comment reply:

    "Tee hee hee, you said 'heiny'." yes, yes, I did. don't tell my future patients (hopefully).

    " love you Sammy. Not only do your comments make me smile against all odds, but it's more of a :3 smile than just a :) smile. You're fabulous and I'm sorry I'm short on words." honestly, I don't care at all if you are short on words. you are important to me. you are very important to me. it always makes me smile to know that my comment helped, even if a bit, or made you smile. honestly, I would gladly live my life just trying to make you smile.


    -Sam Lupin

  12. Hope you are feeling a bit better by now. If you want some advice I suggest you go down to your local beach before sunrise. Not too many people about. You can sit there on a blanket, wrapped in a blanket with your mum (if she'll be in it) for a half hour watching the sun rise and it will be a good quick outing for you. It might give you a mini boost & remind you every days a new day. Then go home before anyone else turns up. X

  13. @ comment reply:

    "I've tried a few flavours of B&J. I... don't really like them *ducks and hides*"

    let me tell you a secret about me that nobody knows: a lot of times I would buy things because they look so cute. Ben and Jerry pints look cute. they don't taste THAT brilliant. it's just I have to overexaggerate things. like Questies. the biggest excitement I have is having one in my pocket, or having one in the fridge, or just staring at the packaging - the actual taste experience isn't that amazing. a very childish trait but an interesting one.

    my favourite types of ice-creams always come in cones, but I rarely eat cone ice-creams because the pints look so cute so I buy those. then I realize 'wow, these are expensive!' and don't buy any cones or ice-creams-on-sticks (another favourite). but the biscuit-ice-cream-topping hybrid is perfeeeeect.

    "They have this one called Kat-Teaser, caramel icecream with caramel syrup and chunks of Kit Kat and whole Malteasers... Then there's Boost Bar Revolution, which is vanilla with cookie crumbs and chocolate-caramel chocolate bar bits. Those are my faves." oh my god. why do you do this? you definitely wrote this to get me to Australia. you and your Maple Tree Hugger ice-creams. and your large abundance of Arnott's products (i'm pretty sure it's Australia/NZ though I may be wrong).

    " It tasted so chemical and fake and gross compared to Kat-Teaser." sounds like it, man. nothing's like the actual stuff. when I was in Thaliand, they also did their ice-cream fresh on site, and it was absolutely beautiful...

    ("another issue i would like to bring up is the fact that there is not enough caramel ice-cream."
    I think I love you. Wait, no, I know I love you. I have a dozen bottles of caramel topping and heaps of caramel and toffee Skinny Cow sundaes stashed. It is the best. There is never enough.) ah, I know I love you too. you know the struggle, man.

    "I really want to make you an all-peanut butter peanut butter cake. I'll even pipe little flowers and write your name in PB." I actually can imagine this. oh, man.

    "THAT'S ME I'M AUSTRALIAN I KNOW THESE I'VE SEEN THESE! They advertise them like mad at the gas station right down the road from me." whenever I mention Australia, i'm always directly talking to you (winks). oh, man...I hope my local supermarket does that thing where they decide LET'S IMPORT THINGS FROM AUSTRALIA (they've done it before) and stuff the supermarket with stuff and maybe, just maybe, i'd try it. the probability is I won't like it, or I would really like it. but man...

    (One of the things I love about talking to you and leaving you comments is that I don't go "oh, that's not relevant, oh, that's not important". It's just like "I have a thought and you're gonna hear it".) YES. GIVE ME YOUR THOUGHT PROCESSING. I want to heaaaaaaaaaaar it.

    I got excited at this comment won't lie.

    also, I love you

    -Sam Lupin