Thursday, 1 January 2015

Reflection and Resolutions

The New Year is here. I was asleep at midnight after one Black Russian, and spent the night writing up my new intake and smoking notebooks for the year and finishing up the old ones.

I don't normally have New Years resolutions. In fact, I'm pretty sure last year was the first year I set a resolution. Last year I decided to set myself the challenge of getting out of the house once a month, excluding appointments. Overall I had nine outings, and missed four months.

In January I went out to pick up a new electric blanket do a little shopping.
In February I did a short walk at the You Yangs.

March, I finally got my second nipple piercing after being asymmetrical for the last three years.
Nothing in April, although I turned 21.
In May we went to the cheese factory in Warrnambool, and bought 8kg of cheese.

I didn't go out for a few months after that. In June I was admitted to hospital for a COPD exacerbation. It was my second admission for COPD, and I was there for eleven days.

There were quite a few experiences during this admission.
I had my first anesthesia. The Lung Doctor Man decided a bronchoscopy was necessary to take biospsies, after the first few days of the tests and treatments weren't doing anything.
I had two nurses and a doctor try to unscrew the balls on my nipple piercings for an x-ray because I hadn't taken them out before (leaving one in had been fine in the past).
And an arterial blood gas test to get a super accurate reading of my oxygen levels (this involved being stabbed in the wrist with a needle and blood spurting all over the bed and the doctor).

I had to remove all of my piercings for the tests
I've been on antibiotics more often than not this year. It's hard for me to define when infections begin and end, which isn't helped by their frequency. I'm never 100% sure if I'm actually sick until I see a doctor, or if it's just in my head.

I didn't go out again until the last day of August when we did another walk at the You Yangs.

I didn't go out in September.
Then in October I went out for dinner at an Indian restaurant with my mum, brother, and his fiance.
November we went back to Warrnambool to do some shopping, and of course stop at the cheese factory (add another 5kg of cheese).
And in December I tried-and-failed to go Christmas shopping, and also went out to dinner again at the same Indian restaurant.

This year my resolutions are to continue with my once-a-month agoraphobia challenge. I'm also going to try to save some money from each pay, which I've always been shocking at. I bought myself a lock-box a few weeks ago, and hopefully saving paper money will be more successful than banking it.

Last year my GP finally got me to see a mental health nurse, who I met in May. This was a huge step because I've been actively running from anyone from the mental health field for years, but my GP didn't give me much choice. Unfortunately, her job is now most likely disappearing early this year. I don't even know what to say here. It just all sucks.

I did a little bit of sewing last year. I made a couple of pin cushions, a couple of skirts, and the Tatters and Rags skirt, as well as starting a reproduction 1880s outfit, plus a few little secret projects I can't tell y'all about just yet. I'm trying to get back into it, but everything's just so hard.

As for my weight, I can't say for sure. In January I weighed in at 43.7kg, which was the last time I weighed myself at home. I know I've gone up and down a few kilos, but the dietician seems to think I'm still maintaining in the big picture.
I actually had a nightmare last week that I gained 15kg and she didn't tell me. But I trust her, and she's always said she'll tell me when patterns start forming.

I think that's about it. It's been a pretty hard year. Worse than some, but not as hard as others. Like every year, I'm glad to see this one go but dreading the next one.

I wasn't too sure how to go about writing this post, as writing concisely about how I've been doing through the year and my mental health seems impossible, and I find myself getting confused about what belongs in this post and what doesn't.

I hope you all survived the holidays intact. I'm finding it hard to be optimistic, but at least the hardest part of the season is over.

Please note: I probably got very confused between this/next/last year, and I couldn't seem to write it chronologically, which kills me, but hopefully it was still comprehensible.



  1. I love your assortments of piercing; a number I aspire to myself :)

    2015 will be better than 2014, right? Right.

  2. 9 out of 12 is a huge win :) Lets hope 2015 is kinder on us.

    PS: the idea of 2 nurses and 1 doc trying to open the piercing is ttly making me lol ^^


  3. Hey, you did pretty well last year Bella! :) Happy -or not- New Year!
    How did you recognize which piercings belonged where, by the way? You have a lot of them O_O


  4. I'm so proud of you for surviving another year. I'm so proud of you for achieving everything you've achieved after pushing yourself so much. I'm so proud of yourself for keeping writing your blog. I'm just so proud of you.

    Wishing you joy and peace and strength for 2015 - can't wait to read about your outings - you've inspired me to set myself some challenges!

    Love you bunches xxxxx

  5. Managing to keep 9/12ths of your resolution is better than most people do. Even if you struggled a bit you got back out there and tried again the next month - that's a great achievement!

    I hope 2015 is good year for you :)

  6. Getting out of the house at all is a major achievement! Celebrate that if you can because that's amazing :) We're all very proud that you've done that.

    I'd love to see your 1880's outfit finished; it's going to be breathtaking when the time is right!
    Anyone would freak after a nightmare of gaining 15kg. I always forget just how thin you are lovely <3

    I didn't end up changing the URL. It remains the same.

    Look after yourself sweetie <3 xxx

  7. Just my best wishes for you....
    I see a girl who tries..... in a life almost to hard for her, she still tries....
    And a girl so nice to other people, that she could take a fifth of all her niceness (is that even a word? ;-)) for herself and then she would still be one of the nicest people I know, but I would just grant you more of that for yourself.

    (L) from the Netherlands from A&A

  8. Hi Bella. I got to your blog from Ruby's. Happy New Year and congrats on the accomplishments. Love the skirt you made too, it's really cool. I wish I could sew but I'm pretty hopeless. I knit though, I find it really relaxing and therapeutic. Anyway just wanted to say hi.

  9. Hey Bella. From reading your blog, I can see that you are very talented, in what you make as well as other aspects. I think it's amazing, to be honest. I love the skirts pictured above, they're absolutely beautiful.
    You comment on my blog when I wrote that I was going to start tracking my intake such as when I eat and when I don't. I don't know if I explained it well or not, but the point of doing so is to have the majority of the hours during the week food-free hours. To fast as much as I can, and basically force myself to lose weight through starving. Is that what you did? And if it is, could you tell me a little more about it and what results you saw from doing it, if any? You can email me at I am genuinely curious if it would be worth my time, or it would just fuck my body up some more and not even help me lose weight. Any response would be appreciated. I hope to hear more from you with this coming year. I'm sorry that I am such a terrible commenter. I will work on that as well. Xx

  10. firstly,
    i'm glad you did all of these things. i'm very proud of you. I always am. no matter what you do, i'm proud of you. i'm proud that you scraped by this year. I hope that you're able to scrape by this one.
    you know which part I like about you the most? your hair. it's really nice. long and straight.
    the second best part? your eyes.
    and then comes your heart, big and warm. you're so lovely. and I really want to be able to tell you this today. I really hope this comment makes you smile.
    my stomach dropped when I got to the last pic. I really feel sad that you're so small. my inner mother-like tendencies just wants to put some fat on you (i had to say it. i just feel like i have to sometimes).
    before you ask me - i'm doing alright. writing this comment is going to be one of the highlights of my day along with food shopping.
    one word: truffles.

    -Sam Lupin
    PS. that nightmare...*shudders*
    also, you are so talented. and lovely. i just wanted to say that again.

  11. I am so proud of you for accomplishing all that in just one year! You're an amazing person with such a big heart. I'm wishing you all the best in the New Year
    <3 Lee

  12. Sweet Bella, how I've missed you so. First off I want to say how proud I am of you. You accomplished so much this year and I remember reading your first post of 2014 and how unsure you were of yourself, but look, you did a lot more than you gave yourself credit for.
    All of your sewing projects look awesome. I'm jealous of how talented you are.
    I'm glad you got to meet a mental health professional and I hope that she is doing more good than harm.
    I believe that you can make 2015 even better. Please email me sometime. I miss you.

  13. comment reply (don't worry, you don't have to reply to this):
    1. always take your time. if you don't feel up to it, take your time before responding back from me. i don't mind at all, dear. and i love you too much to mind :)
    2. oh my god you know how happy it made me to see a comment from you saying that it made you happy to see me post? awwwwwwwwwwwwww.
    3. yes, Red Dwarf (i love you too. so much).
    4. don't worry about being short on words either. i'm glad that my messages and comments or anything makes you feel better. i honestly love thinking that you're smiling as you read one of my comments. it makes me feel better no matter what my mood is really. i always also feel very honoured to have met you and called me my friend. i think you've helped me a lot in my recovery than i could say. i think honestly i would've found your blog way too triggering from before, but i can read now and feel genuine emotions (MY emotions) instead of anything else. before i couldn't even read about someone else being sad without it ruining my day, or see low intakes without daring to dip in myself. you have really helped me get over that because i genuinely care so much about you that you just bring out this part of me that is myself.
    also, you understand the gleefulness that comes with scales. also, i am still jealous of the scale that weighs up to the 0.00 grams. i can only imagine how good that one is when it comes to weighing spices!!!
    my current method (for salt) is to just keep adding until it turns 1g, and then stop immediately. 1g of salt is a lot anyway. who the hell got me into this habit of putting salt in my food when i am phobic of salt? also, absolutely love salt. sad.

    -Sam Lupin

  14. Hey there, Bella! I'm so glad that we are going through with a holiday exchange, even though it's a little late. It really doesn't matter if it's "late", does it? So long as we do it! I'm excited that you are continuing the monthly outings, 9 for 12 is a great start. Like Sam, the last picture is hard to see. My mouth turns into a sad, thin line. You are so much more than this eating disorder. I'm glad your weight has stayed about the same, I don't think you could handle losing more. In regard to the mental health, I strongly urge you to continue it, even if that means talking to yet another person and having to build a new relationship. I've been there with quite a few therapists, and it never gets any easier. However, I believe in you and your energy, your smile, your awesome amount of piercings (I've been debating getting my other nipple pierced!!), your sewing talent, and everything that is you! Take care, dear, I'll try to get an update out soon. Can't wait to hear from you. XO Calla