Not a Hope in Hell

I saw the mental health nurse on Wednesday. I went in a total wreck. The breakdown had started at 7:30am, and continued through until the appointment at 3:30.

I was wearing pyjamas - a nightie with a cardigan and trackies thrown on. My hair was soaked and my clothes stuck to me, drenched with sweat and tears. I looked like I'd been beaten up. I was just a mess. So embarrassed. I was freaking out sitting in the waiting room, even though it wasn't overly busy, but thankfully the girls at the desk always find an empty office for me to hide in.

One of the first things she said to me was that there's "not a hope in hell" of her staying. But hey, at least she's honest.

All she can really do is try to transition people to new therapists, unless they're ready to be discharged, but it's hard when I won't see a psych.
"I can't. That was the whole point of seeing you instead in the first place."

"What did your GP suggest?"
"Nothing, really; except writing a letter."
She laughed "Yeah, it's a bit cute, a bit naïve."

I'm still going to try writing the letter though. I don't want her to leave, and I have to be able to say I tried, and my GP's still putting it together anyway. But at the end of the day it's a business decision. She said her colleague already tried talking to The Powers That Be, and nothing.

***
By the way, have I told you guys how amazing you are recently? Thank you, thank you, thank you all for your advice on my last post! I think I understand what sorta things I should write now. I need to set aside some time to write it, but thinking about it just makes my heart sink. I'll post what I'm writing, after my head can put it all together. I'd be so lost, in every way, without you wonderful people. This community never ceases to amaze me. So much love.
***

I slipped off my shoes and curled my knees up in front of me when she asked if there was anything I wanted to talk about.
"I just don't have anything to say any more."

She told me a lot of the back-story on why she was getting transferred to a different team. Admittedly I zoned out for a lot of it, but when she was talking about the system at large, she in passing mentioned the name of a different mental health nurse I used to see, and the conversation side-tracked.
"She was my case manager when I was like 15 or 16, after my first psych inpatient admission... She left..."
It was my first experience with the public system, and she left. My MHN is the only person on my team in the public system, and look where that got me...

Anyway, it turns out she went back to university, is now a Nurse Practitioner, and works privately at this other clinic one day a week. She can even write scripts, so maybe that'd take some of the pressure off seeing an actual psych. My GP wanted to refer me to the Psychiatrist on the Side (who my team gets advice from, knows my case well, and has ruling say on my meds) this month so I could start seeing her mid-year. But that was before we knew my MHN was leaving, so now I really don't expect it to happen that soon.

Why was it so hard to find another Mental Health nurse in the first place?! They just kept suggesting psychiatrists and psychologists. She said she could've sworn she'd mentioned this other MHN's name to me before.

Unfortunately the other MHN is at a different clinic. I mean, it's not impossible for me to get there, but the thought of having to do it on a regular basis?!

The other downside is that now I feel there's a lot of pressure to succeed. That I'm expected to get along with her and be able to talk with her, even though this was 6+ years ago that I last saw her. I don't remember if I opened up to her or if she helped me or not. My memory is very fuzzy, but I don't really remember ever talking to anyone before my current team.

And it doesn't help how I'm feeling now. I still don't want my MHN to go, I still feel like I'm being dropped off a cliff face, I still can't stop breaking down and crying. I don't feel any better at all.

Honestly? I think I've cried more over this therapist-breakup than I did when I broke up with my ex (the breakup that made me start blogging). At least then I didn't feel so void of hope.

My GP said no one was going to leave...

How can I believe that any more?

The past week or so has been a mess. Tears, self-harm, losing days to 12-hour breakdowns. Trying to keep myself distracted the rest of the time, when I really don't want to do anything at all. It took me three days to even write about the appointment in my journal. I played through Terranigma in a week, straight after finishing it the previous time, because I know it inside-out and it's a nostalgic favourite. Simple, braindead, couch potato things to suck the hours away. I just don't know what to do with myself.


And I mean it, you guys are amazing and I'd be utterly lost without you all. You get me through.


xxBella