Sunday, 18 January 2015

Not a Hope in Hell

I saw the mental health nurse on Wednesday. I went in a total wreck. The breakdown had started at 7:30am, and continued through until the appointment at 3:30.

I was wearing pyjamas - a nightie with a cardigan and trackies thrown on. My hair was soaked and my clothes stuck to me, drenched with sweat and tears. I looked like I'd been beaten up. I was just a mess. So embarrassed. I was freaking out sitting in the waiting room, even though it wasn't overly busy, but thankfully the girls at the desk always find an empty office for me to hide in.

One of the first things she said to me was that there's "not a hope in hell" of her staying. But hey, at least she's honest.

All she can really do is try to transition people to new therapists, unless they're ready to be discharged, but it's hard when I won't see a psych.
"I can't. That was the whole point of seeing you instead in the first place."

"What did your GP suggest?"
"Nothing, really; except writing a letter."
She laughed "Yeah, it's a bit cute, a bit naïve."

I'm still going to try writing the letter though. I don't want her to leave, and I have to be able to say I tried, and my GP's still putting it together anyway. But at the end of the day it's a business decision. She said her colleague already tried talking to The Powers That Be, and nothing.

By the way, have I told you guys how amazing you are recently? Thank you, thank you, thank you all for your advice on my last post! I think I understand what sorta things I should write now. I need to set aside some time to write it, but thinking about it just makes my heart sink. I'll post what I'm writing, after my head can put it all together. I'd be so lost, in every way, without you wonderful people. This community never ceases to amaze me. So much love.

I slipped off my shoes and curled my knees up in front of me when she asked if there was anything I wanted to talk about.
"I just don't have anything to say any more."

She told me a lot of the back-story on why she was getting transferred to a different team. Admittedly I zoned out for a lot of it, but when she was talking about the system at large, she in passing mentioned the name of a different mental health nurse I used to see, and the conversation side-tracked.
"She was my case manager when I was like 15 or 16, after my first psych inpatient admission... She left..."
It was my first experience with the public system, and she left. My MHN is the only person on my team in the public system, and look where that got me...

Anyway, it turns out she went back to university, is now a Nurse Practitioner, and works privately at this other clinic one day a week. She can even write scripts, so maybe that'd take some of the pressure off seeing an actual psych. My GP wanted to refer me to the Psychiatrist on the Side (who my team gets advice from, knows my case well, and has ruling say on my meds) this month so I could start seeing her mid-year. But that was before we knew my MHN was leaving, so now I really don't expect it to happen that soon.

Why was it so hard to find another Mental Health nurse in the first place?! They just kept suggesting psychiatrists and psychologists. She said she could've sworn she'd mentioned this other MHN's name to me before.

Unfortunately the other MHN is at a different clinic. I mean, it's not impossible for me to get there, but the thought of having to do it on a regular basis?!

The other downside is that now I feel there's a lot of pressure to succeed. That I'm expected to get along with her and be able to talk with her, even though this was 6+ years ago that I last saw her. I don't remember if I opened up to her or if she helped me or not. My memory is very fuzzy, but I don't really remember ever talking to anyone before my current team.

And it doesn't help how I'm feeling now. I still don't want my MHN to go, I still feel like I'm being dropped off a cliff face, I still can't stop breaking down and crying. I don't feel any better at all.

Honestly? I think I've cried more over this therapist-breakup than I did when I broke up with my ex (the breakup that made me start blogging). At least then I didn't feel so void of hope.

My GP said no one was going to leave...
How can I believe that any more?

The past week or so has been a mess. Tears, self-harm, losing days to 12-hour breakdowns. Trying to keep myself distracted the rest of the time, when I really don't want to do anything at all. It took me three days to even write about the appointment in my journal. I played through Terranigma in a week, straight after finishing it the previous time, because I know it inside-out and it's a nostalgic favourite. Simple, braindead, couch potato things to suck the hours away. I just don't know what to do with myself.

And I mean it, you guys are amazing and I'd be utterly lost without you all. You get me through.



  1. I just wanted to let you know you're in my thoughts.....
    No words of wisdom, I am just sorry your world is crumbling and I know the feeling of people leaving....


  2. Being passed around from one professional to the next is so frustrating...

    You weren't very hopeful about seeing the MHN to begin with, but the reason that this has hit you so hard is because you learned to trust her and talk to her. It sucks that she has to go, but it's proven that you can actually let other people help you. I think that's progress.

    You could try seeing someone else in her place. You might be pleasantly surprised again, but if not, you're in control and can always discharge yourself from them again. This is such an unfortunate situation, but don't give up on other people. :(

    I hope you feel better soon.

  3. I can tell this is not a good post. this would probably rip my heart into shreds because I love you so. oh, do I.

    when I think of you being in a horrible state from 7:30 to 3:30...I just...I don't know what to think at all. I love you so, and i'm sad that the world is crap right now for you.

    that cute little paragraph you wrote about, I love you so. I seriously do. damn, do I love you.

    I keep on reading and finding no words. a suggestion though? maybe since you feel anxious going to another clinic and all, especially on a regularly basis. perhaps, make appointments more apart and all? at least as an option. sometimes, your head feels clearer when you know you have more than one option.

    my stomach dropped at the self-harm bit. aw, darling...

    honestly, continue to do potato couch things.


    I wish I had more words, but I am so lost for words. I can't seem to find them anyway! just know that I love you, honey bunny. <3

    -Sam Lupin

  4. I wish I could just give you a big hug. But I don't really like hugs, so an internet hug will have to suffice. I feel so sad that this is happening and I wish there was something I could do. I can't even think of anything to say. My fitness coach always tells us, "You're human, we all are. And we were made to survive." We just all have to take it day by day, picking up the pieces when things break, I guess. <3

  5. We're only doing for you what you have done for us dear Bells
    (I hope you know that Bells is not a typo
    It's a term of endearment)
    Always with ya
    Holding your virtual hand
    You are precious
    So very precious x

  6. Bella, I'm always thinking about you. You have had a hell of a time and I wish I could hug you. I'm always here for you. Please email me. I miss you.

  7. We love you, Bella! You always take time out of your day to be kind and good and uplifting, and that speaks VOLUMES about who you are. You are a loving and caring person, and that attracts love in return.

    I'm sorry things are changing... I HATE change. With every fiber of my being, I oppose it.
    But what I've found is, a month after I make a change, I can look back and go, "Oh, silly me, I can't believe I was so worried about that! Haha, it really felt like the end of the world... but here I am... breathing... existing... persisting. Maybe I'm tougher than I think?"

    You are tougher than you think. We know it, and all of our support and love is behind you... where you can't see it, but hopefully you can feel it, pressing against your back like a hug through a warm fuzzy blanket straight out of the dryer. :3

  8. I'm so sorry you are having such a horrible time.. And the "that's cute" comment made me wanna bitchslap the bitch... :s what was the point of even saying that! Ugh!

    I really hope things get a little brighter soon. *hugs*

  9. Hi Bells... Sorry to hear things are so shitty right now with your nurse leaving :( After I lost my shrink Julian because my insurance wouldn't cover him anymore and wanted me to see a different one I just could never bring myself to do so. I understand how you are feeling. It really takes so much energy and effort to let someone in, that there's just no way to see yourself doing that with someone else. I hope a solution works out for you Bells because you deserve good karma. Love and hugs!

  10. Aw Bella dear, I'm so sorry that this is happening. I'm glad you're still writing the letter - I think it may help you feel better. I hope everything figures out well in the end! I'm sure she doesn't want to leave you either. All the hugs to you!


  11. Bella, I can relate to having to move on to a new person, having to open up yet again, just as painfully. I am sending you all of my best hopes and wishes for you! Also, I'm finally mailing your letter to you today! I appreciate so much that you are able to post here about what's going on in your life, and that you do so honestly. Thank you. I want to be here however I can, and honesty is key for that. Keep blogging - we ALL want to hear from you! Perhaps look into this other clinic as well, along with writing the letter. I'm rooting for you! XOXO

  12. How I wish I could make things better. Just, you know, hang in there.

  13. Struggling to find words myself, but want you to know you're in my thoughts, as always. Sending you love, hope and hugs xxxxxxx

  14. comment reply to the comment that you've left on my post:

    I did feel a bit of a smugness when I was writing that quote I have to say. curse my need for a slightly poetic nature (though it happens naturally at the moment).

    I love how they look like. they're sort of in the chocolate aisle, but sometimes, they're not. i'm unsure on what to class them as rather than "biscuit chocolate-y sandwich" comes to mind. the biscuit is definitely predominant. I would've put it in the biscuit aisle for the sake of completion. it sticks out in the chocolate aisle too much.

    truthfully, I broke it with my hand. they actually break straight off at the line with a very little mess. it's glorious. and the pieces can be stacked up against each other without looking like one is bigger than the other. perfect.

    "I must try microwaving biscuits. Any hints? Chocolate coated, yes or no? Any fillings to be wary of? Low or high power?"

    coating - maybe. depending on the coating. i would say no to something like a chocolate digestive that melts at your hand the minute you touch it. the problem with certain coatings is they melt, and they make it incredibly difficult to enjoy it BUT melty biscuits & chocolates are great for dressing up porridges. I currently pretty much always eat my chocolate truffles on a bed of porridge. because one becomes so RICH it's perfect.

    i thought once of freezing a yoghurt and melting a truffle on top. somehow that sounds like it could be a very good idea or a very bad idea. curses though we don't have any yoghurt at the moment... i might try it today or so and give you some kind of a feedback on it.

    with filings, it is so dependable on the company (sometimes, they run and sometimes, the biscuit remains in one piece and the insides are nicely warm). the easiest thing to do is microwave very plain type biscuits or biscuits that don't have a risk of having a runny filling. chocolate chip cookies and anything similar are perfect for this as well.

    not sure on power. i think it's because i still don't know how to operate a microwave. i just click on a button that says 30 seconds. they don't take lots of time to heat up usually, and depending on the biscuit type, 15-20 seconds suffice but still not sure of power... hmm.

    okay. i just looked up that company. i knew the name was familiar. if it's an Asian company, there's a huge chance we have it. they sell this stuff in the cheapest stores imaginable. THAT is definitely the kind of cheap-fake sort-of-like-it-sort-of-don't coffee flavor i'm talking about. somehow, the more i eat from it, the more they go from "yeah, i can't taste coffee" to "i haven't noticed the fake-coffee flavor so much" to "EXPLOSION COFFEE FLAVOUR." it's so strange. every biscuit has its own mood for some reason.

    I KNOW RIGHT?! i was shocked. another slice that looks absolutely similar to it is 94 gr.! how the hell? my current theory is linked to the porousness and fluffiness of the cake itself and the thinness of the layers of chocolate-y sauce trapped between the layers. it looks heavy and decadent, and it is decadent-y but it's actually very fluff and porous (hence low weight).

    it isn't! i think the part of the pick n' mix eating experience is getting it. and for me, feeling a bit high and mighty and even a little childish as you walk back to the car with goodies in your hand. sometimes, the experience of buying the thing and the associated feelings is better than eating the thing itself honestly. for me, pick n' mix falls into the category, as well as shopping for fancy chocolates (i will at the end of the day 90% of the time pick a Mars bar over a Lindt anything) and let's not talk about that month where i would've traded a kidney for some M&M's, hmm?

    -Sam Lupin
    PS. i love you and i hope that you are doing better now. also, your comment made me very happy. that is all.

  15. That MH nurse has always been rather .... blunt, hasn't she?