Lonely

My friends, I'm lonely. It hit me the other day. I've been single for three months now, and while I have no regrets about kicking his ass out, I'm a little lonely. I never leave the house, except for the doctor/dietician and the supermarket, really. I've seen two friends in the past three months. One's not talking to me anymore since she got a new girlfriend. Sigh. I've talked to maybe four or five friends. I'm too anxious to do anything most of the time. But I'd like to maybe catch up with a friend for drinks at their house, or something quiet like that. I'm going to see a friend (the second one I've seen) tonight and pick up some lemons to make him lemon cakes. Yeah. I don't know either. But he's been talking about lemon cakes for months. He has all these lemons, and he loves lemon cakes, and he knows I love baking, so yeah. And he's kinda supplying my bud at the moment, too, so yeah. A favor for a favor.

So that's my social life. A guy friend I used to drink and dance and *cough* with asked me to a party the other week. But on top of the anxiety that comes with groups of unknown people, I'm too fucking tired after dinner time to do anything, let alone all that jazz. But who knows, next time I get an invite to drink (maybe not a party), I might go have some fun. I miss old me. Pre-ED-and-boyfriend me. But I can't go back to drinking and partying and eating junk and booty-calling my friends. So yeah. Boo. I'm just lonely. I just need a friend, some drinks, and a fun night.

Also, when it comes to things like booty-calls, it scares the shit out of me. Most people haven't seen me not just since my normal weight, but 10kg higher. I'm 30kg lighter now than I am last time the guy who invited me out saw me (and I wasn't overweight then). I don't know how people are gonna react to me being so much smaller. On the other hand, I feel 'too fat' to be seen by anyone, let alone naked. That's ED logic for you, I guess.

I just want a cuddle :<

xxBella

Doctors, again.

My GP yesterday was utterly horrid. It's the last time I'm seeing her. I walked in and she just said 'So, what've you got to tell me?' Brilliant. She blathered about anxiety for a bit, then turned to my blood test results. Surprisingly, most of my levels are okay. My blood sugars came back well, Vitamic C and B-12 and Calcium and all that are good. My iron levels were a little low, actually. My dietician expressed concern a few weeks back because iron stores easily, and it's dangerous to self-supplement (I take Iron 100% RDI, plus bits in other supps). I also have a family history of hemochromatosis, which gets back to storing iron. Oops. I kept taking them, though, and it's all good. The range is really wide for iron, though, say 8-250, and I was like 12, so just barely normal. My bicarb levels were in big red letters but my GP didn't seem to mind. She forgot I was there to get my Implanon changed, and she even said to me "I'm not even going to do your blood pressure". Sure, I have a BP machine at home, but isn't that kinda important?! Ugh. I walked out, never to see her again. Also, she realized (while my mum & I were there) that my ED psych is actually a doctor. No fucking way, really?! She only wrote all my scripts and was my only physician for over 6 months... 'Wait, they have doctors for eating disorders now?!' She seriously doesn't think my 'eating issues' are a problem. Wut? BMI 13-14, and no problem. Bitch. Anyway, I asked my dietician about who would be a good doctor to see, and she said no one at my clinic *sad face* I've been there my whole life, with the same GP until last year. It's literally a block down the road from my house. Boo. So she's gonna look into GPs who aren't idiots about EDs and get back to me.

The dietician appointment was a tad stressful this week, mostly due to concern being expressed by my mum (and backed by my dietician) that I might just 'stop' at any moment. I hate it when appointments turn to the subject of my mortality. It makes me feel icky. But, yeah, there's a little concern for my medical stability. I think I'm doing okay. I certainly don't think I'm about to just 'stop' and suddenly die. Ya never know, though. Only time will tell. But, for now, at least I'm doing 'better' than I was a few months ago.

I'm still itching to lose weight. I want to do some metabolism 'repair', but I'm running out of time. November (and December, obviously) is the social season for me, and I feel pressure to lose weight before I go out with my friends (not to mention most gatherings are food-focal). Last year, I swore I would be 55kg by the start of November, for the first social event of the season. I ended up at the end of the month more like 43kg and in hospital. Yes, it's lose-12kg-in-a-month kinda pressure. Sucks. But I don't know if I'm even gonna bother getting out and being social this year. Still, I'd kinda like to lose 5kg if I do. Hmmph.

xxBella

Impending doom

This week has been sucking a bit. I'm mega anxious about my weight, so I've been eating <800. I dunno. I just feel so crappy lately that I haven't been eating snacks - just my three small mains plus fruit in the afternoon. I just feel really anxious & depressed. I'm not used to my weight staying the same for this long. So I overate yesterday to make up for it. I'm so tired of eating. I'm insanely hungry all the time at the moment, no matter what I eat. And I don't have enough calories on 800-1,000 to eat a proper breakfast, dinner or snacks. I have an okay lunch, but still very low calorie. Doesn't stop me getting hungry an hour later. Where's the incentive to keep eating like this when I'm extremely hungry, opposed to never feeling hunger when I restrict? Anyway, last week the dietician said that if I maintain this week, she'll be pushing for a small up in intake. I don't know if she sees small as 50 or 200, but I'll find out Tuesday I guess. I didn't even eat that much yesterday, so I'm still looking at 1,000 today & tomorrow :-/ I just want more or nothing, to be honest. Have any of y'all who've gone through refeeding (though, note, I'm not gaining) experienced this extreme hunger? It's really different to binge-type hunger. I dunno. I just wanna eat 10x what I am. But I'm just not going to gain weight. Not happening. So yeah. Boo.

I'm seeing my GP tomorrow. Yay. I can't stand her, really. But I need my Implanon (contraceptive arm implant) changed, and at the moment I care more about protecting my ED than having a doctor who cares and wants to help me. So, tomorrow morning I'll be getting a local anasthetic and a scalpel to take out my current one and put a new one in. Fun. Not. Anyway, its a double appointment so we can 'catch up'. I swear to god, if she asks about my interests outside the house and fucks up my BP reading again, I'm gonna smack her. She doesn't understand that planning, obsessing, preparing and eating 3 meals and 3 snacks (more like 2 & 1 at the moment) a day is completely involving, exhausting, and time consuming. She doesn't understand that I have anxiety attacks and want my day to be over, before I've even opened my eyes when I wake up. Fuck her 'outside interests'. Seriously. She doesn't understand EDs at all. Mum wants me to try a different doctor at the clinic, and I probably will next time, but at the moment I just don't care enough.

Anyway, I hope you're all doing well. I'm mostly just feeling fat & depressed again lately, so mostly spending my time on the couch. Oh well. I had one good week.

xxBella

The dietician, weight loss, future direction

I really haven't been posting enough about my actual appointment with the dietician - just what happens with my weight. So, here it is. She's really nice, and she understands my anxiety issues (more than I expected her to). Our appointments are generally fairly quick and routine. She weighs me as soon as possible (today before I even sat down!) and we make small talk about what I'm wearing or my height or my piercings. Then when we get to her office she looks at my weight and tells me what happened. I tell her my average intake for the week (1,000), she congratulates me immensely, sometimes we talk about other things (like I told her about sandwiches today!), and we talk about my intake for the next week. She is actually quite fantastic. She's the best medical professional I've ever had, to be honest (though, as you guys know, that's not hard!)

She pointed out today that my weight hasn't really changed that much, and in fact has gone down a little. And this is since Mid-June. For nearly two months, I've held weekly averages about 800 (1,000 at the moment!), I haven't had more than a few hypoglycemic episodes, and I haven't gained any weight. This is pretty farkin' amazing. She doesn't push weight gain, or skyrocketing my intake up, but only as long as it's not an intake that's hurting me, ya know? Fair enough. As long as I stay stable, all good.

That said, I probably will 'diet' again before the year is out. I'm thinking 5-7kg, to bring me out around my low weight. I'll probably do this around October/November, since that's my social-season, but I'm not 100% sure when. I'd like to be around 40-42kg for the end of the year (I'm around 46-47kg now). So yeah. But for now, my body needs a bit of a break. It was giving up hard and fast. My dietician commented me today on how much healthier and happier I look (and then clarified that it wasn't a weight comment, obviously, since I'd gone down). A little while longer of this, and I might work a few fruit & soup days into my week, try to keep my metabolism & blood sugars good by eating what I am now on other days... Slow and steady wins the race (and avoids being whisked off to the Emergency department). Besides, I don't need to loose much more than that. My BMI is still in the 13s. I'm 95% happy with my weight loss so far.

Anywho, just some thoughts. I hope you're all doing well <3

xxBella

Pay off

Day - Intake- Burn
Tue: 1,386, 259 burnt
Wed: 894, 1,500 burnt
Thu: 871, 1,700 burnt
Fri: 898, 1,131 burnt
Sat: 1,000, 1,480 burnt
Sun: 967, 236 burnt
Mon: 972, 1,010 burnt

Total intake: 6,988 calories
Total burn: 7,316 calories
Weekly Net: -330 calories

So, I did it. My weight went down by more than I gained last week, so fuck yes. I actually lost weight eating 1,000 calories a day. Holy shitballs!

I'm gonna be taking it a little easier in the next week, but it was still a great challenge. For now, I'm off for a well earned cheat day!

xxBella

Burn, baby, burn!

Hey guys! I've been having a fantabulous week. Very productive and very active. Today's Sunday, so I plan on spending it curled up in my armchair on the back porch for the most part. I've earned it! I've been attempting a bit of an insane challenge this week. I like to have a negative 'net' intake, but it's harder to achieve every day with my intake going up and my energy crashing down. This week, I wanted to really push myself and see if I could match my burn and intake over a whole week. The goal is 7,000 (1,000/day). FYI, my 'week' starts on Tuesday when I get weighed by my dietician.

Day - Intake- Burn
Tue: 1,386, 259 burnt (This is my 'cheat' day, as it's the furthest away from when I get weighed again. I average to 1,000 over the course of the week)
Wed: 894, 1,500 burnt
Thu: 871, 1,700 burnt
Fri: 898, 1,131 burnt
Sat: 1,000, 1,480 burnt

Total burn: 6,070 calories

I honestly didn't think I could do it, hence I didn't announce it. I just don't run that much anymore (usually 3-4 hrs a week), but I'm so close, I can taste it. I'm not running today, but I will be tomorrow (Monday) before my weigh-in on Tuesday. I will easily have burnt 7,000 calories over the week by the time Monday night gets here.

I've been loving running this week, hence I've run more than I did in the three weeks prior. I love the endurance (I only run once a day now, and have for a month or two, but it's a lot longer), and I love to do it every morning to get my day off to a flying start, so it has really been quite effortless. I just really love running, and I never want to quit.

The muscle I've built in my calves in the last 6 months since I've been maintaining my weight (unintentionally at first - boo) really helps me to run better, harder, and longer. Yes, my legs don't look quite as stick-like as they used to, but they are completely firm (between bone/tendon/muscle), and the only noticeably big muscles are my calves - my thighs are smaller than they were and a lot firmer, though they have a small 'soft spot' right up the top from loose skin. But my calf muscles help power me through 90 minute runs, give me more strength to stand and walk, and can kick pretty damn hard too. I still wish they were sticks again, but I guess there is a silver lining. No matter what I try (I even didn't eat any protein for 3-4 months) they are not going to disappear. As long as I'm a runner, I will have the calves of a runner (though they aren't huge/bulky/bulging - there's pics a few weeks back posted I think).

I hope you're all doing well. I'll post either Monday when I complete my challenge, or probably just on Tuesday after my weigh-in.

xxBella

Feelin' good

I've had a good week so far. Since Tuesday, anyway. I ran 90 minutes today and yesterday, had an intake around 900 cals of really good, healthy food, got out of the house a few times (nothing special though, just Safeway)... It's been good.

I've been eating lots of fruit lately - apples, watermelon, strawberries & oranges are my key offenders. I need to go to another shop to see if I can find cantaloupe, and I really want Thompson grapes but they're out of season. My snacks have mostly been things like Wholemeal English muffins with low-sugar jam, muesli bars, sometimes oats, yoghurt, fat-free puddings... Fairly good stuff. Getting lots of fiber & potassium, getting over 100% of my Vit A, Vit C & Calcium (though I really lack in iron).

I've beaten one of my fear foods - sandwiches. Eating two slices of bread at once is hard. But I'm doing it! At the moment, it's generally my Four Seed bread, WW canola spread, a FF cheese slice, grated carrot & lettuce. They come in a smidge under 200 cal, so that's lovely. I've still been eating baked potatoes with Caesar dressing/parmesan/bacon 6/7 nights a week for a month and a half now. Maybe a slight issue? Anyway, I'm trying a sweet potato (alongside my regular spud, but half the size) tonight. I've never had them before. I'm gonna try it with S&P, maybe a little cayenne or tomato sauce. Any suggestions (the Internet seems to favor marshmallows :x)?

Oh, also, J picked up the last of his shit today (after two and a half months!). I am so glad to have it all gone. I am doing so much better without him. I am managing my ED, I have gained strength, happiness, and a desire to live. No regrets about slamming the door in his face (except I would've made sure it hit him!)

Anyway, I'm rambling. But I feel really good about myself today, and I did yesterday, too. I hope you're all well.

xxBella