Sunday, 12 August 2012

Impending doom

This week has been sucking a bit. I'm mega anxious about my weight, so I've been eating <800. I dunno. I just feel so crappy lately that I haven't been eating snacks - just my three small mains plus fruit in the afternoon. I just feel really anxious & depressed. I'm not used to my weight staying the same for this long. So I overate yesterday to make up for it. I'm so tired of eating. I'm insanely hungry all the time at the moment, no matter what I eat. And I don't have enough calories on 800-1,000 to eat a proper breakfast, dinner or snacks. I have an okay lunch, but still very low calorie. Doesn't stop me getting hungry an hour later. Where's the incentive to keep eating like this when I'm extremely hungry, opposed to never feeling hunger when I restrict? Anyway, last week the dietician said that if I maintain this week, she'll be pushing for a small up in intake. I don't know if she sees small as 50 or 200, but I'll find out Tuesday I guess. I didn't even eat that much yesterday, so I'm still looking at 1,000 today & tomorrow :-/ I just want more or nothing, to be honest. Have any of y'all who've gone through refeeding (though, note, I'm not gaining) experienced this extreme hunger? It's really different to binge-type hunger. I dunno. I just wanna eat 10x what I am. But I'm just not going to gain weight. Not happening. So yeah. Boo.

I'm seeing my GP tomorrow. Yay. I can't stand her, really. But I need my Implanon (contraceptive arm implant) changed, and at the moment I care more about protecting my ED than having a doctor who cares and wants to help me. So, tomorrow morning I'll be getting a local anasthetic and a scalpel to take out my current one and put a new one in. Fun. Not. Anyway, its a double appointment so we can 'catch up'. I swear to god, if she asks about my interests outside the house and fucks up my BP reading again, I'm gonna smack her. She doesn't understand that planning, obsessing, preparing and eating 3 meals and 3 snacks (more like 2 & 1 at the moment) a day is completely involving, exhausting, and time consuming. She doesn't understand that I have anxiety attacks and want my day to be over, before I've even opened my eyes when I wake up. Fuck her 'outside interests'. Seriously. She doesn't understand EDs at all. Mum wants me to try a different doctor at the clinic, and I probably will next time, but at the moment I just don't care enough.

Anyway, I hope you're all doing well. I'm mostly just feeling fat & depressed again lately, so mostly spending my time on the couch. Oh well. I had one good week.



  1. I know it's hard Bella, I go through periods of having intense hunger too. I'm sure it's my body crying out for nutrients.
    I wish I could do something to help but you will have to settle for a hug through cyber space.

    Hang in there sweetie x

  2. You should try and find a better GP, one who understands eating disorders and knows what they're talking about.
    I worry about you not receiving the right medical care.
    I really hope you're okay and you're feeling more positive soon.
    Take care darling.

  3. Being hungry means your metabolism is boosting :)