Yesterday was very long, very stressful. I'm still having a hard time not smoking during the day, since it normally 'takes the edge off' without giving me any real relaxation (hence why I'm now waiting until nights). 'The edge' is a bad one to have back. Monday sucked, and I ate about 650 calories instead of my 1,000. Yesterday was worse - in the 500s. I flipped when I couldn't stack the salad in my sandwich without it falling apart. Then, a few hours later, I was making a lemon cake as a favor for a friend. The icing messed up and wasn't opaque enough. I didn't throw it in the bin. I threw it on the floor, picked it up and threw it again, thrashed my poor body around the kitchen, getting a good running start to headbutt walls, and collapsed crying on the floor. I really hurt my hand yesterday too. My knuckles and wrist swell at the slightest tap, and it wasn't a 'slight tap' yesterday. Pulled out a few chunks of hair, too. I'm a real wreck when I fall apart like I did yesterday. Mum wanted to call an ambulance, but she knows what I'll have to face in hospital - namely the dickhead psychiatrist - and she is very hesitant of doing so. She knows that if an ambulance was called, I would just run. It's a hard spot for all involved, but my last admissions really did so much harm.
I went to bed early-ish, and woke up at midnight after 3 hours sleep. It's now 7am. I'll probably nap after breakfast, or maybe wait until after lunch, but I'm not that tired. I'm so stressed about eating my full 1,000 calories it isn't even funny. All I really want is fruit & yoghurt to be honest, but when a whole 1kg tub of yoghurt is only 393 calories, that's not really practical. But I'm going to try harder today. I just feel so much pressure to lose more weight at the moment. Just to get back to my LW. I guess I'll just keep biding my time for now.
Thank you so much to Persephone Paix & The Lovely Bones. Your comments last night really helped <3 I don't know where I'd be if I hadn't started this blog and met the people I have.