Saturday, 25 August 2012

My Eating Disorder protects me

I hadn't really thought of this before, but it came out when I was talking (crying, more so) to my mum earlier. I was already in a world of shit before my ED. But when my ED is so involving, how often does my C-PTSD ruin my day? Very rarely, and usually only on significant dates (I suffer from Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). Other things that were catalysts to my depression & severe anxiety have been swept aside by ED thoughts, too. Yes, they do still effect me often, but the real issues don't. I don't have to write my statement and go to court, because I'm sick. I can't go to therapy to deal with what he did to me, or what I've done to me, because I'm sick. I don't have to face the real, deep down issues that ruined my life long before my ED, be because my mind feels 100% ED thoughts 24/7. (Ask my mum the last time I talked to her about something non-ED related. My chit-chat is numberscaloriesweightrunningnumbersfatfoodeatingnumbers.) I don't have to think about why I've done any of the messed up things I've done in the past 7-8 years, or why I can't remember anything before that, or any of the ways people have hurt me or I've hurt myself. Because its more important to be obsessed with these ED things. No one cares why I ended up this way, they just care about dealing with the ED and sending you on your way. I've been constantly seeing psychiatrists and in-and-out of hospital since I was 12 (I'm 19 now), and depressed & suicidal long before that (though I have little memory before I was 12). But none of those issues matter now.

I don't know if I'm even saying this right. I just feel like my eating disorder protects me from having to deal with the real issues, in so many ways. Does any one understand what I'm trying to say?



  1. yes yes yes yes yes!! I don't know what happened to you, but it sounds similar to me when i was living at home. my ed distracted me. whenever i started talking in therapy about it in the past when i was allowed, instantly id swap to weight, something in my control, not what happened to me and frightened me out of my control before. TOTALLY understand that. And its like i wrote in a post before, that i would only go to my ed 3rd assessment (have 2 others years before) if they wouldnt talk about trauma because it is too difficult, i can only deal with the ed stuff, if that makes sense. and when she commented asking whether my dad still worked around children i just diverted back to my ED without noticing until it was pointed out to me.

    love you, keep going lovely xx
    p.s ive started replying to comments like other people on blogger now, so if you leave me a comment i will reply underneath it, like i just did for the glucose post i wrote xxx

    1. Thanks sweetie. I'm so glad other people understand where in coming from. Love you xx

  2. I completely understand what you mean. I saw I quote somewhere: “Eating disorders, on any level, are a crutch. They are also an addiction and illness, but there is no question at all that they are quite simply a way of avoiding the banal, daily, itchy pain of life. Eating disorders provide a little drama, they feed into the desire for constant excitement, everything becomes life-or-death… And they are distracting. You don’t have to think about any of the nasty minutiae of the real world, you don’t get caught up in that awful boring thing called regular life… Because you are having a real drama, not a sitcom but a GRAND EPIC, all by yourself, and why would you bother with those foolish mortals when you could spend hours and hours with the mirror, when you are having the most interesting sado-machistic affair with your own image?” I know it's not quite what you meant, but it has the same general idea to it.
    Eating disorders are the perfect distraction from the harder, more difficult thoughts that you try to hard to repress.

    I hope you're okay and that you find a way to deal with the issues you're trying to ignore. I really hope you find some professionals who actually know what they're doing and who can treat you and make you better. I hate how much suffering you've gone through. It's not fair.
    Love you, and I really hope you're okay. Take care.

    1. ^ The quote is from Marya Hornbacher's "Wasted."

      She writes quite a lot about the psychology EDs in relation to her own life in her memoire, with quite a bit of research in support the theory that EDs are primarily a coping mechanism for whatever issues a person is already suffering from. If you haven't read it yet, I highly recommend.

    2. I highly recommend Wasted, too. I used to chain-read the same ED books over and over before I got online for support, and Wasted is one of my favourites. I often paraphrase or whip out my copy to quote Marya when I'm talking to my mum. "Oh, it's like in Wasted, where..."

      Thanks for your comment Lovely. Xx

  3. Yes!! I totally understand
    My eating disorder is like a big fuck off shield protecting me from the world.
    I suffer with anxiety and depression too and my eating disorder keeps me, to quote Pink Floyd 'comfortably numb'

    I am almost 30, yet I still feel that age that I developed my drug addiction and eating disorder, 18
    I am terrified to grow up, too scared to makes friends,
    frightened of responsibility so I choose not to grow and crave the body of a little girl.

    Bella my dear, you have been through so much in your young life, too much, more than anyone should have to go through. Do you believe you can get well? I believe you can and you could help so many others in the same boat as you. But you have to want it or want to want it.

    When I read your posts I don't see a girl with anorexia, I see past it to the beautiful, talented, strong, amazing person you are.

    Hang in there,
    There is hope,
    There is life after this cruel illness
    I have been every weight from 77lbs to 130 lbs and was miserable at ll of them.
    Now I am somewhere in between and starting to get well (I think, I hope)

    Love you x

    1. Oh God, the growing up issue hit me too. I want to be Peter Pan, and have the body of a child. A lot of issues hit me when I turned 18, and I basically thought I'd lost value by becoming an adult, and it made my ED go crazy.

      I don't know if I'll ever get better. To be honest, I feel like my body's going to give up soon. I don't know why, I just have this feeling that something's about to just 'stop'. Probably just negative thinking, but you never know.

      Much love my dear xx

  4. Darlin, I totally agree with you. ED’s definatly protect you from having to think about other things that are darker. Totally a distraction from whats really going on. Infact thats the perfect word for them...A DISTRACTION! Its so much easier to worry about food and weight than worry about the true evils in your life…the past is the worst. The Memories….

    I say this because I also have PTSD….and a host of other anxiety disorders. When my eating stabalises, my anxiety tends to worsen as I am more focused on my ‘real problems’…so I totally understand what you are saying about not concentrating on those other reasons you hinted to. An ED is defiantly a crutch to lean on when you are avoiding other things...<3

  5. Sorry to hear about your story. I think you should still consider going for therapy. You might not see the effects early on, but as you progress with it, you might find it more comforting than just keeping the problem within yourself. Sometimes, telling and sharing your experience with someone else can make things lighter, and maybe, help you recover from the problems you are facing.