I ended up losing a little weight this week. Well, it 'went way down', but my dietitian didn't seen to want to tell me how much. More than the half kilo I gained last week. So I'm lower than I started, boo yah! There's a little pressure coming on to 'raise my BMI', but I'm not ready. If pressure comes on too much, I'm gonna bolt like a horse. I'm still eating 1,000 calories a day. I'm thinking I might do a meal plan post in the next week so you guys can see some of the stuff I'm eating (still 99% clean & healthy). She came up with a few GP reccomendations, so hopefully I'll find someone new soon. I don't want to gain. I'm quitting while I'm ahead - why would I want to get fat now? I feel invincible, achieving the impossible by eating more normal amounts while keeping my unnatural body. I feel like I have the best of both worlds.
In other news, today is my fourth day of waiting until nighttime before I 'smoke'. I'm over the hardest part, and I got a little 'buzz' last night after smoking half what I normally do. With any luck, my tolerance will keep lowering from here. Yesterday, I didn't cry, scream, hurt myself, break anything, etc.! Definitely over the hard part. Now I just need to keep it to after dinner only, which I've never managed to do for more than a few days in the two years I've been smoking bud. As I said to my mum last week, "As long as I'm not eating 50 calories a day and smoking a half bag a day, I'm doing okay."
Thank you to all you lovely ladies who commented on my last post. Love you all so, so much <3
xxBella
Hello lovely,
ReplyDeleteI completely understand where you are coming from, and if you aren't ready then there is no point trying to up the intake if it risks you turning back to 50kcals a day again, but 1000kcals is only 100kcals more than the top end of a starvation diet, so I don't think other people would consider it near normal, but that isn't meant to be a criticism, because i eat 1000kcals too, it just means that you are still very unwell, but I understand more well than before, but still unwell, do you know what i mean?
you're such a sweet girl, i just want you to be happy, and if you are at the moment, then keep going with it, if you can gain more in the future, fabulous, but if you cannot, then keep where you are now for the moment.
you know if you were in the UK you would be sectionned? BMIs under 15 are inpatient and 13-4 are sectionning weights - I only mean to tell you that because you are still very unwell. we care about you a lot. i don't want you to take anything i have written in the wrong way, i understand you and i do the same things you do, but i would urge you to stay seeing the dietician and not fleeing away, so do whatever you need to do to stay in some sort of help?
love you xxxx
Thank you lovely. I'm trying to stick with it, but if she pushes weight gain too hard I know I'm gonna bolt. She seems to be okay with me maintaining unless any health risks pop up, so I should probably get more bloods done soon.
DeleteI'm actually from Australia, though I've been sectioned (here its 'Involuntary Treatment Orders') at a BMI of 12.8, then again last year at a similar weight I am now (BMI 13-14). Anything under 15 is inpatient, or ITOs, depending on how willing you are, but it can happen at any BMI if you're a risk to yourself. Either way, I'm avoiding inpatient & ITOs as much as I can, but as soon as I see one of the EDS psychs, I'll be forced into weight gain at home, if not hospital, if not ITOs. Hence why I'm avoiding them and sticking with my dietician for the moment - otherwise it'll all just backfire.
Thank you for your comment sweetie xx
I'm so proud of you. I know I say this on every post you write, but every time I read one of your posts it makes me so happy to hear how successful you are and how much progress you've made at starting to gain control of your life again.
ReplyDeleteHow are you feeling since you've raised your intake? Do you feel healthier despite the weight loss? Is your blood sugar staying in safe levels?
I really hope you continue in the direction you're going, I'm so happy for you.
Thanks Lovely. I feel a lot worse for the most part, really, and I'm sleeping a ridiculous amount, but my blood sugars are normally in a safe range. A few things on my blood test had red flags, and most tests didn't get done properly, but my shithead GP didn't mind. Either way, I think I'm at less immediate risk than I was three months ago.
ReplyDeletexxBella
That's sad. Do you feel worse mentally or physically?
DeleteYou really need to get a better GP, one who understands eating disorders, it's not fair that you're stuck with an ignorant idiot.
Physically mostly. I'm so tired all the time - I had more 'energy' when I ate 50 calories, not 1,000! My mum & I asked my dietician about GPs, and she came up with a couple around town who are taking new patients and are 'good'/experienced with eating disorders. Sadly no doctors at my clinic are good with EDs, apparently, which sucks because I've been going there my whole life and it's literally a block down the street from my house. When my dietician called around, someone did recommend one GP at my clinic, but she doesn't know personally if she's good with EDs. I'm gonna try her first, because I need to get my birth control implant replaced anyway, and just get a feel for if she's a moron or not. I definitely won't be going back to the one I've been seeing!
DeleteXx
How far away are the more specialised GPs? If the one at your surgery isn't working then it would really be worth you seeing someone properly, someone who knows what they're doing. I get so frustrated reading your posts because the health care you're receiving just isn't good enough.
DeleteYou deserve the best!!
Love you. xx
Oh, they're not far, maybe a 5 minute drive if that. I'm gonna check out the GP at my clinic first just because it'd make it a lot easier/less stressful if she's good. My dietician hasn't worked with her personally with ED patients, because apparently very few ED clients come in through GPs - she normally gets referrals from psychs - so she hasn't really had experience with how the clinic GPs deal with EDs. There's just as much chance as her being a good GP as there is with the ones from other clinics, 'cause there wasn't a specific 'this person is the best with EDs', everyone had their own idea of who would be good. I'm certainly not gonna put up with shit from any more doctors, and my mums gonna help me make sure I don't get stuck with a shithead. Apparently nearly all GPs are ignorant about EDs, and it's really damn hard to find someone good, because even the 'experienced' GPs say horrible things (from what my dietician told me, anyway). Guess I've just gotta stick with it, and I'll find someone appropriate eventually :) xx
DeleteThat's good that you've got the option of going somewhere else if your GP can't help you.
DeleteGPs should know more about eating disorders, I'm scary how many people I hear about on these blogs have been denied help with their disorders because GPs don't understand them, and can't identify them.
I hope you find someone who works for you soon.