I've been thinking lately about deception, and how looks can be deceiving. I've realized in the last few months, that getting all dressed up in a nice conservative outfit, putting on some makeup and flashing a smile, really hides what's going on. Whether its doctors, people on the street, or friends, I'm just getting positive feedback about my appearance, even though my BMI is still 13-14, and my measurements are as tiny as ever. I'm the same weight, but with better nutrition. My dietician clarified that it wasn't a weight comment when she said I was looking like I was doing much better, just that my skin/face/posture/whatever is better. My friend last night was lucky to avoid being slapped after he said I was looking 'healthy', but he doesn't know any better. I feel that if I pull on my mask & costume, I can make people believe that I'm doing well, when to be honest I'm holding onto my ED as much as ever, and I'm still slowly dying. But no one can see past my make up and clothes and smile, to see all that. I broke down to my mum the other day, and she said that she thought I was doing a lot better than I actually am, and linked it back to the fact I 'look' like I'm doing better (again, clarification that this wasn't a weight comment).
What do you guys think? Do you think that people can really be deceived so easily? I know that I spend all day in my dressing gown, freezing and feeling sick all the time, and barely have the energy to move, and that every day I wonder if it'll be the day I just 'stop'. But no one else knows that.
xxBella
I think they can be deceived because they want to be deceived, because they aren't trying to look past the facade, either because they care for you and hate to face you so desperatly unwell, to protect themselves, or for another reason. people see what they want to see.
ReplyDeletewhen i was living at home, my boss drove up to my mum, told her point blank I had had a fit at work, that i wasnt eating, that i was purging when i did. she said back, "i know my daughter, she is fine". and that was that.
im so sad for you little star, my bmi is nowhere near as little as yours it, but i understand in a different way. i spend 80% of my life suicidal, but because i show up for the few shifts i have, plaster on a fake and rotting smile, everyone who hasn't seen the vulnerable me thinks there is nothing wrong, im the happiest little girl in the world.
also tho, people could just be trying to be encouraging, to make you feel better (even if it has the adverse effect in reality). my counsellor said to me once, that even if i got better she wouldnt stop seeing me, because that wouldnt mean i was fixed. are you afraid people wont help you?
love you little one, read your blogs all the time, hold on in there if you can xx
I believe people see what they want to see. If they want to see you getting better, then that's what they're going to see. They're probably all secretly wishing and thats why they see you getting better.
ReplyDeletePeople can be so easily deceived. If you don't want to believe that someone's ill then you will happily ignore all the signs and refuse to look through someone mask at the pain underneath.
ReplyDeleteEven I do it. I know there's at least two of my close friends I should be seriously concerned about, but we've developed a system of if I leave them to it, then they'll leave me alone too. I feel horrible whenever I think about it, but I could never force them to get help if they don't want it.
Your friends probably just want to believe that you're getting better because they hated seeing you so ill and they'll do anything to believe you're healing now.
I hope everything's okay. Stay strong darling.