Wednesday, 22 August 2012

I made my mum cry today. For the second time in a week. Because I keep hurting myself and crying and screaming about how much I want to die, and what a horrible/wasteful/manipulative/disgusting/fat/malicious/hurtful/destructive person I am, that I should just die, that I need it all to be over.

Feels bad, man :'( I need to run away and lock myself in seclusion and stop hurting everyone around me with everything I do. My mum never cries. But she's cried twice in the past week because I can't shut my fucking mouth and go to my room and hurt myself quietly.

I'm so fucking selfish


  1. no no no no no - you mum is crying because she LOVES you and wants you to be better, dying would just make that pain worse, she wants to see you work through this terrible pain you feel and come out the other side, whenever that is, she will stand by you and wait for that day. you need more support, more help, it is like i said you would be in hospital over here, you are desperatly unwell but we love you and your mother loves you and nobody wants to see you vanish or die or fade away, you are a little star that is struggling and the best thing you can let your mummy do is hold you, tell you it will be okay even if it doesnt feel like it will be, and let her try to help you through this torture xxxxxx

  2. and you are not selfish, not in any way, you are unwell, and that is very different to selfish x

    1. Thank you PP, that really means a lot to me. That's what my mum says too, and a year ago I would've believed you, and her... But the psych on my last hospital admissions really fucked with everything in that regard. He made me believe that my everyone close to me (anyone with an ED, actually), especially my mum, will get tired of me and my ED and leave me (she disputed this, but he insisted - everyone). I solidly believe that one day my mum will look at me and say "How could you do this? You've ruined everything. I want you out of my life.". I honestly don't know how she puts up with my shit all day, every day, and can still say she'll never leave me.

      I know that I should be in hospital, and my mum knows it too. I can't get any psychiatric help until I get to a BMI of 16, which is 8-9kg to gain. And I don't think I can do that without any psychiatric help. Even inpatient, there's no real psychiatric help - its purely about weight gain until BMI 16. If I did, I'd want to stop seeing doctors again, lose it, and wind up worse than I am now. I don't know if I'll ever want to gain weight. I'm not dysmorphic - I know I'm very small - but I don't want to get any bigger. I guess in trying to 'quit while I'm ahead' and 'get the best of both worlds'. I know if I kept going restricting, I'd be in hospital within a week, and that would lead to the dickhead psych, forced weight gain, inpatient... But if I tap out and call it 'maintenance' and eat a little more, I want to keep my low weight, eat more, and try to avoid any immediate, emergency-room type health risks. A nurse from the medical ward I was in was 49 years old and had been 'recovered' for 30+ years (I wrote a post on her a while back, but she was nothing but recovered), and celebrities/models seem to get by okay, so why not me?

      Sorry, I totally rambled there (I tend to do that). At the moment I just want to keep my 'nothing's wrong' face, and one day I guess I'll just disappear. People seem to be buying that I'm okay because I'm eating 1000 calories a day and putting on some nice clothes and makeup. Yep... Nothing's wrong. My mum was even buying it, until I broke down last week, and made her cry.

      Okay, I think I'm gonna have an early night, and hope I wake up in a better mood. Thanks for being here for me xx

    2. I hadn't thought about it like that - how you are too unstable for psychiatric help because of your low BMI, but how without it you are stuck struggling - I guess that is why inpatient has some advantages IF IT WASNT JUST ABOUT WEIGHTGAIN, which I understand it is- your dietician wont think you are magically better, and your mum probably just wants to believe you are because she loves you, she might know the truth, especially if you have broken down a few times too. No one is going to abandon you, not now, not if your BMI gets to 16, 18, whatever, because that is when the REALY work can start, the true healing. Right now you are doing what you need to do to survive - not heal - and THAT is why you aren't able to recover now. But don't give up, please, your time will come, just baby steps, little star, dont give up on the dietician, you seem to be trusting her a little more now, and dont push away your mum if you struggle. they love you, we love you, and we are here for you.

      and you are free to ramble all you like with me, i like reading :-) x

  3. You are not selfish! Not at all in any way. You're going through such a hard time right now, and if you were keeping it to yourself and suffering in silence then I would be terrified for your health.
    Maybe you should sit down with your mum and talk to her about everything, about how you're feeling, about how bad you're feeling, and about anything and everything.

    I hope you work things out, I really wish I could take all your pain away and make you happy.
    Take care and good luck.