Thursday, 23 August 2012

I'm really struggling at the moment. Today was torture. I feel depressed for the first time in a long time. I can manage breakfast okay, but after that things just get worse. I've been picking the cantaloupe out of my fruit salad, leaving the watermelon & strawberries. It's fucking 24 calories, but I feel like I need to cut back on everything. I only ate half of my sandwich at lunch, and skipped my yoghurt completely. Lunch was harder today, though, because mum normally has rolls, but today she had a sandwich because we were out of rolls. I don't care if her sandwich has 2-3x the calories as mine, I just can't bring myself to eat more than someone else. Not even eating more, I just want to be the one who obviously eats the least. A sandwich is a sandwich, and we're eating the same sized meal. Skipped afternoon tea and just had a cuppa, and went with my safe rice & veggie dinner, and topped it off with a low cal dessert of frozen strawberry yoghurt. About 550 cal today. I haven't had one day under 600 since I started seeing my dietician 10 weeks ago. I've had two in a row. I really need to get my shit together tomorrow. I'm scared. I want to want to eat, but I'm just so fucking scared.

I slept horribly last night. I slept from about 9pm until midnight, woke up to go to the toilet, ended up making a coffee and not getting back to sleep. I normally sleep 10+ hours. My days are too long as it is, and today's been six hours longer. I was up eight hours before breakfast, which my body just isn't used to. Gonna be up at least 20 hours by the time I get to sleep, even though I'm normally never awake for more than 14.

I've also been really hurting my fingers lately. It's kind of an anxiety/stress thing as well as self harm. I have no skin left around eight of my fingernails. They're peeled deep, and they're always bleeding and sore. It hurts so fucking much all the time. I keep tweezers and band-aids next to my chair because I just keep doing it. I don't know how to stop.

Sorry I've been a Gloomy Gus the last couple of days. Tomorrow will be better. That's what we always say, isn't it?



  1. Hang in there Bella,
    You know I am here if ever you need me x

  2. Oh sweetheart, I really feel for you. Maybe you are putting yourself under so much pressure that it is having the reverse effect and making it so hard for you to contemplate food. When are you seeing the dietician next? maybe you should explain how much you are struggling? is there anyway that if you went back into hosital you could go into a different one with a nicer psychiatrist? Because maybe you do really need all the extra support lovely, it seems like you are really struggling and i wouldnt want this little world to lose you, maybe this is just too hard and you are too unwell to go it alone with outpatient. this whole thing must be terrifying, which isnt going to ease the food intake either, is it. have you treid lowkcal frozen yogurt, slightly more kcals than yogurt, but not fatty, very refreshing if you are feeling light headed, and might help increase your intake by 100kcals without much added strain?

    love you xxxxxx

    1. I see her first thing every Tuesday, so I only saw her two days ago. I was okay Tuesday, but yesterday & today I've been depressed. But I'm not sure if it's caused by the low intake, or if it's the reason for it. I know I'll do better tomorrow, and I'm (attempting to) not going to run until I've had a good intake for a day first. I love running endurance, and if I can't do at least an hour, it's just not the same. And I can't do that on 500 calories at the moment.

      If I need to go to hospital, I need to either see him or have my own psych. But I really don't want to do any of that. It'll just lead to disaster. The whole reason I'm eating more is... Well, so I can run endurance and not need to go to hospital. (Writing this has actually been a good reminder why I should eat :)) I just really don't want to gain weight again before I'm ready, and with no help. I just need to work on keeping my intake going up, not down, and keeping my weight stable. I just really don't want to gain. And going to hospital or seeing a psych/ED specialist means forced weight gain and/or inpatient. And that's even worse.

      I'm gonna get my intake back closer to 1,000 tomorrow, 'cause I really don't want a noticeable loss when I see my dietician.


    2. I believe you can do it. and if you slip up or it is too hard tomorrow or the day after, be easy on yourself. I understand about inpatient pressures and wanting to avoid them, i have the same thing.going on atm for different reasons so i get u want to keep independance and not b pressured into somethin ur nt ready for. just keep going, uve got it in u, bella starshine okay? Xxx

  3. Stay strong, you'll get through this rough patch I know you will. You're so strong and amazing, you can fight through this and get back on track.
    Take care darling, and remember how far you've come whenever you feel like giving in.
    You can do it.

  4. I do that thing to my nails and to the skin around them too. Been doing it for years. It's really awkward when I start bleeding at random moments and getting blood everywhere. It's something that I'm really ashamed of because it's an exterior, obvious, visible flaw and failure, and I don't like putting my weaknesses on display. Didn't know that other people did it too.
    Take care sweetheart, I'm making it through your blog slowly but surely! :)