I'm really struggling at the moment. Today was torture. I feel depressed for the first time in a long time. I can manage breakfast okay, but after that things just get worse. I've been picking the cantaloupe out of my fruit salad, leaving the watermelon & strawberries. It's fucking 24 calories, but I feel like I need to cut back on everything. I only ate half of my sandwich at lunch, and skipped my yoghurt completely. Lunch was harder today, though, because mum normally has rolls, but today she had a sandwich because we were out of rolls. I don't care if her sandwich has 2-3x the calories as mine, I just can't bring myself to eat more than someone else. Not even eating more, I just want to be the one who obviously eats the least. A sandwich is a sandwich, and we're eating the same sized meal. Skipped afternoon tea and just had a cuppa, and went with my safe rice & veggie dinner, and topped it off with a low cal dessert of frozen strawberry yoghurt. About 550 cal today. I haven't had one day under 600 since I started seeing my dietician 10 weeks ago. I've had two in a row. I really need to get my shit together tomorrow. I'm scared. I want to want to eat, but I'm just so fucking scared.
I slept horribly last night. I slept from about 9pm until midnight, woke up to go to the toilet, ended up making a coffee and not getting back to sleep. I normally sleep 10+ hours. My days are too long as it is, and today's been six hours longer. I was up eight hours before breakfast, which my body just isn't used to. Gonna be up at least 20 hours by the time I get to sleep, even though I'm normally never awake for more than 14.
I've also been really hurting my fingers lately. It's kind of an anxiety/stress thing as well as self harm. I have no skin left around eight of my fingernails. They're peeled deep, and they're always bleeding and sore. It hurts so fucking much all the time. I keep tweezers and band-aids next to my chair because I just keep doing it. I don't know how to stop.
Sorry I've been a Gloomy Gus the last couple of days. Tomorrow will be better. That's what we always say, isn't it?