Sunday, 19 August 2012


I truly hate myself. I don't just hate the way I look, or what I do with my life, or any of that. I hate me. I have since I could remember. Whenever I've felt suicidal, it's never 'I want to commit suicide', it's 'I want to kill me'. My self injury is okay at the moment, though I've hit my head a couple of times in the past week. Four months ago, I stabbed myself in the side of the head with a pair of scissors. Two months ago, my chest with a pen. Those lovely incisions & bruises on my thigh? A fork. I don't just hurt myself like I used to - I hurt myself because I deserve it. It's fucking horrible, to hate someone with all the fire in your heart, but that person is you. I hate everything about me, the person I am. I want to make myself suffer in the worst ways possible. Because I deserve it. I don't think anyone could hate me more than I do.

I started a tolerance break from smoking yesterday. Getting it back to nights-only, anyway. I'm having a pretty rough time during the day, and not much bonus at night, but maybe tonight I'll get a little something more.

Thank you all for your lovely words in comments <3 I know I should reply, but everything is so overwhelming at the moment, I just can't bring myself to do much.
Love you all <3



  1. Sweet, sweet Bella,

    I can understand hating yourself,
    Part of my drug addiction and disordered eating has been an attempt to run away from myself to get out of my own head, literally.
    My thoughts can be so intrusive sometimes,
    I swear, I would never speak to anyone the way I speak to myself. The negativity is on a loop.

    I wish you could see yourself through my eyes, then you would see that you have absolutely no reason to hate yourself. You are so beautiful, super smart and one tough cookie.

    I often think of myself as a really bad person and that everything I touch turns to shit.
    But we are not bad people, we are just a little bit lost and we will find our way someday.
    I often think if we put as much energy in to getting well as we did in to our eating disorders then we would be well on our way to health and happiness.

    Please hold on Bella, I know what it feels like to want to die, I have passive death wish, willing death to happen to me but not actively seeking it.

    Hold on, find something, anything and hold on to that.
    I wish I could do something to help,
    I wish I could reach through the computer screen and wrap you in a hug that lasts forever.

    Love you Bella, hang in there, as the ad says
    'you're worth it' x

    1. Thank you Ruby. Your comment means so much to me - they always do <3

      I've just been feeling awful this past week or two, more so than usual. Like, if I saw me walking down the street, I'd think 'I' deserved a good punch in the head too (if that makes sense... probably not). To be honest a lot of it is from cutting back smoking bud... I just want something that makes me feel not like me, and weed is the lesser of many evils. Starving would put me in hospital within the week. Synthetic weed could potentially give me a heart attack at any second, and nearly gave me a stroke last year. I get horribly angry, depressed and violent towards myself when I drink, and pharmaceuticals are just signing my death certificate. Weed can drop my blood pressure a bit, but I keep a close eye on it and it hasn't in months. So it's really the safest thing that makes me 'not feel like me' (which I think is similar to your 'running away' from yourself). I just can't stand myself, and I don't know if I can change that. I don't remember a time when my life was okay, because I forgot most of my long-term memories after I overdosed just before I turned 13. After that, everything's just gotten worse, and I have very few memories of a time when life was 'okay', so what do I have to go back to?

      Sorry I rambled a bit at you there sweetie. You are so wonderful and kind, thank you again, you brightened my night.


    2. I can relate,
      I am always looking for ways to 'not feel like me'
      I'm sure if we grew to accept ourselves we wouldn't feel this way.
      I am almost 10 years older than you but in my head I still feel 18 and I look very young too so I don't even feel like me if that makes sense, I feel like a younger version of me, it's like I haven't moved on, that I don't want to grow up

      For me, feeling good about myself comes when I am truly passionate about and that would be writing and dancing. Is there anything in your life that you are passionate about, apart from your eating disorder. I remember reading that you thought you might like to study nutrition.
      Bella, don't let this illness get the better of you. It's such a cruel illness. We don't even get to enjoy the one thing we crave the most, being thin because we never think we are thin enough.
      I have no doubt anorexia wants you and me dead.
      Don't give her the satisfaction.
      Don't become a statistic.

      Stay well,
      Stay positive,
      Stay your beautiful self,

      Love ya x

  2. I know what I'll say won't change much, but anyway it's always nice to know some people actually care.

    Don't hate yourself. I know it can be hard to try doing otherwise. You have to learn to love yourself again. You're a wonderful person, and you shouldn't think otherwise.
    Try and pick up the things you like in life, and the things you're good at. For example if you like music and play an instrument, then try and put your heart in it to realise you're actually good at it.
    It goes the same with sport, painting or whatever you're good at.
    If you can realise that you're actually good at something then you'll slowly find again self respect, and maybe self love.

    Don't hurt yourself. Go and run two hours instead.

    You've got all my love !

  3. Darling. I know what I say can't change how you feel. But please don't hate yourself. You're one of the kindest, strongest people I know. I'm so proud of everything you've worked for in the past few months, you're amazing. There is absolutely nothing negative about you that can be hated.
    I agree with Queenie, you need to find something that you love and concentrate all your efforts into it, you need something to distract yourself from the eating disorder, which I know is far easier said than done.
    But please, I love you and I care about you so much. You're wonderful, amazing and kind. You have no reason to hate yourself.