I truly hate myself. I don't just hate the way I look, or what I do with my life, or any of that. I hate me. I have since I could remember. Whenever I've felt suicidal, it's never 'I want to commit suicide', it's 'I want to kill me'. My self injury is okay at the moment, though I've hit my head a couple of times in the past week. Four months ago, I stabbed myself in the side of the head with a pair of scissors. Two months ago, my chest with a pen. Those lovely incisions & bruises on my thigh? A fork. I don't just hurt myself like I used to - I hurt myself because I deserve it. It's fucking horrible, to hate someone with all the fire in your heart, but that person is you. I hate everything about me, the person I am. I want to make myself suffer in the worst ways possible. Because I deserve it. I don't think anyone could hate me more than I do.
I started a tolerance break from smoking yesterday. Getting it back to nights-only, anyway. I'm having a pretty rough time during the day, and not much bonus at night, but maybe tonight I'll get a little something more.
Thank you all for your lovely words in comments <3 I know I should reply, but everything is so overwhelming at the moment, I just can't bring myself to do much.
Love you all <3