Sunday, 26 August 2012


I've been in a daze this week. I know my intake hasn't been 'restricting' amounts, but it's much lower than it should be. I've been having three small meals, skipping snacks most days. The thought of cooking and eating is just giving me this horrid anxiety, so it's easier to smoke my way through the day between meals. I need to cut it back to nights again in the next couple of days, but it's okay for now. I get this brilliant feeling of hunger, sickness, and dropping blood sugars, mixed with the head-spinning-feet-feeling buzz of smoking up. The best feeling? In the afternoon, after I smoke a bit and get sleepy and hungry, I dizzily walk to the couch and collapse, short of breath, and close my eyes. I get this ringing in my ears and my heart throbs and my body tingles, and suddenly I feel okay. I don't feel like me. I need to be careful, though. I don't want to smoke and restrict to the point that I literally can't stand or walk, and end up in hospital for the millionth time. 2012 is my year without hospital (since my first inpatient psych ward admission when I was 14, I've been admitted to hospital at least once every year). Things will turn around on Tuesday. I just... needed a low week. I'm not sure how much weight I'll drop, or if she'll tell me, but it's irrelevant. I just wanted to get a taste of the daze I get from restricting & smoking more than I should. I kinda miss the days of 50 calories a day and an ounce or two of bud a week, but that was really a fast track to hospital. I don't want to go to hospital anymore. Ever again.

Sorry for posting so much lately guys, I'm sure you're all tired of me spamming up your dash. Anyway, I'm gonna have an early night and maybe watch a little of The Lion, The Witch & The Wardrobe.


  1. Even if it's not perfect yet, I think you've made a great improvment.
    Being able to eat over 500 cal/day when you were at 50 at the begining is incredible. I'm really proud of you.
    I'm sure you'll be able to have a hospital free year ! Or should I say 'many hospital free years ahead '! You're really doing great.

    About the smoking, have you tried the anti-smoking patches ? or the 'fake cigarettes' ?

    Keep on doing so well! And keep posting ! I love hearing from you :)

  2. You're doing so well darling. Give yourself credit for how far you've come since last year. One small slip up won't ruin al the progress you've made.
    You can get back on track.
    Love you.