Guess who's back on crutches?

Yep. I've sprained my arch again. This time, in my left foot.

I should explain, as I was never crystal clear on how-why-what happened last time. Sometimes, when I feel the urge to hurt myself, I try not to. So (and this has happened twice), I decided jumping up and down on the spot would be a good alternative to try. Not a bad idea, until the third or fourth jump, when my foot gives out and I topple over in agony. Basically, when I landed, my arch was forced flat. Yes, that is as painful as it sounds.

I was certain it was a sprained arch, though my family wanted me to get it checked out just in case. So, yesterday I saw my GP. She came to get me, saw the crutches, and just said "Oh dear... Looks like you've got another story to tell me."

She checked over my foot, and I told her it felt exactly the same as the last sprain. My arch is bruised, and touches the floor when I rest my foot flat. I can't put weight on it, nor wiggle my toes, and it aches like mad. She strapped it and gave me anti-inflammatories, plus a script for stronger painkillers. She didn't do an x-ray, because it's such a similar injury to last time, though it reminded me that I still need to book my bone density scan. 

She also mentioned that she wants to start keeping a closer eye on my blood pressure since there's growing concern over my weight, so she'll be popping in to my dietician appointments on Tuesday mornings to check it. The dietician mentioned it this week, and asked if my GP could come in to check it, but I said I felt fine and we left it for next week.

She did say it was a good idea to try jumping up and down as a self-harm alternative, but evidently it's not an alternative, just a different method. She suggested I try a rubber band around my wrist instead (how cliché). We don't really talk about self-harm unless I have an injury like this that needs tending to; she doesn't know about methods or frequency or anything. The thing that irritates me the most is that I was really trying not to hurt myself, but did anyway.

It's ridiculous, these injuries I'm ending up with, and it's no one's fault but my own. And so I'm back on crutches, which is incredibly frustrating, not to mention exhausting and painful. The bruise from my last sprained arch only faded a few weeks ago. My first thought was that I'm obviously heavy enough to cause such an injury. Why does everything come back to weight?

So, my plans of sewing and leaving the house have been slightly skewed. There's not a chance I'm going out on crutches. With any luck, I'll be off them within a week. I can sew with my good foot, but everything just became 10x more exhausting, and I still have the motivation of a sloth. Everything feels foggy, blurred, like I can't think clearly enough to do anything. 

Thank you all for your comments on my hair. I forgot to mention: even though it's so long, it only needed one pack of dye because it's thinned out so much. I used to need two once it got past my shoulders. There's always a silver lining, I guess. 

xxBella

Stuck in a Rut

My self-image's been in the gutter lately, mostly because A) I feel like a fat lard, and B) I've been covered in unsightly self-injuries. Both are starting to really knock down my confidence. So on Friday I dyed my hair, in the hopes it'll make me feel a little better about myself (so far, it hasn't).

It's been almost a week since I last posted. I just don't have much positive to say at the moment. The days have been spent crying and waiting for time to pass. Mum asks me if I want to talk, but there's so little to say anymore. If I say anything, it's depression's word vomit (I just want to die, I'm worthless, all I do is hurt people, etc.), which isn't helpful at all. She holds my hand and offers words of encouragement, and I just cry.

As always, Tuesday is dietician day. It's becoming a lot of effort to drag myself out to appointments. My intake's been between 1,153-1,181 calories, much the same as last week, and my weight stayed exactly the same. 

The dietician mentioned "1,400", and I panicked. Not happening. I'm not comfortable adding that much more Ensure, and I don't want to actually eat more than I already am. I don't see any room to build on what I'm eating. I'm eating 'appropriate' meals at all the right times, and that's more than enough. Besides, if I'm already maintaining, there's no reason to eat more. She wants me to work towards slowly gaining, I don't. She's giving me a few more weeks on 1,200, but she wants me to aim for 1,200-1,250, instead of 1,150-1,200.

When I think about it, I don't think I could stop seeing the dietician if I wanted to. Over the last 15 months she's become such a big part of my life, my routine. I'd be lost without her appointments.

I didn't sew at all this week, except for a half hour on Saturday. So my goals for this week are to finish sewing this skirt, and maybe try to get out of the house again. I'm thinking of either going to a quiet cafe in the middle of nowhere for a cuppa with my mum, or somewhere out in nature; whichever seems least daunting at the time. Maybe. We'll see. 

xxBella

Venturing out

Dietician yesterday. In the waiting room there was a new poster that caught my eye immediately. "Start the conversation on eating disorders", some sort of an information night at the hospital. "Finger food provided", I had to chuckle.

It was another appointment where I didn't talk much. She tries to give me prompts and asks lots of questions, and mum fills in the blanks if she can. I just can't seem to hold a conversation. I either choke on my words or vomit them up.

On Friday I ventured out into the world briefly, which the dietician was excited to hear. She asked how it went, and I said "not well". Mum and I drove two hours down the coast, to a cheese factory that we've been to a few times before. They make the best cheddar. So we browsed the gift shop and picked up a few kilos of their vintage cheddar; five and a half kilograms to be precise. It's crazy, I know, but it lasts forever and it's cheap in bulk. The best thing about it is that you only need the tiniest shaving, it's such a strong flavor.

Anyway, we were in the gift shop and I ended up having a panic attack, grabbing the keys from mum and running out to the car in tears. When mum came out, I'd been scratching at myself and started rambling about how I wasn't going out again, that it was too much and I couldn't do it. So it didn't go great, but it's something.

Back to the dietician. She asked if my mood had improved any, how I was doing with sewing, cooking, smoking, motivation in general. I just shrugged and mumbled; mum shook her head. I didn't sew or cook much this week. I just didn't want to, didn't have the energy to. One night I made a beef malabar curry with Thai rice, another night I made a long-grain chicken risotto. Both were because the days had been totally awful, and it was my way of apologizing to mum for being such a negative little shit. 

Calorie-wise, I was actually 'good' this week. Ensure every day. Each day came out between 1,120-1,160, which I'm calling 1,200. And what did the scales say? My first week meeting 1,200, and my weight stayed the same, thank god. If I keep having lower days, I'm just going to suppress my metabolism, and keep gaining-losing-gaining-losing.

Last night I skipped the Ensure, and opted for a few glasses of Shiraz instead. A temporary band-aid for feeling dead inside. Calories are calories. Who needs complete, balanced nutrition anyway?

xxBella

Meal Plan

I wake up in the morning, and I stay on the couch for an hour before actually getting up, dreading the day ahead. After I get up, it's all about waiting for the day to pass, trying to make it speed by as quickly as possible. I curl up in my armchair on the porch, pull my knees up and my blankets over me. I just want to sleep all the time, but I never do. 

I have so little to say, I do so little, it's not even funny. I prepare food, I spend a lot of time on Blogger, sometimes I sew. I cry, ramble and hurt myself, breaking down over the smallest things. Mum takes me out for a drive each day, not that I ever get out of the car. We'll spend an hour driving around the outer suburbs, in a desperate attempt to make my time pass quicker. It's all quite pathetic, honestly. 

Enough moaning and groaning. I'm trying not to let depression's word-vomit run rampant. So I've got something a little different today, for a change of pace. I talk sometimes about changes to my meal plan, or breaks in routine, but I haven't actually posted my meal plan here for quite a while. So, here it is, what I suppose you'd call an 'average day' of food.

Breakfast (88-99 cal)

20-25g (one slice) wholemeal bread with 6g Vegemite and 80g nonfat strawberry yoghurt

Lunch (148-184 cal)

A sandwich, with an average 45g of wholemeal bread (105). I alternate between two fillings. 

Either: 6g Vegemite and 20g 97% fat free cheddar (148)

Or: 2g canola spread, 40g mashed egg, 23g carrot and 24g iceberg lettuce (184)

Snack (78-105 cal)

Either a 95-100g pot of custard (100-105)

Or 150-200g (two small) golden delicious apples (78-104)

Dinner (125-300 cal)

Either: 200-250g soup (lamb, lentils, barley, peas, carrot, potato & onion) with 10-20g wholemeal bread (125-174)

Or: 200-250g stew (beef, carrot, potato, tomato, onion, flour) with 10-20g wholemeal bread (141-194)

If I cook a 'family dinner', my serve comes out around 300 calories.

Supper (183-215 cal)

22-25g mini bag of Outback Animal Cookies (88-100) and an 80-90g Skinny Cow Sundae (95-115)

Total = 622 - 903 calories

I also drink 4-6 cups of black coffee (12-18 cal) and 6-8 cans/2-3L of Coke Zero (7-9 cal) throughout the day (I'm a caffeine junkie, shoot me).

Ensure makes up the extra 300-600 calories. I'm apprehensive to go any higher than 1,200 until my meals change, but I don't want to change my meals that much either. At the moment I'm working towards eating family dinners most nights, and saving soup for a 'sometimes' dinner.

As I've said before, stir-fries are my 'safe' family dinner, though sometimes I cook things like bolognese, curries, risotto. And I don't think I've mentioned this, but currently I won't use two pieces of cutlery, like a knife and fork (it's too confusing), which limits my options. Once I get past that barrier, which will hopefully be soon, I'll be enjoying fish and salads and baked potatoes.

That's about all from me for now. I hope you're all enjoying the weekend, whatever it may hold. 

xxBella

Stir-fry madness and stubborn sadness

First off, thank you all for your wonderful comments on my skirt. I wore it to see the dietician this morning, as I told her I would last week, and she was pretty impressed. Sadly it was only 10*c and raining this morning, but I guess that's why I have fleece tights. 

The dietician was lovely, as always. It was only a quick appointment; I didn't feel much like talking, but it's a comfort to see her each week anyway. 

My weight dropped, much to my relief, especially after last week's gain. As for my intake, I had three days at 1,200 calories (well, between 1,140-1,180), two closer to 1,000, one 800 and one 500 day. Self-hatred's been boiling up inside of me, increasing proportionately with my intake, wondering if it's worth it at all. The lower days are cruel, giving me a taste of what I can't have. She asked what happened on the lower days, and what can be done to prevent them, and I didn't really have an answer. I just couldn't do it, wouldn't do it, whatever. 

I only cooked dinner twice this past week, both stir-fries. They're definitely my new 'safe' family dinner, and luckily my mum loves them. Over the weekend I tried out my new nonstick wok (and by 'new', I mean I bought it years ago but hadn't taken it out of the box yet), as our old one was definitely past it's prime. Now I don't need even a tiny spritz of oil, and my stir-fries are just chicken breast, lots of veggies and low-sodium sauces; with rice on the side, of course. I did make one with eye fillet steak, though I still struggle with the texture of red meat so I prefer chicken.  

This past week's flown by, and not in a good way. Where has the year gone? Days have been completely lost to tears. I've been crying about everything and nothing. I finally stopped being completely unproductive yesterday and started sewing another skirt, but I think sewing's gonna be stop-start for a while.

xxBella  

If the skirt fits

I finished sewing my skirt late on Wednesday. I only got around to taking photos this morning, but that happens. 

So here it is, my third sewing project. Even though I didn't work on it everyday, it only took me about a week to complete. Overall I'm pretty happy with the result. 

I haven't found any other patterns I like in my size yet, and I really adore the waistband on this, so I'm going to stick with this pattern for now and buy some more fabric. I have a couple of different variations in mind, so hopefully it'll keep me distracted for a while. 

Just a short post for today, not much to say. I went to the dentist yesterday for the first time in four, maybe five years. That's very unusual for me, I used to be the 6-monthly-checkup type. But it wasn't too bad; I only needed one filling with no anesthetic, which was apparently caused by my "fashion accessories" (that's what he calls my piercings), and a smoker's stain cleaned off. The rest of the week has just been the same old monotony, but I thought I'd share these pictures anyway. 

The last two photos are just of the lining and details, but I'm putting them up anyway incase anyone's interested. I'm pretty proud of the zipper; normally I struggle with them. 

xxBella

Summer, Skirts and 1,200

I saw the dietician earlier. She was away last week, which always makes me anxious to get on the scales. I quickly filled her in about the GP appointments, and then it was down to business and numbers.

My intake's been slightly better these past two weeks, still making progress albeit slow. I'm not having as many days under 1,000 as I was a month ago. Most days I'm actually drinking the Ensure instead of just leaving my intake short. On a 'good' day, I land between 950-1,050 calories. She asked if I've been doing any baking, which I haven't. Changes in routine are still very daunting, but I've cooked three stir-fries, a batch of bolognese and a long-grain risotto (all weighed and measured, with little or no oil), so I'm making progress in the dinner department. 

Since I've been aiming for the same calorie range for so long, she decided it's time to start trying for 1,200. It's a big milestone in my mind, and it's scary as hell, but I know that it's necessary. I can't say I'm comfortable with it, but will I ever be? I don't think I'll be making any great sudden changes to my meal plan, but we'll see how it plays out.

We went to the scales, and my weight's gone up a little bit over the past two weeks. The dietician said she was really relieved, that she was worried it'd drop more when I really can't afford for it to. I wasn't quite as happy. I have to keep reminding myself: it's just a fluctuation, and it's small. It won't automatically change the downward trend into an upward trend. 

In unrelated news, the weather's warming up down here, and it's lovely. I can spend some parts of the day without blankets and layers. I can sit outside and not be drenched by rain or blown away by howling winds. I'm craving fruit and vege like mad, and the air smells of summer. It's all very refreshing. But once it starts edging closer to 30*c, then I'm in trouble. Heatstroke becomes a very real risk, and leaves me trapped inside more than I'm comfortable with. For now though, I'll just try to enjoy the short-lived middle ground.

My skirt is nearly finished, just in time for the warmer weather. Spoiler alert: it's a size 4 AU, and it fits! Like a dream. I tried it on as soon as I put the zipper in, and it was the bright spot in my week. I'm in love. I haven't worn anything that fits this well in years. This is why I started sewing again. It's my first size 4, and there'll be more to come. Pictures will be up in a few days after it's finished.

xxBella