Wednesday, 18 September 2013

Venturing out

Dietician yesterday. In the waiting room there was a new poster that caught my eye immediately. "Start the conversation on eating disorders", some sort of an information night at the hospital. "Finger food provided", I had to chuckle.

It was another appointment where I didn't talk much. She tries to give me prompts and asks lots of questions, and mum fills in the blanks if she can. I just can't seem to hold a conversation. I either choke on my words or vomit them up.

On Friday I ventured out into the world briefly, which the dietician was excited to hear. She asked how it went, and I said "not well". Mum and I drove two hours down the coast, to a cheese factory that we've been to a few times before. They make the best cheddar. So we browsed the gift shop and picked up a few kilos of their vintage cheddarfive and a half kilograms to be precise. It's crazy, I know, but it lasts forever and it's cheap in bulk. The best thing about it is that you only need the tiniest shaving, it's such a strong flavor.

Anyway, we were in the gift shop and I ended up having a panic attack, grabbing the keys from mum and running out to the car in tears. When mum came out, I'd been scratching at myself and started rambling about how I wasn't going out again, that it was too much and I couldn't do it. So it didn't go great, but it's something.

Back to the dietician. She asked if my mood had improved any, how I was doing with sewing, cooking, smoking, motivation in general. I just shrugged and mumbled; mum shook her head. I didn't sew or cook much this week. I just didn't want to, didn't have the energy to. One night I made a beef malabar curry with Thai rice, another night I made a long-grain chicken risotto. Both were because the days had been totally awful, and it was my way of apologizing to mum for being such a negative little shit. 

Calorie-wise, I was actually 'good' this week. Ensure every day. Each day came out between 1,120-1,160, which I'm calling 1,200. And what did the scales say? My first week meeting 1,200, and my weight stayed the same, thank god. If I keep having lower days, I'm just going to suppress my metabolism, and keep gaining-losing-gaining-losing.

Last night I skipped the Ensure, and opted for a few glasses of Shiraz instead. A temporary band-aid for feeling dead inside. Calories are calories. Who needs complete, balanced nutrition anyway?



  1. I'm sorry to hear our outing with your mum didn't go well. My anxiety is getting worse when I go out as well. I wish I could give you a big hug my love. Sending positive vibes your way.

  2. It's really great to hear that you got out Bel! I know it didn't end well but maybe if you feel a panic attack coming on you could start reminding yourself that you're safe and other things that are supposed to help? I think it would help your mood if you didn't always have to be inside your house. Plus, you're an amazing person and I just feel like other people should get to experience this. :) The cheese sounds great and I love wine. Both good choices. I also love you so don't forget. I'm thinking of you sweets! huuuuuuugs

  3. I'm proud of you for going out. I know that it was a big step (huge) and I think that it's alright that it didn't end on the highest note; the point is that you did it, right? That's where it starts. Could you maybe ease back into going grocery shopping with your mom?
    Stay strong,
    Lena xx

  4. Yay! :) Good on you for venturing out :) I'm sorry that it didn't end so well, but you should be so pleased with yourself for trying. Baby steps right? :)

    Sending love your way. Hope the rest of your week is good Bella xx

  5. Haha! That poster would amuse me too :D

    Well done for venturing out. I'm sorry to hear it was tough and didn't end that well, but yey, you did it! As someone said above, that's the first step, right?

    It's hard to explain anxiety to someone that has never experienced it. I've been in your position, unable to leave my house for weeks (going to the shop across the road for baccy was a struggle) and I had fun explaining to my dad exactly why getting a train to visit them was something that filled me with absolute panic and terror. Even now I've got over a lot of my anxiety it's still there, and impossible to articulate... 2 hours is a long time!

    Also may be guilty of doing the wine thing myself... Good on you for sticking to the kcal targets anyway!


  6. It does sound like you're slowly getting better... which is a good thing. Slow is not bad at all. It's wonderful to hear that you can maintain on "normal" calorie intake. I guess it brings hope to all the people who are convinced it's impossible.

  7. Wonderful news to hear you're getting close to hitting your intake goals! But definitely a bummer to hear how you're feeling. Do you ever consider how the caffeine might be affecting your moods? I too am a caffeine junky, and I take in way more than I should most days, and especially mixed with only a small amount of food to absorb can definitely cause more crankiness, anxiety, even that "loss for words" feeling (I get it sometimes too). Just a thought, I know it's not easy to cut out caffeine, but I try to regulate how much I take in so I don't overdo it.

    Even if your day trip didn't end well, you tried and pushed yourself. Keep up the great work, keep pushing those boundaries and don't let your disorder keep you trapped anymore! Hope you start getting out more Bella. You deserve to see and do such wonderful things :)

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