Tuesday, 24 September 2013

Stuck in a Rut

My self-image's been in the gutter lately, mostly because A) I feel like a fat lard, and B) I've been covered in unsightly self-injuries. Both are starting to really knock down my confidence. So on Friday I dyed my hair, in the hopes it'll make me feel a little better about myself (so far, it hasn't).

It's been almost a week since I last posted. I just don't have much positive to say at the moment. The days have been spent crying and waiting for time to pass. Mum asks me if I want to talk, but there's so little to say anymore. If I say anything, it's depression's word vomit (I just want to die, I'm worthless, all I do is hurt people, etc.), which isn't helpful at all. She holds my hand and offers words of encouragement, and I just cry.

As always, Tuesday is dietician day. It's becoming a lot of effort to drag myself out to appointments. My intake's been between 1,153-1,181 calories, much the same as last week, and my weight stayed exactly the same. 

The dietician mentioned "1,400", and I panicked. Not happening. I'm not comfortable adding that much more Ensure, and I don't want to actually eat more than I already am. I don't see any room to build on what I'm eating. I'm eating 'appropriate' meals at all the right times, and that's more than enough. Besides, if I'm already maintaining, there's no reason to eat more. She wants me to work towards slowly gaining, I don't. She's giving me a few more weeks on 1,200, but she wants me to aim for 1,200-1,250, instead of 1,150-1,200.

When I think about it, I don't think I could stop seeing the dietician if I wanted to. Over the last 15 months she's become such a big part of my life, my routine. I'd be lost without her appointments.

I didn't sew at all this week, except for a half hour on Saturday. So my goals for this week are to finish sewing this skirt, and maybe try to get out of the house again. I'm thinking of either going to a quiet cafe in the middle of nowhere for a cuppa with my mum, or somewhere out in nature; whichever seems least daunting at the time. Maybe. We'll see. 



  1. I think an outing with your mom is a lovely idea, especially something outdoorsy, if it isn't too hot or cold right now. Somewhere that you wouldn't have to deal with strangers or any of that, just spend some quality time and get out of the house for a bit. But, seriously, start with something small, like just a bit of time or something that really doesn't seem too daunting, and then try to work your way up next week. Any small step is still one in the right direction :)
    Love you and good luck,
    Lena xx

  2. My challenge for you this week is to make a list of pros and cons of what gaining a pound here and there would do. You are a very beautiful person, inside and out. I just hate that this dictates how you see yourself (as it does even me). In the long run I don't think it would harm, and it helps the depression a bit. Just a gentle suggestion. I love you regardless of what you do and I think it's an absolutely fantastic idea to go out with your mom somewhere! I'm thinking of you, as always.

  3. The outing sounds like a lovely idea hunn. Small steps. I have been spotty with my reading lately, so congradulations are in order for getting your intakes into the 1000s! I'm sure someday soon the 1200s will be easier to reach. I'm glad to hear your still working at improvement even though it's far from your comfort zone . Stay strong love, you are a beautiful woman, inside and out!

    Ps. Love your hair! So long and bright :-D

  4. Your hair looks amazing! It's so long and red!

    You've done well to up your intakes so far. Maybe 1400 fills you with panic now, but it might not always be the case? You've done well to get over 1000.

    I'm sorry to hear you're having a hard time. I'm sorry I don't have any comforting words, but I can relate. When everything's been the same for ages, when everything will continue to be the same, and you're still here? I get that feeling.

    I'm glad you're thinking about going out and doing things. I hope you manage to go out with your mum! Also hope you'll have the energy to sew more too!

    I do hope things improve.


  5. I love your hair, its awesome!

    If you put your mind to it, I know you're capable of gradually building up to that 1400, and I think that going out somewhere will help get your mind off things:)

    good luck, hope you feel happier soon! xxx

  6. oh darling <3 I hope the rest of the week is much much better for you. Good on you for setting goals :) I look forward to hearing about your outing and your sewing.

    Your hair is so beautiful :) I love the colour! Wish I had some more comforting words, but I just want to let you know, I'm thinking of you dear <3 <3

  7. You have such lovely, long hair! I am so so jealous!

    And truly, you are so beautiful. I know it's difficult to battle the self-hate thoughts, but you are so much better than that voice in your head says you are. I think it was fair to ask your dietician to stretch out the increase over more time. And congrats on maintaining. Don't worry about increasing or gaining yet. Give yourself some time to adjust, and you can revisit the idea of increasing your intake in the future.

    Hope you get to enjoy some time out with your mum, and I'll be keeping you in my thoughts, hoping your mood improves! <3

  8. I really feel like she should let you stay at the calorie amount you're comfortable with, especially since it's actually pretty lose to healthy, if not actually healthy for you. But them I'm not a professional so what do I know =/

    We're always here if you want to do your "word vomit" at your blog =)

  9. I'm sorry to hear you have been feeling so bad lately, but you have been doing really well. 1200 calories is great, I know you can do this. I'm really glad to hear you are trying to get out more too, please give yourself credit for your achievements :)
    Your hair looks lovely. Take care darling <3
    Alice xx

  10. Thanks for your lovely comment. :)

    I don't think it's fair for the dietician to sneak you into gaining more if that was never the plan anyways, and you're not comfortable with it. I dunno I don't see a dietician but if I were to I'd want help diversifying foods I CAN eat. Not manipulations.

    I hope your outing goes well. I find bookstores and libraries my safest places for an outing, and if I feel calm enough, sitting and reading in a cafe or a park. Good luck deary. :) And your hair is beautiful. :P