My self-image's been in the gutter lately, mostly because A) I feel like a fat lard, and B) I've been covered in unsightly self-injuries. Both are starting to really knock down my confidence. So on Friday I dyed my hair, in the hopes it'll make me feel a little better about myself (so far, it hasn't).
It's been almost a week since I last posted. I just don't have much positive to say at the moment. The days have been spent crying and waiting for time to pass. Mum asks me if I want to talk, but there's so little to say anymore. If I say anything, it's depression's word vomit (I just want to die, I'm worthless, all I do is hurt people, etc.), which isn't helpful at all. She holds my hand and offers words of encouragement, and I just cry.
As always, Tuesday is dietician day. It's becoming a lot of effort to drag myself out to appointments. My intake's been between 1,153-1,181 calories, much the same as last week, and my weight stayed exactly the same.
The dietician mentioned "1,400", and I panicked. Not happening. I'm not comfortable adding that much more Ensure, and I don't want to actually eat more than I already am. I don't see any room to build on what I'm eating. I'm eating 'appropriate' meals at all the right times, and that's more than enough. Besides, if I'm already maintaining, there's no reason to eat more. She wants me to work towards slowly gaining, I don't. She's giving me a few more weeks on 1,200, but she wants me to aim for 1,200-1,250, instead of 1,150-1,200.
When I think about it, I don't think I could stop seeing the dietician if I wanted to. Over the last 15 months she's become such a big part of my life, my routine. I'd be lost without her appointments.
I didn't sew at all this week, except for a half hour on Saturday. So my goals for this week are to finish sewing this skirt, and maybe try to get out of the house again. I'm thinking of either going to a quiet cafe in the middle of nowhere for a cuppa with my mum, or somewhere out in nature; whichever seems least daunting at the time. Maybe. We'll see.