Tuesday, 3 September 2013

Summer, Skirts and 1,200

I saw the dietician earlier. She was away last week, which always makes me anxious to get on the scales. I quickly filled her in about the GP appointments, and then it was down to business and numbers.

My intake's been slightly better these past two weeks, still making progress albeit slow. I'm not having as many days under 1,000 as I was a month ago. Most days I'm actually drinking the Ensure instead of just leaving my intake short. On a 'good' day, I land between 950-1,050 calories. She asked if I've been doing any baking, which I haven't. Changes in routine are still very daunting, but I've cooked three stir-fries, a batch of bolognese and a long-grain risotto (all weighed and measured, with little or no oil), so I'm making progress in the dinner department. 

Since I've been aiming for the same calorie range for so long, she decided it's time to start trying for 1,200. It's a big milestone in my mind, and it's scary as hell, but I know that it's necessary. I can't say I'm comfortable with it, but will I ever be? I don't think I'll be making any great sudden changes to my meal plan, but we'll see how it plays out.

We went to the scales, and my weight's gone up a little bit over the past two weeks. The dietician said she was really relieved, that she was worried it'd drop more when I really can't afford for it to. I wasn't quite as happy. I have to keep reminding myself: it's just a fluctuation, and it's small. It won't automatically change the downward trend into an upward trend. 

In unrelated news, the weather's warming up down here, and it's lovely. I can spend some parts of the day without blankets and layers. I can sit outside and not be drenched by rain or blown away by howling winds. I'm craving fruit and vege like mad, and the air smells of summer. It's all very refreshing. But once it starts edging closer to 30*c, then I'm in trouble. Heatstroke becomes a very real risk, and leaves me trapped inside more than I'm comfortable with. For now though, I'll just try to enjoy the short-lived middle ground.

My skirt is nearly finished, just in time for the warmer weather. Spoiler alert: it's a size 4 AU, and it fits! Like a dream. I tried it on as soon as I put the zipper in, and it was the bright spot in my week. I'm in love. I haven't worn anything that fits this well in years. This is why I started sewing again. It's my first size 4, and there'll be more to come. Pictures will be up in a few days after it's finished.



  1. I'm so proud of you for reaching your calorie goal! No matter what, I just want you to be happy and healthy and sometimes that includes having to gain a little for the sake of living and being able to do the things that make us happy. I'm also super excited to see this skirt! You really are talented, Bella. I'm jealous it's summer! I don't want winter! :D
    Don't forget that I love you and that you are such a beautiful person, inside and out. Huge hugs!

  2. I cant wait to see your picture of your skirt you're sewing. That's awesome that you're reaching your goals. As long as you're happy, that's all that matters. Sending you lots of love.
    XOXO Katie

  3. It's awesome to hear you're making progress <3 it might be scary, but think of how far you've come... as an outsider, it's astounding.

    I can't wait to see your skirt <3

    The weather's getting better here too XD though in the opposite direction. It's going from 28C to 23C. Yay for cooler weather XD

  4. I can't wait to see your skirt creation :) I bet it's going to be brilliant! And yep, tiny teeny fluctuation, try not to get more overwhelmed that you already are about everything because of it, it's exactly what you've said, tiny fluctuation :) and yeah 'what's the point, might as well be dead' is the most common sentence running through the chaos of my head atm too. I love you a lot little starshine and always will xxx

  5. For me it's the other way around, on the other side of the world: I can't wait to wear layers again.



  6. So happy to hear all of this! I can't wait to see the skirt, I'm sure it's lovely. And enjoy the weather while you can! Nature can be so healing. Our summer is ending and I'm sad as always.

    And congrats on getting closer to your goals. Any step is a big step as I believe you've said to me before. And don't sweat the fluctuations (easier said than done I know), you'll be able to maintain but it's always up and down at first. Keep fighting <3

  7. YAY BELLA I'm so proud of you I just want to reach out and give you a GREAT BIG CUDDLY BEAR HUG!! You are just incredible beyond words - so strong and brave and a determined little fighter!

    Any steps you take in fighting this illness will be more difficult than anyone can imagine, but the more you fight, the easier the struggle will become in time. Tell anorexia to get lost, tell her to stop taking over your head and tell her to stop bringing you down over a little bit of weight gain. In recovery, be prepared for your weight to fluctuate for some time as it learns to settle. You needed weight gain to live - it is a miracle that your body is still functioning at such a low weight, so, like your dietitian (who I'm really glad you get such amazing support from), I am so relieved too. Anorexia will try and tell you it is a bad thing, but don't believe it - believe everyone around you who loves you and cares for you more than you could know.

    Stay strong as you are Bella. Keep fighting lovely! We are all here for you!
    Loads of love xxxx