I'm losing days. I can't believe it's already been a week since I last posted.
I feel lower than I have for a long time. Everything is horribly wrong and I don't know how to talk about any of it. I've achieved nothing, barely moved from my armchair all week, again. It's like I'm being weighed down by negativity and haven't the strength to shift it. I can't stop crying, and I still can't explain why.
Sometimes it hits me that my anxiety is just ridiculous. For example, when I do my step aerobics, I'm in the loungeroom looking out the front window, listening to music. On Monday, a post van pulled up to deliver a package. I actually ducked and hid in the corner as he came to the door, even though you can't see me through the netting, and I'm obscured by a rather large tree. Why? Where is the logic? This isn't a rare occurrence, either.
I saw my GP earlier, just quickly to get a flu shot. They have a policy of sitting in the waiting room for 15 minutes after injections incase of allergic reaction. She knows I get really nervous in the waiting room, so she let me sit in the car since we were parked right outside the receptionists' window which was very kind of her. I'm seeing her next week for a double appointment, and a joint appointment with her and the mental health nurse two weeks after that. If she doesn't take me off these useless antidepressants next week, I don't know what I'm going to do.
Mum's going away over the weekend. I won't bore you with all the stupid reasons why I tend to struggle being alone with my head for too long, but the important thing is to try to stay distracted, lest I spend it wallowing in my armchair with nothing to drown out the negative thoughts.
My plan of attack is to keep distracted by marathoning ED documentaries since it's been a while, and I'm hoping I can get stuck into some serious sewing like I did last time I was home alone, though it might be a little ambitious since I've barely been managing an hour per week lately. I also need to really try to keep exercise at two hours max, since my intake inevitably drops further when I'm not being held accountable.
I'll post a few links below, these are the first few that came to mind, but I wanted to ask if you guys had any suggestions for ED documentaries? I'm open to all recommendations. I'd also love to know if any of you have seen any good fictional films about EDs - I've never really seen any.
- Thin by Lauren Greenfield
- Dr. Phil - 'Deadly Thin' (Aimee Moore)
- Super Slim Me (BBC)
- Caraline's Story
- Dana, The 8 Year Old Anorexic
It's still very early days and the polonaise isn't even 10% finished, but I had to pin it all up to my dress model last weekend to make sure the pleats were in the right spots, so I snapped a few quick pics to give you all a sneak peak. Considering how little I've been sewing lately, I think it's going to take a while to finish.