Friday, 21 March 2014

Duck and Hide! and documentaries

I'm losing days. I can't believe it's already been a week since I last posted. 

I feel lower than I have for a long time. Everything is horribly wrong and I don't know how to talk about any of it. I've achieved nothing, barely moved from my armchair all week, again. It's like I'm being weighed down by negativity and haven't the strength to shift it. I can't stop crying, and I still can't explain why. 

Sometimes it hits me that my anxiety is just ridiculous. For example, when I do my step aerobics, I'm in the loungeroom looking out the front window, listening to music. On Monday, a post van pulled up to deliver a package. I actually ducked and hid in the corner as he came to the door, even though you can't see me through the netting, and I'm obscured by a rather large tree. Why? Where is the logic? This isn't a rare occurrence, either.

I saw my GP earlier, just quickly to get a flu shot. They have a policy of sitting in the waiting room for 15 minutes after injections incase of allergic reaction. She knows I get really nervous in the waiting room, so she let me sit in the car since we were parked right outside the receptionists' window which was very kind of her. I'm seeing her next week for a double appointment, and a joint appointment with her and the mental health nurse two weeks after that. If she doesn't take me off these useless antidepressants next week, I don't know what I'm going to do.

Mum's going away over the weekend. I won't bore you with all the stupid reasons why I tend to struggle being alone with my head for too long, but the important thing is to try to stay distracted, lest I spend it wallowing in my armchair with nothing to drown out the negative thoughts.

My plan of attack is to keep distracted by marathoning ED documentaries since it's been a while, and I'm hoping I can get stuck into some serious sewing like I did last time I was home alone, though it might be a little ambitious since I've barely been managing an hour per week lately. I also need to really try to keep exercise at two hours max, since my intake inevitably drops further when I'm not being held accountable.

I'll post a few links below, these are the first few that came to mind, but I wanted to ask if you guys had any suggestions for ED documentaries? I'm open to all recommendations. I'd also love to know if any of you have seen any good fictional films about EDs - I've never really seen any.

It's still very early days and the polonaise isn't even 10% finished, but I had to pin it all up to my dress model last weekend to make sure the pleats were in the right spots, so I snapped a few quick pics to give you all a sneak peak. Considering how little I've been sewing lately, I think it's going to take a while to finish.



  1. when i read the first paragraph, my heart went out to you sweetie. i know that you've had trouble struggling for words for a while, but honestly, any words you say are appreciated. unfortunately, i know exactly how you feel with that one. i think a driving force for that feeling is just feeling empty at any point in time. when i feel empty, that's when the "crushing of negativity" occurs. manifesting itself in a physical way too. it's like getting out of bed is as hard as carrying a few boulders on your shoulders. it's not your fault honey. i hope you still don't feel the "i have to be productive" feeling though i do know it fairly well. i hope things get better for you. <3
    anxiety itself could be ridiculous sometimes but it always somehow triumphs over logic for me. i get very anxious when a person i know starts to consume things that are very low in calories because i believe that they can get away with eating something like 400 or 500 calories a day. that's a major fear for me due to the fact that i feel like people don't eat, and that for everyone, losing weight is just something that happens. yes, logically you know __ and ___ but it doesn't matter in my opinion. either case, it's how it is unfortunately.
    oh please let her take you off on those useless antidepressants. you can try to make a point with her. it may be difficult but it's futile to be on antidepressants that aren't doing anything for you.
    "but the important thing is to try to stay distracted" that. unfortunately, that is also very hard to do but if you either distract or busy yourself with something...hmm. i find this a contradiction in itself because when i feel like that, i know distracting myself is best but it's fairly difficult to find a good enough distraction, so just in case you're the same, i'm going to hope that you do find a good enough distraction.
    i find ED stories to be more triggering than talking to people with actual EDs, but...i believe i can remember a Ellie used to love watching Sharing the Secret! also, my Mad Fat Diary is something that a lot of ED girls i know are obsessed with. it may be interesting to take a look at xx
    omg Bells you honestly astound me with your sewing capabilities! *w* i'm smiling too much :3

    -Sam Lupin

  2. Oh sweetie, I am so worried about you
    I know what it feels like to have crippling anxiety
    It takes over our whole lives
    I try to set myself little goals
    Ones that are realistic to accomplish
    I know you know that restrictive eating makes everything worse
    It's truly awful

    Keep hanging in there Bells
    You are too special a person to be lost to this cruel bastard of an illness

    Take care of you and stay safe
    I am here as ever rooting for you

    Love you x

  3. Gah I wrote you a whole comment with millions of links to documentaries but my internet crashed when I pressed send :( Going to FB message you with them instead. xxxxxxxxx

  4. I hope the weekend goes ok. I used to watch ED docus when I was fasting but since I can't fast without a binge it seems it's best not to do that. Maybe I'll watch some too, and break the association. I really hope the negativity gives you a bit of a break. Sometimes just starting something is the hardest bit. Sending loads of love!
    P.S. Show us progress pics for your beautiful dress!

  5. You're so talented, Bella... good luck keeping your mind occupied, the dress is absolutely darling, and I can't wait to see the progress.

    As for the post man, I agree, they're terrifying people and not to be trusted. :3
    (I hide from them too.)

  6. Million hugs to you darling, anxiety can be so drowning. I hope you're going to be ok during the weekend you brave little girl. Distraction is main thing to survive there, don't take too much stress about knitting, you're doing it just the phase you can.

    Ed movies which i like pretty much are "sharing the secret" "secret between friends" "the best little girl in the world" "the perfect body" and others that are not ed but themed somehow so that i you can get the attitude "stick it" "little girls in pretty boxes" and all cheerleader movies like bring it on... and and. The world is full of these :D
    Smile a little and have at least one good moment with them.
    <3 <3

  7. Wow! You are so talented! I want one :)

  8. Your dress is looking lovely so far! It's good to keep yourself distracted if you're not feeling good, so just keep doing what you're doing and try not to worry yourself too much about things that don't matter <3


    i also read your comments many times a week bc you make me smile.

    -Sam Lupin

  10. I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. Keep working on it. The dress is coming along very nicely! I'm not surprised that I've watched most of those documentaries. Haven't we all?

  11. Oh Bella, I'm sorry you're feeling so down. I hope you feel a little better soon. I send virtual hugs!

    You've probably already seen all of these, but here is my ED playlist:
    "The perfect image - documentary
    "Out of sight" documentary - it's Dutch but I think there's versions with English subtitles
    "Starving Secrets" tv series - cancelled after 3-4 episodes
    "The best little girl in the world"
    "For the love of Nancy"
    "Dying to be thin" - it's on youtube and the PBS website but not sure you can access PBS video outside the US
    "Perfect illusions" - also PBS documentary
    "When friendship kills"
    "For the love of Nancy"
    "Hunger Point" - haven't watched but it's on my list
    "Sharing the secret"
    "Kate's secret" - also on my list but haven't watched
    "Likeness" - this is a short film (8 minutes long) with Elle Fanning - on my list but haven't seen
    "Black Swan" - although I find the self harm horrifying
    "The Karen Carpenter story"
    "Perfect body"
    "Heathers" - 80s film - one of the Heather's has bulimia (plot not really about EDs)
    "Life is sweet" - 90s film - Nicola has bulimia (plot isn't really about EDs)
    "Little girls in pretty boxes"
    "The secret life of Mary Margaret"
    "Facing Anorexia (I and II)" - also Dutch but English subtitles available on youtube
    There are a bunch of BBC documentaries as well e.g. "I'm a child anorexic", "living on air", "super skinny me"

    I hope this helps! Love!!

    There's also the movie with Angelina Jolie (Girl Interrupted) about mental illness in general, I think there were some characters with EDs in it

  12. Oh! I forgot "Starved". It's a TV show, basically ED comedy, I found it hilarious but some people were offended by it... It used to be on YouTube but I don't know if it still is. Here is the wikipedia page for it

    1. I loved that show when it came out! Wish it wasn't so short lived!

  13. Oh oh! They made several "Intervention" episodes about people with eating disorders too.

  14. ED Documentaries while you're home alone and have no one to be accountable to?!
    Doesn't sound safe to me!

    Maybe I'm wrong...maybe that's just me...but when I'm alone and watch those shows, movies, etc, I know it's going to only increase the volume of that voice in my head..I hope it doesn't do the same for you. They are helpful to a degree, but I find it's far more difficult to think rationally and eat what's necessary after watching ED related shows. Lauren Greenfield's work on Thin was incredible. I saw an ED therapist for two sessions, she was in recovery and her husband worked with Lauren on this documentary. I have the book, which I've read a thousand times, so if you're interested in reading it, let me know (fb or email), I'll mail it to you?

    Sending love your way. Such a beautiful dress...I still can't understand how to get the bobbin in the damn machine so my sewing days ended at a decrepit looking pillow lol. I hope things go well with the mental health nurse, and hopefully she has something more to offer you. I do "pray" (though not in those conventional Christian manners) for your happiness and health often, and I hope something gives soon for you. Stay strong & healthy love <3

  15. Bella sweetheart, I am proud of you for putting in work on your sewing! It's not the quantity of time, but the quality, and enjoying a passion of yours is good no matter how little time it gets. I've been pretty absent recently, but I'm ready to hop back on and keep up to date with you! Xoxoxo