Sunday, 30 March 2014


So I'm in hospital. Things took a nosedive when I apparently caught a cold on top of my bronchiolitis/COPD exacerbation.

Where should I start? It's been a hectic few days. I saw my GP first thing Monday morning, and wasn't even in her office five minutes before being moved to the treatment room to be given oxygen. My oxygen levels were dropping to 77-83% which is definitely not good, and the nurse hooked me up to the oxygen tank while my GP tried to get in contact with the thoracic physician (A.K.A, The Lung Doctor Man). After an hour, my GP told me the specialist wouldn't be at the hospital until 6PM and so arranged for me to be admitted via New A&E (more on this in a later post).

The last few days have been hectic with tests and treatments to no avail. Today, though, I'm dreading.

My x-ray upon admission said 'something's wrong', but the physician can't tell what's wrong exactly. There are 'abnormalities', and he thinks I might have a bronchiole (the tinier airways, after the bronchi) almost completely obstructed, which matches where the worst pain's been for the past few weeks. I had a CT scan done a few hours ago, and I'm getting a bronchosopy so he can really see what's going on.

Frankly, guys, I'm fucking terrified. This is by far the most invasive procedure I've had, and I've never had anesthesia before, either. It'll basically involve getting a camera inserted down my nose and into my lungs so he can have a poke around, see what's going on, take some biopsies, whatever.

Fucking terrified.

Oh, I nearly forgot. Just before I was moved from A&E to the ward on Monday night, my GP popped her lovely face into A&E to quickly check up on me. I actually nearly started crying. Then the MH nurse, who I've just started seeing, actually dropped in quickly last night too, as it was on her way somewhere. I don't know what I've done to deserve such goodness. I've never had a team, or even a single medico, who I've felt actually care about me before. Everyone is so kind and I'm so... undeserving.

I didn't get the opportunity to eat on Monday amoungst the chaos. Yesterday I managed 330 cal. Today I had most of a slice of wholemeal toast with Vegemite at 8AM, but since then, I've been fasting - a requirement for both the CT scan and bronchoscopy. No water, either. If I have any water in my stomach, it could be aspirated during the bronchoscopy. But it means I've not had to stress about food too much these past few days which has been a huge relief, and I've gotta admit; the first thing I'm doing when I get home is weighing myself.

I feel like a scared little girl. Everything's just so messed up right now, I can't even find words anymore beyond depression's word-vomit (e.g, 'I just want to disappear', 'I can't do this anymore', 'It's all so pointless and I'm such a waste'). I can't stop crying. This, the lung issues, is all too much to deal with on top of everything else. I just want to go home and smoke and starve myself into an early grave. And my agoraphobia is fucking crushing me in here. God, I would kill for a smoke. On the upside, I get my quarter bottle of Cabs tonight with/for/after dinner (yes, this is the hospital that gives you alcohol).

I'm sorry guys. It seems I've been posting and commenting less and less since I've been so sick, but you guys mean the world to me and I love you all. I'm reading everything and doing what I can, and I'll try to write more often after my lungs clear up. 

I was literally two minutes away from publishing this when the anesthetist came in and whisked me away on a moment's notice, nearly a full hour early, which sent me into full panic. He had to place a new IV since the first one literally fell out overnight (the nurse didn't secure it properly). I nearly broke down when he said, quite brazenly, "You don't eat enough", in reference to my bulbous veins - a combination of a thin wrist and my usual disgusting fluid intake of 16-24 cups a day. 

All I really remember about it was the sedative kicking in, the bed tipping back, and the pain of the bronchoscope in my nostril (though I have no visual memory of such), and then waking up, coughing blood, disoriented, an hour later. The Lung Doctor Man spoke to me briefly and all went well. He took a few biopsies so now we play the waiting game. I'm just trying not to think about the logistics of the procedure. 

I weirdly cried for an hour because I felt so disoriented. I then had to wait another two hours before I could eat or drink anything afterward. And then, 11 hours after my last sip of water, the nurses all tried to offer me solids but all I wanted was milk, fruit cordial and a freezing cold can of Diet Coke. 

It's coming up on midnight, and even if sleep eludes me, my body is crying out for rest. I've had maybe ten hours sleep in the last 96. I've been lucky to get more than an hour's sleep at a time before I wake up coughing, sweating, in pain again, and it's hard to fall asleep in the first place when I feel like I'm suffocating, even though I've been on oxygen 24/7 since Monday morning. 

There's so much more to say, but for now, at least, you know the basics. I'll post more in a few days and try to start catching up on comments tomorrow, I promise.

Y'all have seen me without makeup countless times, so here's a 'truly naked' selfie, Bella-style. No piercings allowed. Hospital lighting is shit, sorry.

And the leftovers...



  1. You poor thing :(

    I hope everything goes well.

    And that is an awesome collection of piercings.

  2. I'm so sorry that you have to be going through this right now! I hate hospitals and getting tests done. And it especially sucks when you're so sick. I really really hope you find out what's causing you so much pain and get better soon.

  3. holy shit WHAT HOSPITAL BELLA YOU WORRY ME darling, *shakes head* my poor poor darling.
    and YOU ARE NOT UNDESERVING. not at all. if you're alive and human you are as deserving of anything as i am. that's just it. mental disorders make it seem like "everyone deserves everything BUT me". it's not true. not at all, my beautiful beautiful butterfly.
    don't do anything strenuous okay? you're worrying me, Bellsy. i love you loads, and i hate that you are feeling ill and sad and things are all over the place. you're too lovely for all of this.
    you're always in my thoughts and i am always awaiting to hear from you.
    i honestly do not know what to say. invasive procedures are petrifying just to think about - much less do.
    and oh, your piercings though, Bella *shakes head*.

    -Sam Lupin

  4. Awk no sweetieeee thats awful:(
    And you're definitely, DefINIteLY not undeserving. At all. Okay??
    Also, you have the loveliest eyes and an awesome collection of piercings. Just so you know.
    I love you!!<3

  5. I wish they would go in with little robots and just FIX you, Bella darling... open up all those nasty bronchioles and suck the sickness out of you. I find myself getting somewhat angry that they're terrifying you unnecessarily, stating obvious things and fucking up simple procedures like IV placement... the bruises on your wrist make me want to lash out at something. :(

    Rest up, and... you wear hospital whites better than anyone else, love. :)
    I hope you start to feel better soon, physically and mentally... and I can't stop laughing at the pile of piercing jewelry, I bet that gave them a twitch when you started to stack them up.

  6. OMG you poor little thing. That's all so awful. Have you got stuff to do to keep u occupied? Sewing or something? Arts and Crafts is basically the only thing that gets me through hospital times. I wish I could help. Send me something to draw. I'll draw it. Haha. So helpful right? LOVES. xoxoxo

  7. You are so beautiful Bella :) No makeup or piercings needed!

    I really hope you feel better soon hon.

  8. Oh my gosh girl I hope you're okay and I'm saying prayers! I would be so distraught over the loss of my piercings. You've got a nice collection. :) it makes me mad that you get implant grade jewelry only to have them claim you can't have them.
    Don't stress yourself out love. Try to keep breathing and please tell yourself kind things. Don't forget that I love you. Hold on. This will pass.

  9. Your doctors are checking in on you for the same reasons we're reading this post and commenting: we care. It's an impossible thing to consider, I realize this, but whether you think you deserve it or not, people are going to care anyway. Imagine the rest of the people around you saying the opposite of whatever the depression/anxiety/ED/stress is shouting in your head. Your doctors' and family's jobs are to see that you're alright and you're getting the proper treatment. For now, rest when you can and I hope you get your Diet Coke. Prayers that you'll be out of there soon. Love you hon.

  10. Aww Bella I'm sorry to hear this, but glad the procedure is out of the way and now hopefully they will have some answers to help get rid of the blasted chest infection once and for all! I hope you are doing better and feeling better and you get to go home soon. And you are definitely not undeserving! And Kitz is right! You're BEAUTIFUL! No need for makeup at all!!!

  11. I don't usually comment on blogs anymore but I've been reading yours consistently Bella and I just wanted to say I so so hope you feel better soon- physically and mentally. You genuinely seem like the sweetest person and you deserve happiness and freedom from this sorrow and pain.
    And everyone is right, you are so beautiful, and you just look so tiny and innocent and fragile in that photo, I just want to wrap you in blankets and surround you with kittens (unless the fur exacerbates the lung issues!)
    Please keep us updated on the results? I'm so very worried for you and I know many others are, and for the same reason your Drs visit and are so dedicated to you- because you are an incredible, brave and strong young woman. Sending all my luck to you and lots of hugs and tea x

  12. Darling you're the best, I love reading your posts and I'm so sorry about all that's going on, but so glad you have a team on your side. When you feel like being out in the world is just going to crush you just know we love you so much and I'm thinking of you and you can always put the sheet over your head and retreat into blog world. We all need it sometimes.

  13. Oh, my, my, my... speechless. My hearts breaks into pieces for you. I'm so glad that you have a team that cares for you and not just focus on doing their job. But why you had to take that cute metal collection of? They were niiiceee.... also million hugs and kisses, wishes and all the good, you have to get better - not soon because that might be impossible requirement - but soon into shape where you can sleep, stop coughing and breathe without pain. Then get better for the rest of it.
    I just want to write a long love, love, love you - list because you're such a sweet girl and I hate it when sweet girls have to go to hospitals.

  14. <3 I'm so glad your team came to see you, that's so sweet of them! And also, vegemite. Yum.
    I had a fucked up IV before when they were putting me under anaesthetic. They couldn't find a vein to do it and it got me really wound up. Your piercings look much better when they're where they belong, they look sad in that picture.
    I'm sorry you have those painful looking bruises <3 And about the sleep, that sounds exhausting but I struggle to sleep in hospital. That might've been because my legs felt like they were encased in concrete and I had the blood pressure stockings AND I had to sleep on my back, but I struggle too. I think it's the atmosphere.
    I really hope you get better soon and that your lungs can be treated in a way that you'd be comfortable with. <3 Lots of love sweetie.

  15. <3
    i saw your comment on my foodie food blog.
    ahahaha. i knew you'd figure it out. you're an angel. though i try to explain the "unexplained". gold stars for you.
    i know parsley is a herb but i don't know how these things go. i know i'd cock my head if i ever read something called "oregano soup" but parsley and parsnip i use interchangeably. funny that. i think it's because i'm not used to seeing parsnip on anything. it was bloody brilliant though.


    -Sam Lupin

  16. You look beautiful by the way even in hospital. My heart goes out to you. Sounds so scary and stressful. Health problems and medical procedures are no fun. You are very strong and you just have to keep doing what your doctors tell you and keep trying. I hope that you are feeling better soon and that they figure out how to help you.

  17. Bella I hope this comment finds you well or as well as you can be
    Don't worry about not commenting
    You have bigger fish to fry at the moment
    I hope they can help you there
    You must be so run down

    And you are beautiful just the way you are

    Love you x

  18. bella you look so fragile and beautiful and delicate and im so sorry ive been so bloody awol and not there for you, i hope you know i love you to pieces and im thinking about you and let me know how you are?x xxx

  19. I'm so sorry things are so crazy for you right now :/ I hope you begin to get well soon!

  20. Oh Bella, I'm so sorry to read this. Firstly can I say that you are NOT undeserving, you are so deserving, you deserve so much kindness and I am really glad that you were receiving such comfort from your GP/MH nurse. I hope you continue to receive such kindness during this horrific time for you. My heart goes out to you and I'm sending you huge bear hugs across the ocean. Please please get well soon lovely Bella. Love you so much xxxx