What is this madness?!
This never happens.
The first one I don't know too well, and haven't seen in at least 4-5 years. The second was a good friend of mine, again four or five years ago, whom I told 6 months ago we'd catch up sometime soon.
I haven't had much social interaction outside of the blogosphere for the last few years. My anxiety keeps getting worse year after year. In the entirety of 2012, I had maybe five social encounters, and a big fat zero last year. The few years before that weren't much better. Currently, I haven't seen a friend in... 15 months now.
I'm not too sure what to do. I have the social skills of an alien, and communicating with non-blogger friends sends my anxiety levels through the roof for days at a time. I don't even know what to say when people ask 'how are you?'! Heaven help me if I actually have to talk to someone face-to-face.
As for my weight... I don't normally cry when my dietician weighs me anymore, but I came bloody close this week. She told me I weighed exactly the same, and my heart sank.
She tried to console me by saying sometimes it takes the body a little while to catch up, that it might drop next week although she hopes it doesn't. It didn't help.
"I wish I had an explanation for you... Sometimes these things just happen."
I told her it's impossible to consider eating more when I'm already maintaining. I know logically that when my intake's been higher I haven't gained, but I just can't do it right now.
I didn't have the energy to pretend I was okay with it. I didn't have the energy to pretend that I don't just want to disappear. I sat there shaking my head, too ashamed to make eye contact.
I've been trying to cut back my exercising since, though my intake's still anywhere between 400-700, plus Tuesday's family dinner and drinks (1,400, argh). I'm trying to keep it at two hours max a day, though Wednesday was something like three and a half hours total between step aerobics and Wii boxing, Thursday was a little over two hours. Once I start it's hard to let myself stop. I know a lot of you can relate. Yesterday I kept it to 60 minutes because I was feeling awful, mentally and physically, from the moment I woke up. I just couldn't push myself to do a second stint, and I feel horrible about it today. I've already done two hours this morning, though I might do more after posting this, to clear my head before I have to actually answer these messages, I don't know.
As a side note, I made a big batch of sugar-free meringues on Monday night - 8 egg whites worth, which have been my afternoon snacks this week. If you haven't seen the recipe before, go check it out. They're a little more fragile than regular meringues, but nutritionally speaking they're essentially egg whites and Splenda.
So while it hasn't exactly been a busy week, it hasn't been quiet either. I've just felt completely overwhelmed every hour of every day. I feel fat, and I am sad, and I just want my head to stop.