Saturday, 1 March 2014

What is this I don't even

In the past few days, I've had two people message me on FB, both asking to catch up with me.
What is this madness?!
This never happens.

The first one I don't know too well, and haven't seen in at least 4-5 years. The second was a good friend of mine, again four or five years ago, whom I told 6 months ago we'd catch up sometime soon. 
I haven't had much social interaction outside of the blogosphere for the last few years. My anxiety keeps getting worse year after year. In the entirety of 2012, I had maybe five social encounters, and a big fat zero last year. The few years before that weren't much better. Currently, I haven't seen a friend in... 15 months now.

I'm not too sure what to do. I have the social skills of an alien, and communicating with non-blogger friends sends my anxiety levels through the roof for days at a time. I don't even know what to say when people ask 'how are you?'! Heaven help me if I actually have to talk to someone face-to-face.

As for my weight... I don't normally cry when my dietician weighs me anymore, but I came bloody close this week. She told me I weighed exactly the same, and my heart sank.
She tried to console me by saying sometimes it takes the body a little while to catch up, that it might drop next week although she hopes it doesn't. It didn't help. 
"I wish I had an explanation for you... Sometimes these things just happen."

I told her it's impossible to consider eating more when I'm already maintaining. I know logically that when my intake's been higher I haven't gained, but I just can't do it right now.
I didn't have the energy to pretend I was okay with it. I didn't have the energy to pretend that I don't just want to disappear. I sat there shaking my head, too ashamed to make eye contact.

I've been trying to cut back my exercising since, though my intake's still anywhere between 400-700, plus Tuesday's family dinner and drinks (1,400, argh). I'm trying to keep it at two hours max a day, though Wednesday was something like three and a half hours total between step aerobics and Wii boxing, Thursday was a little over two hours. Once I start it's hard to let myself stop. I know a lot of you can relate. Yesterday I kept it to 60 minutes because I was feeling awful, mentally and physically, from the moment I woke up. I just couldn't push myself to do a second stint, and I feel horrible about it today. I've already done two hours this morning, though I might do more after posting this, to clear my head before I have to actually answer these messages, I don't know. 

As a side note, I made a big batch of sugar-free meringues on Monday night - 8 egg whites worth, which have been my afternoon snacks this week. If you haven't seen the recipe before, go check it out. They're a little more fragile than regular meringues, but nutritionally speaking they're essentially egg whites and Splenda.

So while it hasn't exactly been a busy week, it hasn't been quiet either. I've just felt completely overwhelmed every hour of every day. I feel fat, and I am sad, and I just want my head to stop.


xxBella

7 comments:

  1. it's me. it's my gift that i bestowed upon you. more people.
    awwwwwwwww flower. i'm sorry! that sounds horrendous. anxiety is a fucking whore that needs to be slapped around (i just made it sound like i'm a demanding dominatrix. oops.)
    social skills of an alien. dude. aliens are the best.
    "I wish I had an explanation for you... Sometimes these things just happen." that i agree with her. she's right about that.
    "I didn't have the energy to pretend I was okay with it. I didn't have the energy to pretend that I don't just want to disappear. I sat there shaking my head, too ashamed to make eye contact." sweetie, this honestly breaks my heart. i'm sorry about this. i'm so deadpanned that you're feeling this way!
    yes, i can definitely relate. when i started to recover, even though i was eating a lot more, i was exercising a lot of it off and this resulted in me losing weight. then i stopped exercising. weight spiked back on, stabilised, then i lost. don't think i can do it again to be honest with you.
    i just clicked on that in curiosity. wow! your Mother's a diabetic, huh? i've not known that. type two i'm guessing since you said you had to limit sugar? then again, type 1. huh. i'm thinking about this.
    i've never had a meringue. not sure why not!

    -Sam Lupin
    PS. i love you. i deeply care for you. you are always in my thoughts and if there's anyone in this world i want to get better, it is you.

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  2. Thinking of you often lovely. Sending love and many hugs xxxxxx

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  3. I hate when we maintain our weight, but like she said, sometimes it just takes our bodies a minute to catch up. I'm glad that you're still working out and using the boxing. That's awesome of you. I will deff check out that recipe. I'm still waiting for your email ;) Love you.
    XOXO

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  4. I think March will turn out to be a great month for all of us.
    For what it's worth, I think you should try to push the anxiety back and try to get in touch with your friends.
    And if it doesn't go too well, you always have us here to pick you up and help you get over it.

    I'm so sorry about the weigh in thing.
    You shouldn't have to feel like that. None of us should.

    And the exercise part?
    Oh, I am a maniac. I used to spend hours at the gym until I realized that wasn't exactly good for me. Right now, I do HIIT three times a week.

    I am going to try out the recipe, thanks.

    <3

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  5. Your comments get me through deary. My mind is all jumbled. No words. But I loves u. <3

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  6. Thank you, love received and sending back some too :)
    That seems to be a theme that people from the past are waking up suddenly. I know, this is really challenging proposal but have it crossed your mind that you could possibly take the "go out once a month challenge" to see one of those past friends? It doesn't need to be anything too public or long but for a half an hour, see someone. You can take your mom with you, cards to play... or if not going asking them to come over. I know, huge step but just had to say it because on a good day, you could manage to to do it. Sure it also depends on people and many other thing, answer first then think Tat going crazy with her imagination. Step by step and little wins, you should do a collage about those things you've concurred so you would remember them too and give the value in right proportion.
    Love you, hugs and kisses <3

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