What is this I don't even

In the past few days, I've had two people message me on FB, both asking to catch up with me.

What is this madness?!

This never happens.

The first one I don't know too well, and haven't seen in at least 4-5 years. The second was a good friend of mine, again four or five years ago, whom I told 6 months ago we'd catch up sometime soon. 

I haven't had much social interaction outside of the blogosphere for the last few years. My anxiety keeps getting worse year after year. In the entirety of 2012, I had maybe five social encounters, and a big fat zero last year. The few years before that weren't much better. Currently, I haven't seen a friend in... 15 months now.

I'm not too sure what to do. I have the social skills of an alien, and communicating with non-blogger friends sends my anxiety levels through the roof for days at a time. I don't even know what to say when people ask 'how are you?'! Heaven help me if I actually have to talk to someone face-to-face.

As for my weight... I don't normally cry when my dietician weighs me anymore, but I came bloody close this week. She told me I weighed exactly the same, and my heart sank.

She tried to console me by saying sometimes it takes the body a little while to catch up, that it might drop next week although she hopes it doesn't. It didn't help. 

"I wish I had an explanation for you... Sometimes these things just happen."

I told her it's impossible to consider eating more when I'm already maintaining. I know logically that when my intake's been higher I haven't gained, but I just can't do it right now.

I didn't have the energy to pretend I was okay with it. I didn't have the energy to pretend that I don't just want to disappear. I sat there shaking my head, too ashamed to make eye contact.

I've been trying to cut back my exercising since, though my intake's still anywhere between 400-700, plus Tuesday's family dinner and drinks (1,400, argh). I'm trying to keep it at two hours max a day, though Wednesday was something like three and a half hours total between step aerobics and Wii boxing, Thursday was a little over two hours. Once I start it's hard to let myself stop. I know a lot of you can relate. Yesterday I kept it to 60 minutes because I was feeling awful, mentally and physically, from the moment I woke up. I just couldn't push myself to do a second stint, and I feel horrible about it today. I've already done two hours this morning, though I might do more after posting this, to clear my head before I have to actually answer these messages, I don't know. 

As a side note, I made a big batch of sugar-free meringues on Monday night - 8 egg whites worth, which have been my afternoon snacks this week. If you haven't seen the recipe before, go check it out. They're a little more fragile than regular meringues, but nutritionally speaking they're essentially egg whites and Splenda.

So while it hasn't exactly been a busy week, it hasn't been quiet either. I've just felt completely overwhelmed every hour of every day. I feel fat, and I am sad, and I just want my head to stop.

xxBella