Friday, 7 March 2014

*head explodes*

It's confession time. I've been doing sneaky weigh-ins on the Wii some mornings. Okay, every morning for the past two weeks. I don't know why. I know I shouldn't. It just happened. 

know that judging my weight on a daily basis is futile, and nothing short of an exercise in torture. But I slipped back to it so easily, so comfortably, and the scales are once again dictating how my day will go. With everything I eat, even the safest of safe foods, there's that worry of what the scales will say in the morning. I haven't weighed myself daily for... well, maybe two years. It's been the one thing I could say I was doing 'right'.

Tuesday morning, my dietician told me I'd lost weight. She never tells me how much, but this time I already knew. I was down 0.3kg this Tuesday from last Tuesday on the Wii scales. It's not much, but it's something. I can't expect to lose 2kgs week after week anymore. Even though it's never given a 100% accurate weight, it's at least consistent. So I don't know exactly what I weigh each day, but I know of any changes. I didn't tell the dietician and my mum doesn't know either. I barely spoke, again.

She keeps asking if I know why my intake's still so low, what's different now compared to when I was reaching 1,200-1,300 calories. I sat silent for what felt like an eternity before I could summon words. 
"My... mood."
I couldn't elaborate more than that. I don't want to dump all of the crazy, heavy, illogical, deathwish, deep-down crap on her when she's not a mental health professional.

And speaking of the devils... Leaving the appointment, I finally bit the bullet and booked my first appointment with the Mental Health Nurse. April 9th. I've put it off for as long as I can, but my GP's been increasingly uncomfortable with herself and my dietician being my only supports. I can't say I blame her. I haven't seen any mental health professionals for over two years, so I've had a good run. I haven't seen one on a regular basis for even longer. I still have no idea what to expect but I'm trying not to over-think it. Honestly, I think my biggest worry is about getting slapped with a section and pushed into weight restoration, which has been the general trend after seeing psychiatrists etc. ever since I developed Anorexia, hence I've worked so hard to avoid psychs and hospitals these past few years.

Oh, and the whole 'social' thing... I'm catching up with my friend later today for drinks. Surreal. I've just had my second lorazepam for today and will likely have another before I go. On top of everything else, the prospect of social interaction has had my anxiety at agonizing levels all week. I feel completely overwhelmed, and I've been taking one, two, three lorazepam a day to try to calm my head. I considered backing out last-minute, but what good would that do me? It'll never get easier. 

Agoraphobia-wise, it's not too much of a challenge. It's not like I'll be out-and-about in the world in public with strangers. It'll just be house-car-house which I can deal with, and he's someone I trust and feel safe with. Since a few people have suggested it; I actually cannot stand to have people in the house. I feel too vulnerable and completely freak out at the idea of anyone visiting. We haven't had company in years. I won't even let medical professionals in despite their offers of home visits.

But the anxietymy god, I don't have words enough to describe it. I really, really don't plan on making being social a regular thing or a goal in the foreseeable future. It takes me 24hrs+ to send a one-sentence message because I stress so much over every word. How am I supposed to hold an actual conversation?! 
I am actually an alien. I wouldn't put it past me to try to shake hands with a car.

This week's just been... I don't know. Everything's too much, too overwhelming, too much. I just have to get through today, and tomorrow I can hide away from the world again. For now though, I need to drag my butt out of my armchair and get on the step to kill some time and clear my head, lest I sit here bubbling away with stress for the rest of the day. 



  1. Bella darling nooooooooooooooooo don't xx
    moods are the worst. in fact, i was not going to comment on this post or anyone else's posts but i felt compelled too, especially for you because you are so lovely and supportive. it's just one of those days where i don't want to feel emotionally invested in people but i AM.
    "Leaving the appointment, I finally bit the bullet and booked my first appointment with the Mental Health Nurse." i'm glad. i really am. i hope that this is a step in the right direction. honestly, Bells, i want nothing more than for you to be happy.
    "I considered backing out last-minute, but what good would that do me? It'll never get easier. " there we go.
    honestly, i think we all know what we SHOULD be doing. we just have to apply it, don't we? it's difficult but it's also easy. that's the way it's always like.
    honey, that last two paragraphs really did kill me. i honestly wish so much for you. i hope that things get better. i really do. i hope you feel better too. shitty moods are so horrible and you've been a victim of your own demons for so long. makes me wish i could just take you into a room, lock you there until the world stops turning or something to that effect.
    God, oh God, do i love you. i really do love you. i think one thing people tend to forget is that love itself does not have to be a romantic kind of love. i think the strongest kind of love does not come from romance, but the willingness to make someone else happier at your expense or the need to do anything - even the smallest things - to make a person feel better, even if it's just putting a comment on someone's blog. <3
    you do say this to a lot of people, so i'll say it back to you: take care of yourself, angel. really do try to at least. i'm keeping you in my thoughts as always.

    -Sam Lupin

  2. Oh Bella dear, thank you for your kind comments on my posts. It means the world to me. I'm sorry that the anxiety is so bad, I completely understand. I'm glad that you made an appointment with the mental health nurse. It's always good to have more people on your side than against you. I got your email, I'm sorry it's taking me so long to get back to you. When I find the words, I'll send you an email back. Sending you my love.

  3. It's such a huge brave step that you are going to see a friend after not having done so for such a long time. I'm really glad to hear it and I hope you have a good time :)
    Aw "shake hands with a car" lol not only are you a kind and wonderful person whose friends are lucky to have her, you're funny too! xx <3

  4. Hi Bella,

    Just wanted to check in with you.
    Everything is such an effort these days, even just commenting
    Just wanted you to know that I am here

    Try to stay safe
    You're in my thoughts and prayers

    Lots of love x

  5. I think that's fantastic that you're seeing a friend! Please don't rule out being social. When the anxiety comes just take a step back and write down all the reasons you can think of that trigger it. The best defense is to fight anxiety with fact and go against it. I know it's hard but don't give up.

    I think you should talk with the mental health peon about maybe things to do to minimize your anxiety. Of course, you know how I feel about it. I just want to see you on the way to getting better.

    I keep meaning to Facebook you because I've been so chappy at commenting. Don't forget that I love you beautiful.