Friday, 14 March 2014

Exhaustion, Éclairs and Alcohol

Today, I am drained. I am emotionally exhausted to the point that it physically hurts. All I want to do is collapse and sink into the floor and disappear. 

I am acutely aware of all the things I should be doing, but instead I stay stuck in my armchair, paralyzed and sick with anxiety.

I should be exercising. I should be sewing. I should be reading. I should be cooking, making soups to fill the freezer with easy-to-grab dinners, or meringues for safe afternoon snacks. I should be doing something crafty. I should be doing something with my days.

But at the moment it's a challenge to get out of bed in the morning, to brush my hair. I try to sew (I'm still working on the top half of this dress), but I can't focus for more than ten minutes at a time. I actually kinda want to get back into gaming, but even that seems too daunting. Exercise, I can motivate myself for, but I should be doing more.

I saw my friend on Friday evening. I didn't have a panic attack or anything of the sort, amazingly enough. I didn't feel as anxious about my anxiety as I thought I would, if that makes sense. I drank, but not to excess, though it was enough to push the scales back up a little. Is it possible that I've finally grown into a responsible drinker? It's a miracle.

It was just bizarre to be social again. For over a year now, the only people I've seen have been my family and my medical team. I haven't really had a social life for the last 3-4 years, and it amazes me that I still have any friends left after having disappeared for so long. That said, I'm still content with the peace and quiet of isolation for now, I think. 

Mum's been asking a lot this week about doing something to get me out of the house and out of this rut. I'm thinking about maybe doing another bushwalk, or maybe going to the zoo or a wildlife sanctuary for something a bit different. I don't know. I'm not exactly jumping up and down to go out again. We'll see.

With summer drawing to a close, I acquired a new pair of shorts on sale. There were no size 4s, or even 6s, so I settled for a kids' 12. They still fit better than any of my other shorts, which are all size 8 and up.

My brother's birthday was on Tuesday. Me being me, I like to do birthday baking. One thing about my brother is that he doesn't eat cake. He does not eat cake. Cake. Anyway, so this year in lieu of a birthday cake, I made a batch of mini chocolate eclairs (they were about 3-4" long and 0.5" wide - so fiddly but so cute).



  1. noooooooo don't collapse to the floor and disappear omg
    i'm sorry you're sick with anxiety flower :( anxiety is a horrific thing.
    that's the thing, love. you shouldn't be doing anything you don't feel like doing. when you feel like doing it, you will but until then, i suppose, huh? just try to take it easy. it sounds like you're going through a tough time at the moment.
    "but I can't focus for more than ten minutes at a time." this is actually the worst feeling in the world. i can relate to this beyond words. and it just adds to my anxiety when i actually have to do something - like study lecture upon lecture. srsly. it's horrible.
    i'm glad you didn't have a panic attack going to see your friend. really am. drinking is one thing. i cannot understand alcohol. mostly because i'm not allowed to have it per religious basis.
    i think things will fix themselves in time. with anything really. i think it'll get better. the good thing about being stuck in a really bad rut is that you can only get better and also, there's always the realisation of little achievements.
    i'm glad you made that trip. you're amazing.
    those are nice shorts!
    black eh? nah. i love black. it's the singular most perfect colour in the world. i say, as i sit here with my grey dress that is decorated with slightly visible blue flowers. with that being sad, funnily enough, my favourite colour is probably pink.
    of course you and your baking.
    i like the thought of cake. i hate the taste of cake. i hated cake from pre-ED, craved it during ED, and now that i'm back to this spot., i realise how much i don't like cake. i like cupcakes but i don't like cake. and the cupcake has to be decked with icing for me to really enjoy it.
    i've never had an eclair. i've never had a Twinkie or anything to that effect. anything that is 'creme-filled' baked good. i don't think i can get over it.
    once i had a creme-filled doughnut, still trying to get over how disappointing i found it! xD
    i love you.
    take care of yourself, Bells. you're in my thoughts as always.
    and your comments make me happy. incredibly so.

    -Sam Lupin

  2. I cannot get over the fact that you can bake stuff that's that awesome. XD Even making eggs is daunting for me. >_<

    <3 It's lovely to see that you can still socialize with people and you still have friends outside the blogging world.

  3. Way to go for the socializing! Usually that ends poorly for me... I love you loads and I'm so pleased for you that you're still planning adventures, despite feeling so shit.
    Also thank you so much for the super kind comment on the tw post. It means so much to me that you understand. xxoxoxox Lilu

  4. okay when you gave me your method for weighing things, i genuinely laughed. i used to do that at the height of my ED, but now, i've just gotten lazy. i hate weighing pans though and people look at me even more than when i'm weighing with bowls. i'd probably just weigh with the bowl after cooking something (a lot of the times it's because of the residue that ends up being in a pan.) i'm far too lazy to measure out water, but when i know i'm not going to eat the whole thing, it's typically weigh bowl + contents then after consumption, bowl (i always have identical bowls) then bowl + contents then subtraction.
    though most of the time, i'm lazy. i'd just weigh out things initially and eat the whole thing. that's the plan anyway. i HATE having to estimate. and i had to do that yesterday. i'm still shaking from the event.
    how do people do that all the time i do not understand
    "Yes, omg. I think we may be measuring soul mates. Thankfully my mother understands this." YES. YES. YES. YES. you're my bby.
    yesterday, my Father actually weighed out my fish and cooked it before i had a chance of doing it. i asked him how much, and he's like "200". i just gave him that look. "exactly 200?" because oh my God, people estimate too much. apparently, it was exactly 200. i still don't believe him. gah.
    "Because you can never be sure that one cup is exactly 250ml unless you're measuring with a syringe or something (and even then I'd be skeptical)." YES. YES. YES. i'd be skeptical too. i like something that can tell me that i put in 251ml or 249ml. that's just it.
    "People try to eat a spoonful of cinnamon without anything to drink." yes. my sister mentions it every single time that i eat something with cinnamon. i have a habit of licking spoons after i'm done with something even though i shouldn't. (hence why i add a few grams when i do peanut and almond butter. better safe than sorry. God knows how many grams was the small smudge of nut butter i had). cinnamon is one of those things i just lick off a spoon and a cringe afterwards. so no thank you.
    "N'awwwww :3" i'm giggling. it's true though. i'm at around 5'3"ish (i hate saying that because i don't like that number. i'd rather tell people i was 5'2" or 5'1" or 5'0". higher than 5'2" i don't like until it passes 5'7". le sigh. what can we do?) and the shelves are quite high for me. when i'm out of college, i feel the need to be taller but when i'm in college, i just want to be shorter because everyone else is a midget and i feel like the Hulk. i don't know why but i really like feeling short in college. one of my aunts (that i refuse to acknowledge her existence because she's thin as) is about 75% of my height. she literally looks like a child.
    i've been stalking your comments so i know you'd want to be shorter just for a smaller weight at the same BMI. i have frame issues - because sometimes, i want to be small-framed with the same "look" but with a lower weight. other times, i like being this weight because i'm the only 5'3" 138-140lb female that i know that somehow has chestbones and hipbones showing. well, my chestbones only do really proper show when i'm not wearing a bra but that's another story for another day.
    "You are adorable. Your comments are a bright spot in these dark days. I love you." same to you, beautiful xxx

    -Sam Lupin

  5. Anything. Just do anything but give up her that anxiety. It's not the end of the world if you can't fo everything but just a little even lifting finger is something to be proud of.
    And you got out! I'm sooooo proud of you! Even the drinking too even if l probably shouldn't :D but once in a while it's not bad.

    Love the shorts and the birthday baking!
    And you know, I had to tell Suna what you said about wishing to find someone like her... she was totally taken by the surprize and asked what did i wrote. But you made that day a lot better for her with that :)
    Love you honey, keep on working hard with it. You are strong <3

  6. I'm being a horrifically shit friend right now and I'm so so sorry. Sorry you're struggling but I'm glad seeing your friend wasn't as scary as you had thought it would be. Remember I love you always and forever and I'll try and be les pathetic this week xxx

  7. I am so glad that the social event didn't cause as much anxiety as you had anticipated!!! Congratulations! Likewise for the drinking :) Those eclairs look lovely, I hope your brother enjoyed them. As for the shorts, very cute! I used to be able to still fit in my kids size 14 jeans... but definitely not anymore. Can't even wear a 1 haha. Back to you - I applaud you for realizing that you could do more. I usually get in a rut where I don't care enough to even think about doing something, so perhaps you'll be able to start on something soon. The dress, as I said before, is so lovely. I think you'd *gasp* look fine in something that isn't black! Lol. Anyways, for the motivation - I started a list today. It has really silly, small tasks to do like put my laundry away, but I feel accomplished when I can check something off the list. Would this help you? You could use this method to help you build up to other tasks. Thinking of you fondly! Xoxo

  8. Your talent makes me so jealous I can't sew or cook at all! I would love to learn one day but I feel so depressed these days ah well maybe in a year

  9. I do that too... when you've got so many things you could be doing and sometimes the weight of all that potential productivity is too much, so then I stay in bed and literally panic.

    So glad you got to see your friend and it went OK. The kind of friends that stick with you no matter what - that's true friendship. I'm glad you have that. That's really hard to find.

    I like the shorts! I'm a pretty decent cook but I can't bake to save my life. Which is probably not a bad thing, If I could bake then I'd binge all the time.

  10. Sometimes the less you do the less you feel like doing and the doing nothing actually becomes as exhausting as when you are doing something and it's harder then ever to get moving. I love it that you are crafty. I wish I was!! The shorts are cute.