I'm in hibernation mode, and I've felt completely isolated from the world.
It started on Saturday. Home alone, I set myself up in the lounge with my laptop, notebooks, journal, my cigarettes, a few extra lorazepam and a big glass of ice-cold Coke Zero. I drew the curtains and closed the door, turned the radio off and the heating up high. I curled up on the couch with my duvet and my teddy friends, and zoned out to some ED movies and docos (list below). I'd forgotten what a good distraction they can be.
I felt like I was in my own little world, shut off from everything. I didn't have to move, I had everything I needed in one place. I only left the lounge to make coffee or go to the bathroom, and then I was back in my little hideaway. I could stay on the couch to smoke my cigarettes, which I usually can't. I didn't pay a care to the time on the clock or having to eat at exactly 8, 12, 3, 6 o'clock - time didn't matter, didn't exist, and it was a wonderful freedom. An eternal twilight.
By the time 6pm got here, I looked at my food diary and realized I hadn't eaten since breakfast (a small slice of Vegemite toast and some strawberry yoghurt - 73 calories), so I heated up quarter of a can of tomato soup with a splash of skim milk and some basil and black pepper. I've only had canned soup maybe 3 or 4 times in my entire life, but I still have none homemade in the freezer. It actually wasn't too bad, but I couldn't stop thinking "Do I really need this? I'm not hungry, why am I eating this? I don't deserve to be eating this". After 100ml, I poured the rest down the sink, finishing the day on a total of 145 calories. And it felt good.
I haven't been able to feel comfortable in the house for years due to trauma issues. I practically live in my armchair on the back porch so I can chain smoke, and sleep on the couch - my bedroom is really the cat's room. I don't spend time inside unless I have to do something, like sewing or cooking, and I don't feel like I really 'belong' anywhere. But this weekend, I felt comfortable to hibernate in the lounge, and I didn't feel like I had to keep busy, I didn't beat myself up for doing nothing like I have been lately.
I don't know what it was exactly. I think it was a combination of it all - the isolation, warmth, darkness, the way time seemed to stop, the quiet, the constant movies to distract me, being able to stay in one place, not having to eat proper meals at proper times. It sounds so simple, but it's like I've stumbled upon something I haven't had for years. The lower intakes probably played a hand as well as the extra lorazepam - I simply felt too tired to get off the couch, and for once I didn't have to.
So I've kept hibernating into the week. After breakfast, I set myself up in the lounge with everything I need, and stay there until it's time to start planning dinner. Mum's being a godsend and is allowing me to keep smoking cigarettes in the lounge, though only between breakfast and dinner. She's asked that I at least keep eating breakfast and dinner with her, but she's agreed to not push me to eat during the day.
I did get out yesterday to see the dietician, who was lovely as always. She has a day off coming up soon, but she's coming in to see me first thing anyway. She said it'd be strange to start a Tuesday without seeing me. In June, I'll have seen her every week for two years. I'm amazed she's put up with me for so long, but I don't think I'd still be here without her support. Tomorrow I'm off to see my GP, for the last time before I have to start seeing The Mental Health Nurse. Sigh.
*Saturday through Monday, I watched The Best Little Girl in the World, For the Love of Nancy, Sharing the Secret, Thin, Super Slim Me, Caraline's Story and The Truth About Online Anorexia, plus a few episodes of Dr Phil. Thank you to everyone who left suggestions on my last post, especially Miss Angharad who was amazing and sent me a dozen links on Facebook, which I'm slowly working my way through.