Wednesday, 26 March 2014

Eternal Twilight

I've been in my own little world this week.
I'm in hibernation mode, and I've felt completely isolated from the world.

It started on Saturday. Home alone, I set myself up in the lounge with my laptop, notebooks, journal, my cigarettes, a few extra lorazepam and a big glass of ice-cold Coke Zero. I drew the curtains and closed the door, turned the radio off and the heating up high. I curled up on the couch with my duvet and my teddy friends, and zoned out to some ED movies and docos (list below). I'd forgotten what a good distraction they can be.

I felt like I was in my own little world, shut off from everything. I didn't have to move, I had everything I needed in one place. I only left the lounge to make coffee or go to the bathroom, and then I was back in my little hideaway. I could stay on the couch to smoke my cigarettes, which I usually can't. I didn't pay a care to the time on the clock or having to eat at exactly 8, 12, 3, 6 o'clock - time didn't matter, didn't exist, and it was a wonderful freedom. An eternal twilight. 

By the time 6pm got here, I looked at my food diary and realized I hadn't eaten since breakfast (a small slice of Vegemite toast and some strawberry yoghurt - 73 calories), so I heated up quarter of a can of tomato soup with a splash of skim milk and some basil and black pepper. I've only had canned soup maybe 3 or 4 times in my entire life, but I still have none homemade in the freezer. It actually wasn't too bad, but I couldn't stop thinking "Do I really need this? I'm not hungry, why am I eating this? I don't deserve to be eating this". After 100ml, I poured the rest down the sink, finishing the day on a total of 145 calories. And it felt good. 

I haven't been able to feel comfortable in the house for years due to trauma issues. I practically live in my armchair on the back porch so I can chain smoke, and sleep on the couch - my bedroom is really the cat's room. I don't spend time inside unless I have to do something, like sewing or cooking, and I don't feel like I really 'belong' anywhere. But this weekend, I felt comfortable to hibernate in the lounge, and I didn't feel like I had to keep busy, I didn't beat myself up for doing nothing like I have been lately.

I don't know what it was exactly. I think it was a combination of it all - the isolation, warmth, darkness, the way time seemed to stop, the quiet, the constant movies to distract me, being able to stay in one place, not having to eat proper meals at proper times. It sounds so simple, but it's like I've stumbled upon something I haven't had for years. The lower intakes probably played a hand as well as the extra lorazepam - I simply felt too tired to get off the couch, and for once I didn't have to. 

So I've kept hibernating into the week. After breakfast, I set myself up in the lounge with everything I need, and stay there until it's time to start planning dinner. Mum's being a godsend and is allowing me to keep smoking cigarettes in the lounge, though only between breakfast and dinner. She's asked that I at least keep eating breakfast and dinner with her, but she's agreed to not push me to eat during the day. 

I did get out yesterday to see the dietician, who was lovely as always. She has a day off coming up soon, but she's coming in to see me first thing anyway. She said it'd be strange to start a Tuesday without seeing me. In June, I'll have seen her every week for two years. I'm amazed she's put up with me for so long, but I don't think I'd still be here without her support. Tomorrow I'm off to see my GP, for the last time before I have to start seeing The Mental Health Nurse. Sigh. 

*Saturday through Monday, I watched The Best Little Girl in the WorldFor the Love of NancySharing the SecretThinSuper Slim MeCaraline's Story and The Truth About Online Anorexia, plus a few episodes of Dr Phil. Thank you to everyone who left suggestions on my last post, especially Miss Angharad who was amazing and sent me a dozen links on Facebook, which I'm slowly working my way through. 



  1. just just before i read this i'm going to send you this:
    because it's perfect.

    "I curled up on the couch with my duvet and my teddy friends" this makes me grin so much i don't know why.
    ah. the "i'm not hungry why am i eating this?" debate. that's going to end up hurting us severely one of these days. i've not felt that in a while. it's more like "all i want is sugar. why try anything else?" the thought of 145 calories is just....that's horrendous. honey, i hope you're okay. i only went under 200 calories for a short period of time and it really effected me. it honestly frightens me when someone eats under like 400 calories. not that 500 or 600 calories are any better but it "sounds" more substantial.
    i'm wishing you luck with the nurse. and just life in general.
    you make me happy, Bells. and i liked this post. usually, your posts leave me feeling a bit sad because all i want to do is curl up with you and hug you in a blanket. but this one really made me smile. distractions are the best. distractions from food, distractions from feelings. i think that's a big thing for why i like mono dieting so much. because you don't have to think about the calories, or weigh things and when i'm in a certain mood in the depression, i really can't be fucked with food, and eating healthy and whatnot. it's the best thing for when i'm feeling that way so i totally understand the whole "i feel like i've stumbled on something new." feeling. it helps calm me down a lot.

    -Sam Lupin

  2. now as to reply to the comment you left on my blog,
    seriously, Bella, i'm smiling. anyway, speaking of 'real' gains, i wonder where my 'real' weight loss went. >_> why is it that when you lose loads of weight your body decides "you know what i am not a vehicle for losing weight anymore". i've been bouncing up and down 60-63 kilos for such a long time it's sad.
    "Pfft, denim's banned?! How is that even an issue? I used to get on my elliptical in stockings, skirts, pretty dresses and cardigans (bonus being that I do not seem able to sweat unless it's 40°c outside) :P" i'm laughing. speaking of sweating, i'm doing a lot of that. i finally have a metabolism. my AC is open now as i type. this is the first time it's happened.
    my driver's a sweetie. we have maids and drivers here. some girls (really rich ones) have like 10 nannies, chefs and whatever. i know girls that travel to other countries during the weekend. xD
    ("i'm still alive at the end of the day and i didn't cry or have a complete mental breakdown" Important.) yesss. i don't have a mental breakdown usually when my depression manifests itself in a physical manner (i.e. flu-like symptoms and an excessive need for sugar. ^_^ it's grand).
    i had to list the good things. plus, i was really happy about giving my Mother the flower. :] which is why it was number one.

    -Sam Lupin

  3. Not going to lie, I'm concerned. Isolation is a great precursor to destruction more often than not. I've given you the talk more often than not so I'll just say that I hope someday you can begin to work on healing from your trauma. Living to the fullest is the best revenge. I love you.

  4. I understand how hibernating is really awesome and fun and wrapping up in blankets and teddy friends (I agree with Sam, that was adorable) and movies can feel safe and secure. In a world with so much shit, it's great to feel secure. Personally for me though, being stuck in the house for four days was enough to send me over the edge. I'm like a puppy, I can't be left alone for long periods of time. Maybe that security though was the thing you felt like you've been missing? What are other ways we can feel secure? Totally not a therapeutic question, I'm honestly wondering how people find that...I love you dear. You deserve more than 175 calories of nasty canned soup (I don't blame you for not eating it, canned soup is really gross and bad for you). You deserve to fuel your body with nourishment and energy so you are able to get out of the house, go hiking, go to that fancy cheese place you talk about. YOU DO DESERVE IT. No one has come into your life and said "Bella, you don't deserve to be happy and have energy" and if someone has, FUCK THEM. You deserve to be nourished, you deserve to do all the things you want to do in life. What you don't deserve is to waste life. I love you dear, I hope you take care.

  5. I love hibernating with coffee, smokes and ED documentaries. I feel like doing that right now but unfortunately I have one hour before I need to go to work because I slept in very late.
    Maybe next time you can have a slightly higher intake? Or even concentrate on the quality- have homemade soup, not canned?
    That Super Slim Me is one of my favourites; I remember watching it when it aired originally. Another is The Race to Size 00 but I am sceptical about the weights and sizes at the end. If you watch it, hopefully you'll see what I mean! Here's the link
    Another favourite is Living With Size 0: If you watch this one; it's around a bulimic girl, a jerk and his skinny girlfriend and a very tall, very thin girl looking to be a model.

    Look after yourself lovely <3 xxx

  6. While hibernation may be a soothing balm, it still lets your wounds fester. I wish there were a way I could help you branch out. Perhaps you could try nurturing a small garden? That way, once a day you could go out and water, pick off dead weeks, remove small weeds - it's a great way to increase your comfort with being outside, but still doesn't force you to be around others. I love you, sweetheart