Monday, 27 May 2013

The Fog

For the past week, I've been completely stuck for words. 

I don't know what to do with myself, and I don't know what's missing in my day.

Mum thinks I've hit an episode of depression. Maybe she's right. 

On Sunday I was home alone. I spent the entire day sat in my armchair, staring into space, barely moving. Same as any other day, but alone. I simply don't know what to do with myself, and I don't know why not. It's been a problem for a couple of months now, where I can't seem to even do basic things like read a book, play an arcade game, or watch a movie. I didn't eat until 7PM when mum came home, despite having woken up at 1AM. I just couldn't be bothered. 

The day was especially quiet, still and empty. It's the least alive I've felt in a long time, and it hurt. I kept bursting into tears; at everything and nothing. It proved there's an element of distraction, however small, that comes from the mere presence of others in the house. When left alone with my mind, I crumble. 

I'm sick of being sick. This chest infection, I mean. I've been on antibiotics for 7 weeks now, and it's getting ridiculous. I'm seeing the GP on Thursday, and I'm sure she'll just give me another script. I ran out of painkillers over the weekend, which is just fantastic. My night-sweats mean I'm not sleeping more than 6 hours max, and I have to move from bed to armchair and change my clothes halfway through. I feel completely run down, and I don't have the energy to do anything. 

I got a letter today from my health insurance, offering me a Home Support Service, free of charge. Basically they'd provide me with a nurse to visit occasionally, who'd keep doctors filled in, a 24/7 nurse on call service; things like that. Mum thinks it could be a good idea, if I can overcome my fear of having people in the house (huge 'if'), so that may be happening in the next few weeks. 

Sorry for such a short, disjointed post. It's just been one of those weeks. 



  1. Sounds like a rough week starshine :-( I am right there with you with the bursting out in tears. It had gone for a while and I didn't cry but its resurfaced hard and strong and it isn't going away. Your mum sounds right, and I guess after mania comes the fall, and you've been through a lot, your body is exhausted as is your mind, it makes sense, I just wish I could make it better for you. And I really want your stupid infection to go away. What is your white count like atm?

    Love xxx

  2. There must be something in the air...Depression has also hit me hard this week. I could feel it coming on too, over the last fortnight, but just let it happen. Eurgh.

    I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through such a dark time. I can relate to how empty and alone and scared and miserable you must be feeling. I can especially relate to 'When left alone with my mind, I crumble.' It's terrifying.

    As terrifying as it may be, I think it might be a good idea to take up the Home Support Service. They could really help you, and it sounds like you need support. At least they would stop you from constantly being left alone with your mind. How come you have such a fear of having people in the house? I do too, so can understand how you feel.

    Take lots of care of you Bella. I hate reading that you're struggling so much being so unwell :( Much love and huggles xxx

  3. Depression is exactly like a black fog
    It descends like thick smoke and permeates in to every part of out lives
    I know that feeling of just sitting staring in to space
    Everything is an effort and everything is too much

    I would definitely avail of the Home Support Service
    Take any help that you can
    Or maybe give it a trial period and see if it helps

    I hate to read the you are feeling so down
    I wish I could do more than just type a few words
    You are a tough cookie though Bella
    You've been through more than most and have lives to tell the tale
    You will get through this even though it might not feel like it now
    Try to keep your intake up
    And keep comfortable and warm

    Thinking of you today

    Love you to bots and pieces x

  4. Depression is very hard to deal with. I can honestly relate. If you ever need a friend, I am here. Please know that you are never alone!


  5. It's okay, I get like that a lot where I just don't want to be in the house by myself, but recently, idk, I just get snappy at everything. Another argument with my mom this morning, it's always something. I always do something to be a bitch. Love you dear. I'd text you or something if we lived in the same country, to give you someone to talk to but oh well. Maybe challenge yourself to a book? I'm trying to read Les Miserables this summer, I'm only on page 6. Take care hon.

  6. I feel that way anymore as well. I don't know what to do with myself if I'm not at the gym or work and Tony and I have been arguing about my ED and his using and we're struggling so I'm upset a lot or I'm blank and not feeling anything. It's a terrible medium. Do what you can dear. I love you. I'm right there with you.

  7. I know exactly how you feel, I am the same. It is a struggle to concentrate on anything at all. The home nurse visits may be a good idea, though, and just think that they would save you from having to leave the house quite as much ;)
    Also, regarding your illness, I was thinking the other night that you should perhaps consult an immunologist. It's fairly unusual to be as sick as you are for as long as you have been, and there might be some underlying cause worth exploring. Maybe you could ask your GP what she thinks?
    Stay strong, hun!

  8. I hope you feel better soon..our feelings, emotions, ability to think/act/behave normally are all affected by our nutrition. Usually it plays a smaller role but for those who are extra malnourished (not even just skinny, the other side of the spectrum as well) feel the effects even more. I know it's not as simple as saying, well eat more and you'll feel better...I've lived over a decade like this knowing it and not doing it. But it will only get worse. I often feel the same way, and I know if I was fueling my body better and more consistently, I'd feel better in the long run. But the short term feelings of discomfort and self loathing that prevent me from doing anything about it. Long term is more important and maybe considering your current emotional state will push you to up your intake.

    I hope I don''t sound lecture-ish or anything, I truly understand that it's easier to know this stuff than to act on it. But sometimes hearing it can spark a fire of wanting to get better. Regardless of your ed status, I do hope you feel better soon and can find something you enjoy, something that will make you smile, that is worth doing. You deserve happiness!

  9. Aw Bella =/ You're really scaring me... I hope you can overcome that fear and get some medical attention... and that you start feeling better soon =/

    I don't know what to say... I have no idea what you're going through (I mean, besides what you post on your blog, but I have no idea how it actually feels to be in that position), so I don't know how to comfort you.. Just please know that I and all your readers I'm sure are wishing you the best and hoping for your safety and happiness and health, whatever that may mean. <3

  10. Been so long since I've commented. Hope you're ok dear Bella :( the fight just feels endless doesn't it? I know what you mean about the fog. I feel like I've been floating for months. It all feels so easy, but I know it's sucking the life out of me. But what to do? Keep fighting dear xx