For the past week, I've been completely stuck for words.
I don't know what to do with myself, and I don't know what's missing in my day.
Mum thinks I've hit an episode of depression. Maybe she's right.
On Sunday I was home alone. I spent the entire day sat in my armchair, staring into space, barely moving. Same as any other day, but alone. I simply don't know what to do with myself, and I don't know why not. It's been a problem for a couple of months now, where I can't seem to even do basic things like read a book, play an arcade game, or watch a movie. I didn't eat until 7PM when mum came home, despite having woken up at 1AM. I just couldn't be bothered.
The day was especially quiet, still and empty. It's the least alive I've felt in a long time, and it hurt. I kept bursting into tears; at everything and nothing. It proved there's an element of distraction, however small, that comes from the mere presence of others in the house. When left alone with my mind, I crumble.
I'm sick of being sick. This chest infection, I mean. I've been on antibiotics for 7 weeks now, and it's getting ridiculous. I'm seeing the GP on Thursday, and I'm sure she'll just give me another script. I ran out of painkillers over the weekend, which is just fantastic. My night-sweats mean I'm not sleeping more than 6 hours max, and I have to move from bed to armchair and change my clothes halfway through. I feel completely run down, and I don't have the energy to do anything.
I got a letter today from my health insurance, offering me a Home Support Service, free of charge. Basically they'd provide me with a nurse to visit occasionally, who'd keep doctors filled in, a 24/7 nurse on call service; things like that. Mum thinks it could be a good idea, if I can overcome my fear of having people in the house (huge 'if'), so that may be happening in the next few weeks.
Sorry for such a short, disjointed post. It's just been one of those weeks.