Saturday, 20 April 2013

Endless days

I saw the lovely GP again on Thursday, briefly, before I left in a flurry of tears.
She listened to my chest, and I still have a bad wheeze and cough. Honestly, I don't think it'll go away quickly; I've had it for a long time from heavy smoking. She doubled the dose for my inhalers, but is still hoping the antibiotics I'm on will work.

My blood test was much the same as last time, though my iron levels have dropped quite a bit. It looks like stopping taking supplements is finally catching up. She's asked me to start taking them again, but I'm hesitating. I struggle to take supplements, and do good things for my health, especially if I'm in a bad mindset. I feel it's hard to explain, but supplements and multi-vitamins and such have always been a tough one for me.

She also doubled my paroxetine (my secondary anti-depressant) once mum and I explained that my anxiety wasn't any better. She was under the impression it was, but I don't know why. I felt like it was impossible to explain that my anxiety is a severe issue. It frustrated me to no end, struggling to explain something that's effected me my whole life. I ended up having a panic attack and walking out, crying in the car.

I'm going back next week for either more antibiotics, or a flu shot if I'm feeling better. After that, I have fortnightly appointments for the next couple of months.

I'm still feeling as sick as I was last week. The past couple of weeks have been totally exhausting; physically, and emotionally. I've been in bed by 6-7pm lately. A combination of physical and mental pain means I just can't bear to stay up any longer, regardless of the fact I'm now lucky to sleep until 3am. Mum's sure I'll be getting more antibiotics on Monday. I've also been getting night sweats like mad, and having to change three times a night, which I've never experienced before.

My intake's been around 7-900 so far this week. Food is stressing me out beyond words right now. I don't want to have to think about what I'm going to eat. Lunch was my new regular, an apple and a muesli bar, and I have soup in the fridge to reheat for dinner. Routine is about the only thing I can deal with right now.

I'm waiting for the day to be over, from the moment I wake up.



  1. Routine. It's funny you mentioned it because most of my stress comes from having to figure out what I'm going to eat. So today while at the store I decided I'm going to eat the same thing everyday. I swear as soon as the idea came to me I felt like a 10 pound weight was lifted off my chest.

  2. I really need routine to keep on track too... I hope you feel happier soon, I know how stressful everything can be, but we're all here for you<3 xxx

  3. I completely understand the multivitamin thing too. I can't take them, my calcium isn't good and I was given supplements but I can't take them, but that would be positive and I can only seem to allow negative coping strategies so I totally understand.

    You mean so much to me bella, i really hope you can find something that makes the days not feel so endless xxx

  4. Routine is helpful in the context of school for me. I have to know what's coming to make it fit all together. Summer is coming so I need to construct routine. Food feels overwhelming and I still eat so no routine helps me there, only exercise. Love you girl.

  5. Hey darling, you don't sound good at all, I'm so sorry. I hope things look better soon... I know what you mean about the vitamins too, I only take them with food which doesn't happen when I'm not eating and I can't take them with a binge because it will be a waste and the other times I forget because my meal times are so erratic! They do help though, even you don't take them every day.
    Please try to take care of yourself sweetie <3
    Alice xx

  6. I hate to hear you going through much bad stuff :( I hope it all gets so much better for you real soon.

    I'm exactly the same about taking meds...anything that's good for me/my body, I just can't seem to do. The only times I've actually taken them properly is when I've been in hospital and didn't really have a choice.

    Keep up the routine, and things will get easier, I promise. The more you do something, the easier it becomes over time - been there, done that, got the t-shirt!

    Sending you lots of love to feel better soon! Take lots of care XX

  7. Still not feeling any better? That's awful, I really want you start feeling better soon! Hurry up and get well!! I hope the docs are able to get your meds worked out for you anxiety- I don't really understand much about anxiety other than people usually have to deal with it they're whole life and there's no magic get well pill, though there are pills than can help, you just have to find the right kind I suppose.

    There have been times when I've went to bed at 6-7pm- my friends have jokingly called me an old lady for it. But hey, your body knows when it needs more rest to get well! I love routine as well. Just knowing what to expect and having everything planned in a neat little schedule- there's something comforting about routine to me. When someone messes up my routine and plans, it irritates me!

  8. Stay strong, hun. It seems like many of us are going through a rough patch, these days, but we're all here for you. I really hope you'll consider trying to take the supplements; just think of how good they'll be for your hair ;) In all seriousness, though, try starting slow, just once a week, and working yourself up from there. I know that you can do it.
    Love xx