Wednesday, 17 April 2013

Running from Reality

At the moment I'm having a hard time coping with things. Nothing serious; just life, reality, the world as a whole. Part of me is frustrated by my non-life state, but a bigger part of me is scared to engage in the world. I haven't even been to the supermarket in about a month.

I saw the dietician yesterday. Every appointment starts with the calorie chat. Three days have been around 700, and the other three days in the range of 900-1,000. My Tuesday treat day (when I bake something, have a family dinner, and maybe drink wine) last week came to 1,300 calories, after a distinct lack of alcohol graced my intake book. The dietician wants me to aim for a minimum of 900 calories, each and every day, which I have to admit makes me anxious. I haven't worked to a minimum calorie intake for months, and it brings me closer to having to raise my portion sizes.

My weight dropped a little bit this week, though nothing drastic. As always, I was surprised, and relieved, that I hadn't gained.

I've been kinda down recently. My anxiety is sky-high, and I'm constantly bursting into tears. The past few months, I've been crying to mum that I have nothing in my days. It's true, she agrees, and it hurts. She says I'm too sick to have anything in my days. But it's hard to want to improve things when there seems nothing to fight for. I don't watch TV, I don't leave the house, I don't contact friends outside of Blogger. I live in a bubble of mental illness. I do nothing, except sometimes help cook dinner when I have the energy. I stare at the wall and wait for the days to pass, and it kills me. No distractions seem to work, no hobbies seem to stick. But at the same time, I'm utterly clueless as to what to do with myself. I feel overwhelmed, though there's nothing to be overwhelmed about. I'm going to every extent to not have to deal with anything. I'm turning 20 in two weeks, but I feel like my life is at such a standstill, I'm not ready to get older.

This afternoon, I finally had my blood test. Thankfully it was quiet, and I was the only one there. I'm seeing the lovely GP again tomorrow morning, and mum seems to have prioritized some concerns that she wants me to raise. At the moment, I just want to hide under a pile of blankets and never go out again.

Soup for dinner, as I had sourdough toast with vintage cheese for lunch. Too much. Far too much.
No fruit today, which makes me uncomfortable, so best have lots of veggies with dinner. And I want to stay under 900. And I'm just too tired to bother preparing anything.
Soup for dinner.



  1. Awww bella this breaks my heart, I wish I could come and entertain you so you weren't blankly staring at walls. I totally understand the frustration of having empty days, but I don't know how on earth I would cope if I didn't walk, I cannot imagine just sitting in my room or downstairs for days on end lovely, is there no way you could convince yourself to start something small, like get an art book and fill it with doodles or art therapy self done sort of things? When I had 3 months off it filled up my time a lot, although I understand how hard it can be to motivate yourself, I rarely do any art. Clare told me to buy a colouring book, that way I can distract and colour without judging what i'm drawing. (is it bad that I considered buying a Barbie colouring book just to deface it and give them all EDs?!!)

    if there is ANYTHING I can do to help, please let me know, you mean so much to me little bella xxxxx

  2. I feel like I get this feeling frequently anymore and I think it's because I'm about to graduate from college in a matter of months. I can have regular anxiety because that's healthy. I have prepping to do to go onto the next phase of life, but at the same time I want to stay in this place in time where I understand how to function and I can put my emotions on hold and file it under "school stress" or "oh, you know, college worries/stress." The reality is that I have no reason to truly feel a sense of dread or to not embrace and attack life with a passion and hunger. I don't know why I can't seem to go all in and just let go of the fear. I hate it. You're not alone girl.

    Listen, don't think of the food as scary if you can. What I've been doing lately is taking bites throughout the day when I start to get low blood sugar and tired or every few hours. My intake is still like 6-800 with exercise, but I think of it as throwing a stick onto the fire instead of a log. (Bites instead of true meals working on lowering my anxiety and panic) I think of it purely as fuel. I've been trying to not let it have power over me (easier said than done) and that helps me make better food choices and be a little calmer. I don't know if maybe that would help? Sort of look at it like YOU are the one in charge. Not it. I wish I could come to dinner with you and we could do all kinds of talking and laughing and get your mind off it! Just do your best okay? Meals are bonding moments, not ED-dictator-speech-in-your mind moments.

    Suggestion, magnesium supplements really are supposed to help with anxiety. Maybe look into that? Also, can you try guided imagery?
    That's a little overview of what it is, but my mom uses it and it helps her sometimes. When I get anxious I go over a list of truths in my mind, the things I know to be constants. This is stuff like God loves me infinitely and I'm not too ugly for His love and the good things I deserve if I would let myself, I have a great relationship with my mom, my dad is another rock though not always utilized, my passion is helping people and I will do this, etc. Things that are obvious but reminders. I also count my blessings, even the small things that make my day better, like I have a phone so that I can contact friends/family/Tony when I need, I have a car to get home and it just makes life easier, I'm getting an education. Little truths to ground me.

    For hobbies, hm. I find myself being the one that constantly is spontaneous, never sticking fully with anything but always up for anything. Music and working out and reading are all favorite things of mine. Cooking. Maybe you could try doing unexpected things, like the kinds of hobbies you don't think fit you but maybe by some happy accident really do? I usually don't care as long as I'm busy and filling the void, I guess.

    Your piercing makes my lip hurt girl! I love all yours though. Piercings and tattoos are so reflective of our personalities and that is just really neat, I think. Don't forget that you are a beautiful girl, inside and out. You have an absolutely fantastic heart that has enough love for the girls of the world that come here when they feel like they have no one. Don't forget that I love you and am thinking of you. The fixer in me wants to give you a big hug and keep your time occupied. <3

  3. My heart goes out to you :(
    My days are filled with nothing too, and I hate it, but my anxiety is too high to allow me to do anything that involves leaving the house. It's a vicious catch 22 circle.

    Do you prefer smaller, calorie dense portions, or bigger, low calorie portions? Calorie dense food might be a good way to increase your calories without having to eat loads and loads?

    Good luck with seeing your lovely GP tomorrow. I hope it all goes well and hope you manage to get some of your health problems sorted.

    Enjoy your soup! Much love xxx

  4. Can I fly to Australia and give you a hug? Dude...we're like, only a few weeks apart on our birthdays. Maybe I could send you a birthday present if you'd like? Mine is May 29th, I'll be 20 as well. And Angharad has a good point, really think if it's the calorie amount or the portions that give you more anxiety. I know for me I think it's more calories. But you can cook a lot of things that are high portion, low calorie, or high calorie low portion. You have to trick yourself. But something my shrink pointed out to me, is that all the treatment plans and meal plans and goals are pointless unless you understand the mentality of it. Like...what good is eating more and gaining unless you understand why you have to gain. And not just understanding it as "Because I have to live and function" but understand it personally. What will you gain from not losing? Will you gain the energy and inspiration to go out in the world and find something to fill your days? You have to find your anchor, find that hope. It may take a while to do it, but you kind of have to hope for hope, if that makes sense.
    Well, to close, I sort of don't blame you for not wanting to go out in the world right now. The world is a fucking scary place right now. But is living in your own head scarier?
    Love you hon, please take care.

  5. Unfortunately I can relate to this a lot Bella
    My days are filled with little more than walking my dogs and blogging
    My world has shrunk to just me and my illness
    Time stands still and yet it goes by so fast
    Do you ever find that?
    You know sometimes things get worse before they get better
    Do you ever think about recovery?
    I know you had lots of interests before you got sick
    And Bella you are still so young
    I hate to think of this things stealing the best years of your life
    I suppose I say this because I know that I blinked and 10 years had gone by
    I don't want that for you
    You are too precious

    Sending you all my love x

  6. Sounds like you had a pretty good week last week =) Well.... not from the blog posts maybe... but from this post...

    I hope you're okay.
    Or that you'll be okay.
    I know you'll be okay <3 You're far too strong to give in to this.
    You're gorgeous by the way. <3

  7. You do knitting, since you post pictures on this blog. That's at least one thing :)
    It's sooo hard to break the habit of doing nothing. Sitting around is so easy and it kind of numbs the feelings and the need for other people. If you have someone to make you go on an outing, maybe once a week or something, it could help. Going to the mall with your mom and shopping for clothing or going to the movie theater with a friend or something... just having someone else make you do something could be really helpful. It might help you take your mind off raising your intake too.

  8. I know how you're feeling, hun. Just keep your head above water, take it one day, one hour, one minute at a time. I know how hard it is to feel like you're just getting by while everything else is moving and changing. Don't stop trying. Keep trying to find hobbies, keep doing things that you love, like cooking and stitching and gaming. Just keep going.
    Also, let us know how your blood tests are and how your doctor's appointment goes.
    Love xx

  9. Losing a bit of weight every week is always a surprise and also a pleasant relief, especially when you feel like you've gained. You said you feel like your life is at a standstill and there's nothing in your days to work for- hmm, you have hobbies? I now you do needle work, but do you have any other hobbies that you could learn? Perhaps you can make and sale some things and open up your own Esty shop or something!

    Do you go to school? (I haven't browsed through you archive yet so I didn't know). Maybe college/uni could be an option? Part-time/full-time jobs are a blessing as well- ever since I graduated college this past December I was unsure where to go next. If I wasn't working and staying busy every day, I would possibly feel like I had no idea what to do with anything!

    I hope you get to feeling better and that you can find something in your days to keep you busy, to work for, and to look forward too. I agree about Blogger being a place of friends though- I'm so glad I found it (and I regret deleting my old blog). You can meet wonderful folks online and make friends-sometimes I feel closer to people online than I do in real life!

  10. Oooh, love the lip piercing! Would you call that a horizontal labret?
    I've been contemplating a new tattoo lately, something that looks simple, but is meaningful and profound, if you know what it signifies.
    ... then I remember, I don't have anything meaningful OR profound in my life. So what better symbol for what's going on in my life right now, than a big ol' blank space? :P