The past days have been filled with a quiet sense of celebration, with brief periods of concern for my self.
I was honestly surprised the other day when my dietician told me how much I'd lost. I was expecting less, as always. She keeps saying that I "need to reverse the downward trend", but at the moment I just can't bear the thought of gaining weight. I've been floating between wanting to lose more and wanting to maintain, and actually knowing what my weight is helps in my choice. I mean, a 3kg loss seems like a lot to me. It's the most I've lost in the past year, and I know I really can't afford to lose much more at this point, so maybe it's time to give my body a break.
Lately, my dietician keeps reminding me that I can come in to see her on Thursdays, no charge, any time I need. She really is a sweetheart. The plan is basically to see how I go with my intake this week, and work from there. I'm sticking with my motto of "one meal at a time". Yesterday was 800 calories, due to the lingering presence of fresh banana-bran bread, and the irresistible temptation of homemade bolognese.
I'm still stuck in my ways with apples for lunch though, and my toast-and-yoghurt 100-calorie breakfast combo. Higher calorie foods later in the day are, and have been, more incidental than anything. I still have soup and safe foods on hand, but some nights I'll join with a small serve of a family dinner (meaning I cook it and weigh everything, so I have an accurate nutritional count for my serve), or things like cheese and crackers. Tonight's dinner for mum and I happens to be frozen homemade soup. Too easy.
I did my measurements this morning. It's the first time I've done them properly since October. I've lost a few inches - one from my waist, one from my bust, little bits from my limbs. As a fun comparison, let's take a look at my pre-ED measurements. When I used to sew for myself a lot, my bust/waist/hips were: 38-32-36. That's a lot of inches, except for my cursed hips.
Neck 11.5"
Bust 26.5" (-1")
Waist 20.5" (-1")
Hips 30.5"
Thigh (top) 15" (-0.5")
Thigh (bottom) 11" (-0.5")
Calf (top) 10.5"
Calf (ankle) 7.5"
Upper arm (top) 9"
Upper arm (bottom) 7.5" (-0.5")
Forearm (top) 8"
Forearm (wrist) 5"
xxBella
I know it's a struggle but your body desperately wants just a little more dear. Be as kind as you can though I know it's hard. Hips aren't a bad thing either. They're what makes us women. Feminine. :)
ReplyDeleteDon't forget that I love you and am giving you an enormous hug!
Look at your iddy biddy teeny weeny waist!! And you've lost a lot on your hips as well sunshine. Hope you're feeling a little calmer.
ReplyDeleteHelen hasn't really had a chance to talk about ED stuff yet so I'm not sure if she understands more than Clare. I know Helen seems to think I'm making an effort in a bizarre way to distract myself, like that's how I ended up in Sheffield afterall, whereas Clare seems to think I'm not putting in any effort at all and want to be like I am. I don't know, it's getting really awkward, I'm really afraid she's going to get more frustrated at me and I can't really take it, I hate it when I can feel someone is annoyed or not pleased with me. Helen hasn't known me for long so I think she's giving me the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she's wrong to, idk. She definitely picks up on the gaps in my speech tho and I'm slightly worried she'll put me on the crisis team again. Hate them!!
Really hope you manage to cope with the next few days and that life becomes a little less overwhelming xxxx
Wow, the amount of measurements you've lost is astounding! (Your pre-ED measurements are about the same as my current measurements.) That's wonderful that your dietician is a sweetheart and you two seem to get along well- she seems understanding and genuinely wants to help. You sew too? I think that's awesome! I've got a sewing machine collecting dust right now but I've been meaning to learn how to sew and make my own things (sometimes clothes from the store just don't fit right!)
ReplyDeleteYou mentioned earlier that you loved running- I don't remember if I've asked you or not, but have you always been good at running or did you have to work up to that point? I ask because I would like to become a runner, but I currently suck at it. I run 1.5 miles and I'm miserable! Does it get better the more you do it?
Hi hon, your comment about running? Yes it does get better, but you have to push through those walls. I trained for a 5k back in October, and I'm working on a 10k in July, and you just have to go at it and try not to think. If you run outside, try to walk for 1 minute, run for 2 minutes, walk for 1, etc. If you go to a gym, there are lots of programs on treadmills and ellipticals to help you gain a pace. I'm by no means a "runner" but it's what works for me.
DeletePlease stay safe Bella
ReplyDeleteI know all too well how addictive losing is
For me it's such a compulsion
It terrifies and thrills me at the same time
I really hope that you don't lose any more
It's only now 10 years later that I am seeing the damage my ED has done to my body
I really don't want that for you
You are too precious
Love you x
I guess here's the question, considering the in-between ness. Obviously you don't mind losing weight, sure you want to to lose it. Sure it's a matter of control and unattainable ideals like it is with the rest of us. But ask yourself, if it was a year from now, or even six months from now, would you still disparately be wanting to do this? I think your body is losing so much even though you are eating and not trying to lose 3 kilos, is because it's probably not getting enough nutrients. I'm not sure, some people have dramatic short weight loss for a number of reasons, but I definitely think you're right in that you should give your body a break. Those measurements...my waist is the size of your bust. Random, but I know one thing I was terrified about was losing my boobs, thank god that never happened. But, really, try to add some thing to your diet. Try having peanut butter with your apple, or add some granola to yogurt in the morning? Or add a snack of some nuts in there? I want to see you still here lovely. Take care <3
ReplyDeleteWow that's a lot of inches lost =/ Kinda scary.
ReplyDeleteI really like your one meal a time motto. I've been trying to apply that to other stuff in my life actually XD I hope you don't mind my stealing your phrase. >_< It just makes it easier to deal with my parents and going to class and stuff.
Doesn't that suck when something that isn't really good makes you so happy inside? And you shouldn't celebrate it but you can't help it?
ReplyDeleteGaining is always scary, try to think of maintaining as having nothing to lose. You're just pausing for a while :)
stay safe xo
I accidentally happened upon a comment you made at Juni's blog, and decided to drop by and say "hi".
ReplyDeleteI think ED is something many of us have been through but few of us feel comfortable enough to discuss about it. I was able to find myself when I threw out the mirror and the scale out of my room, house and life.
Have you considered to talk to an ED specialist, a social worker or your gp? I think your dietician is a very caring person and you're lucky to have her in your life.
Oh lovely, please take care of yourself. I understand how addictive losing weight can be, and once you start it's very, very difficult to stop. Your dietician seems like such a genuine person, and I'm really happy that she has been so lovely and caring to you. I know how the thought of gaining or even just maintaining weight is scary, and it's a tough road but I believe you can get through this. Recovery is probably the hardest part of having an illness, and it's really not all sunshine and rainbows. I'm thinking of you hun and I hope things get easier soon, love you xx
ReplyDeleteI agree with Ruby, my darling... you're too precious to keep losing, you're already beautiful, you really are, please believe me, believe all of us, Bella.. if you maybe just gained a tiny little bit of weight (in my eyes, even if you were around 50 kg, you'd still be truly beautiful, yet much healthier than right now), and then maintained, I'd be less worried about you.. I really really really care, sweetheart.. we all do.
ReplyDeleteSending you much love, baby-girl.
Lu.
What a wonderful dietician. Seems really hard now a days to find physicians that give a damn about their patients. I hope you let her help you reverse this downward trend. The world would be a much darker place if we lost a bright-burning star like you.
ReplyDeleteHi again hon. Hmm, seems to be we both kind of kick each others asses in the right direction, calling out little mistakes and things. Yeah, I should be eating more, and even when it seems like I'm eating a lot, I'm probably not getting as much as I need. And I re-read my previous comment and it does sound a bit harsh, but still, idk, I think it's good to have that more aggressive force motivating one another. I hope you're doing well this weekend and I'm glad you like my piercing :)
ReplyDeleteYour dietician sounds incredible. I would totally take advantage of the free advice, especially from someone who seems so helpful.
ReplyDelete