Thursday, 25 April 2013

Singin' the Birthday Blues

My birthday is now less than a week away. Twenty years old on the 30th. As I mentioned before, I don't feel like I'm actually aging up, and it stresses me out a little. I don't usually do anything for my birthday, but mum and I had been planning on doing a short overnight trip down the coast, to the same place we went a few months back. At the moment, it's not looking like I'll be well enough to go. This chest infection really has its hooks in me. We'll go another weekend though, as we desperately need more cheese (did I mention we bought 4-5kg of vintage cheddar last time?...). But for my actual birthday, it's looking to be quiet as per usual.

I know a lot of people say you feel stuck at the age your ED developed. But for me, I think it's more linked to trauma, long before my Anorexia. Either way, it sucks, and it makes me dread birthdays. Part of me is glad to not be going away, to not be making a fuss about it. Though I can't say I'm glad to be spending it feeling sick, constantly falling into coughing fits and my blood pressure teetering on edge, surrounded by the same stresses as usual. Bleh.

I saw the dietician on Tuesday. My calorie intake had been fairly regular all week. I varied between 700-950 calories, except for my Friday dip to 450. In reality, my intake has been the same for a month. The dietician isn't pushing too hard for me to eat more right now because of how sick I've been. Between all forms of exhaustion, I've either been having what's convenient and safe, or joining in family meals. My weight stayed exactly the same this week, and I found myself frustrated. When I maintain my weight on a relatively low intake, it makes me cautious to eat even more. I always lose faith that my metabolism will catch up, though I know it does.

The dietician said that, even though our bodies use more energy while we're sick, starvation mode is basically exacerbated by short-term illness, because our bodies are also trying to conserve energy even harder. I'd also slugged down 750ml water over the course of the morning before being weighed, which I wouldn't normally have had, so who knows how much of that I was still holding. My cough was horrible so I didn't think twice, and accepted there could be consequences.

For now, I have a week with no appointments, hopefully. Mum is constantly wanting me to see the GP, but the clinic is super busy and booked out this week, and I only saw her Monday. I'm still searching everywhere for distractions to fill my days. I have to find one, eventually.



  1. I definitely hope you feel better by your birthday- a trip to the coast sounds like fun! (I envy anyone that lives close to the ocean). My birthdays the past few years have been quiet as well- ever since graduating high school I never do anything for my birthday. I guess once you're an "adult", birthday parties lose their flair, but it is always good to do something a little special in my opinion.

    I never really thought about our bodies using more energy when we're sick, but I guess that would make sense because our bodies are trying to fight off infection. If I think about it, whenever I've even had a cold I always feel more tired/sluggish/lacking in energy- now I know why!

  2. I hope you feel better soon <3

    I totally get what you mean about the body using more energy when it needs to heal itself. I'm still recovering from that surgery earlier this week and I keep falling asleep. XD Haha.

    Maybe you could take up... uh... spending more time online? ^_^ XD

  3. I know about being tied to your trauma but you know what's cool about birthdays when you've been a victim? One year that you're older, wiser, and farther away from the event. We don't have to be held in chains by our past love. I do understand that it filters into every aspect if you let it though.
    I'll be happy knowing you're alive and were born anyway. :)
    I love you heaps dead! Cheer up

  4. I know how you feel about your birthday, I can't stand mine. In the last few years, it has been especially disastrous and I always seem to end up crying. I'd rather do that alone than with a bunch of people, thank-you-very-much. The mini-vacation to the coast sounds nice though, especially since it was so enjoyable last time. Hurry up and get better so that you can go ;)

  5. I was just about to write that a lot of sufferers of ED feel like they are stuck at the age that it started, and I think this might be true for some people, but I agree with you about being stuck at the age of trauma. I most definitely don't feel the age that I am, and everyone is gobsmacked when they find out how old I am (I'm 23 and am always told that I look about 15 - ironically the age anorexia set in). I feel stuck at different ages - sometimes I feel about 4, sometimes 11, sometimes 15 and sometimes 18. I wonder if we'll ever catch up to our real ages?!

    I never celebrate my birthday either, but I really hope that you feel heaps better so that you will be able to at least enjoy the day without feeling as poorly as you have been...and if you do go away, I hope you have a fabulous time and go home with plenty of cheese!!!

    Take lots of care of yourself lovely! XX

  6. Wow, I am literally two days older than you. Happy upcoming birthday! Hopefully I'll remember to tell you on your actual birthday. I hope you're not sick on your birthday!
    And have a good one, no matter what.