My birthday is now less than a week away. Twenty years old on the 30th. As I mentioned before, I don't feel like I'm actually aging up, and it stresses me out a little. I don't usually do anything for my birthday, but mum and I had been planning on doing a short overnight trip down the coast, to the same place we went a few months back. At the moment, it's not looking like I'll be well enough to go. This chest infection really has its hooks in me. We'll go another weekend though, as we desperately need more cheese (did I mention we bought 4-5kg of vintage cheddar last time?...). But for my actual birthday, it's looking to be quiet as per usual.
I know a lot of people say you feel stuck at the age your ED developed. But for me, I think it's more linked to trauma, long before my Anorexia. Either way, it sucks, and it makes me dread birthdays. Part of me is glad to not be going away, to not be making a fuss about it. Though I can't say I'm glad to be spending it feeling sick, constantly falling into coughing fits and my blood pressure teetering on edge, surrounded by the same stresses as usual. Bleh.
I saw the dietician on Tuesday. My calorie intake had been fairly regular all week. I varied between 700-950 calories, except for my Friday dip to 450. In reality, my intake has been the same for a month. The dietician isn't pushing too hard for me to eat more right now because of how sick I've been. Between all forms of exhaustion, I've either been having what's convenient and safe, or joining in family meals. My weight stayed exactly the same this week, and I found myself frustrated. When I maintain my weight on a relatively low intake, it makes me cautious to eat even more. I always lose faith that my metabolism will catch up, though I know it does.
The dietician said that, even though our bodies use more energy while we're sick, starvation mode is basically exacerbated by short-term illness, because our bodies are also trying to conserve energy even harder. I'd also slugged down 750ml water over the course of the morning before being weighed, which I wouldn't normally have had, so who knows how much of that I was still holding. My cough was horrible so I didn't think twice, and accepted there could be consequences.
For now, I have a week with no appointments, hopefully. Mum is constantly wanting me to see the GP, but the clinic is super busy and booked out this week, and I only saw her Monday. I'm still searching everywhere for distractions to fill my days. I have to find one, eventually.