I wanted to scream. I don't want to maintain on under 1,000 calories for four damn months. I either want to lose more, or for my dietician help me raise my intake.
I just walked out.
She said "See you next week."
Yesterday I ate a smidge under 600 calories, consisting of a cheese & Vegemite scroll, soup (lamb, lentil & vege) with a slice of wholemeal bread, and ice cream. Comfort foods. The scroll was 300/600 calories, which is not okay. I need to make a homemade, lower fat, wholemeal version of them, but recently I've been lacking the energy to bake.
Today I've eaten 450ish cals so far, and have 300 more to eat in stew (beef & vege), bread, and ice cream.
I'm ready to see my weight start moving down again. Everything's too much. I'm too much.
I don't know if I'll go to see my dietician next week. I barely made it this week. I'm definitely not going to be seeing my GP on Thursday; that's just out of the question. I don't see the point in any of it anymore. I'm finding myself unable to speak up, anyway. It seems impossible to tell my dietician that I'm frustrated at the moment, or explain how I'm doing to my GP. Everything feels horribly futile. My days seem filled with hopeless, pointless, endless tears. And while I know the tears do stop eventually, it's still so damn hard.
Excellent news on the clothing front though: I now own a coat that actually fits. These days I'm a size 6 AU, which is a hard size to find much in. My only coats are to fit me at my set weight of size 12-14, which is awfully baggy now. The sleeves aren't quite long enough on this new one, and I wish it were slightly smaller (it's a size 8, so I tie the belt a little tighter at the back), but it's much better than what I had. Just in time for winter!
For now, I'm exhausted. I've been up since midnight (it's currently 4pm), and am nursing a headache and back/lung ache. It's going to be an early night again.
Reason #914 why I'm an old lady (I swear I should really make a list): I regularly eat dinner at 4:30-5PM, and am rarely awake later than 8-9PM. Even in hospital, I shocked the nurses with my early bedtime.