Thursday, 6 June 2013

Doubts

I ran out of another appointment. That makes three in a row. The dietician basically told me I've been doing a great job maintaining my weight for the past four months, and to keep doing what I'm doing. 
Doubt it.
I wanted to scream. I don't want to maintain on under 1,000 calories for four damn months. I either want to lose more, or for my dietician help me raise my intake. 
I just walked out. 
She said "See you next week."
Doubt it. 

Yesterday I ate a smidge under 600 calories, consisting of a cheese & Vegemite scroll, soup (lamb, lentil & vege) with a slice of wholemeal bread, and ice cream. Comfort foods. The scroll was 300/600 calories, which is not okay.  I need to make a homemade, lower fat, wholemeal version of them, but recently I've been lacking the energy to bake. 
Today I've eaten 450ish cals so far, and have 300 more to eat in stew (beef & vege), bread, and ice cream. 

I'm ready to see my weight start moving down again. Everything's too much. I'm too much.

I don't know if I'll go to see my dietician next week. I barely made it this week. I'm definitely not going to be seeing my GP on Thursday; that's just out of the question. I don't see the point in any of it anymore. I'm finding myself unable to speak up, anyway. It seems impossible to tell my dietician that I'm frustrated at the moment, or explain how I'm doing to my GP. Everything feels horribly futile. My days seem filled with hopeless, pointless, endless tears. And while I know the tears do stop eventually, it's still so damn hard. 

Excellent news on the clothing front though: I now own a coat that actually fits. These days I'm a size 6 AU, which is a hard size to find much in. My only coats are to fit me at my set weight of size 12-14, which is awfully baggy now. The sleeves aren't quite long enough on this new one, and I wish it were slightly smaller (it's a size 8, so I tie the belt a little tighter at the back), but it's much better than what I had. Just in time for winter!

For now, I'm exhausted. I've been up since midnight (it's currently 4pm), and am nursing a headache and back/lung ache. It's going to be an early night again.
Reason #914 why I'm an old lady (I swear I should really make a list): I regularly eat dinner at 4:30-5PM, and am rarely awake later than 8-9PM. Even in hospital, I shocked the nurses with my early bedtime. 

Goodnight folks!


xxBella

15 comments:

  1. Oh Bella I realise how hard it is for you, I've felt very similar before.

    I know its so easy for me to say but; try and use your voice rather than your body to express your needs.

    Your dietician is there to help you, take advantage of her and tell her want YOU want. You want to raise above 1000, anorexia wants you to lose.

    The reason you feel so helpless and futile is because you're thinking of returning to a place which ultimately leads nowhere and you know it. Starving and weightloss makes the short term bearable but it takes away your future. It is futile- we will never be thin or ill enough.

    On the other hand if you look at the by far more scary prospect of trying something new it will take you somewhere new. It is terrifying and it IS a LEAP OF FAITH.

    Take the leap

    love and strength xxxxxxxxxx

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    1. I totally second everything you just said!
      Bella boo I love you, I'm scared for you, maybe your dietician is afraid to push you, so she isn't, but maybe you need a push forward to stop slipping backwards. You know where I am if you want to rant starshine, always here for you xxxx

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  2. u are crazy lah. want her to increase ur intake you just ask her la. you so underweight why cant u just eat more. TOO BAD for u that u just want to restrict and starve urself so who ask u, of course you will be miserable la. we all can eat good and yummy food too bad who ask u want to starve and restrict urself so much just to look so disgustingly thin and scrawny. Its gross let me tell u. GROSS. and u ownself choose this path what who else to blame but urself la. i eat chocolates and tarts and pies and fried yummy food that taste great and u have to stick with soups veggies and plain bland stuff. so skinny already just go and die la. u ownself eat so little. want to recover then u just eat la. u know food is ur medicine what. u just choosing to be skinny and restrict urself u dont even want to get well. so stop pretending like you are trying very hard.

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    1. anon, you are A LOT sicker than her.

      please, bella do not give people like this a voice. please delete this, it is unbearable even for an outsider like me to have an evidence that EXTREMELY sick minded people like this anon even exist. maybe you should ban unregistered comments altogether ( i know this would have included mine)

      Bella, I wish you well. I hope you will get better!

      x

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    2. I'm so angry at the anonymous commenter.
      Bella is a lovely lovely lovely girl. She's already fragile she doesn't need you making it worse and saying utter shit.
      She's been through a lot, nobody choses this illness, yes we may struggle to want to part with it because it helps us cope in a world that is overwhelming. People go through a lot to want to starve themselves.
      You're such a moron for writing such shit.

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    3. Anonymous: do you know about Anorexia?
      It's a mental disease which affects your perception of yourself and your body, and also affects your eating habits. Bella is clearly sick, and needs support rather than criticism. She can't just increase the calorie intake. The disease tells her no. It leaves you very anxious and scared.

      I would advice you to give Google a shot this time, and hopefully search for Anorexia before you comment anything controversial about Anorexia.

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    4. Dear Anonymous, you're being a fuck head. At least she's "scrawny" and nice. You're still an asshole.

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    5. Dear Anonymous,
      After reading your hateful post I have come to the following conclusion. You need to spend less time insulting people and more time studying and practicing proper grammar. I've developed quite the headache trying to decipher your message. While you're at it please take some time to learn about an illness before commenting on it.
      Thanks!

      Bella, don't let this person's ignorance bother you. You're better than that!

      Delete
  3. I agree Bella
    Delete that comment
    That person didn't even have the balls to put their name to their comment
    What a coward
    Who are they to judge?
    They've obviously never have had to deal with an ED or anything like it

    I hope that you don't lose any more Bella
    You really can't afford to
    Don't let this thing win
    One thing that motivates me is the thought that I could help others that are in the same boat
    But I guess motivation is different to different people

    Hang in there sweetheart

    I'm always here for you x

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  4. Based on the anonymous commentor's display of "proper" grammar, I think it's needless to say he/she is a moron and should not be given any heed.

    Bella, your coat is absolutely lovely, as are you. I am still chuckling at the thought of that being a winter coat, though lol. I'm still jealous of that Australian winter.

    I know how frustrating the maintaining game is, but you walk a fine line and decreasing your intake may also mean decreasing your moods and decreasing your health, two aspects of your life that are already a bit of a struggle for you. Perhaps you could just take some time to consider these things before you change your intake or stop seeing your GP and dietician.

    What makes you laugh? Laughter is such a cure-all; you cannot be sad about anything while your laughing. Either way, wishing happiness, hope, and love your way. From your writing, I believe you to be a very bright girl, and you deserve a high quality of life. Thank you again and always for sharing your story.
    Anna

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    Replies
    1. My first thought was...wow...this person needs to go back to school. At least in this community, people know proper English, even anons. But just wow. I was more bothered by the lack of sense that whatever bullshit they were spouting. Hmm.

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  5. I find it extremely upsetting that someone would even leave a comment like that on your blog Bella. You are an amazing person and you don't deserve that, I don't know what kind of a person would even write those things. Their ignorance is astounding.

    Perhaps your dietician has not suggested increasing your intake because she doesn't want to pressure you too much or push you away? I think it would be a good idea to ask her to help you start increasing your intake a little more. I hope you see happier times soon darling <3
    Also I like your coat :)
    Alice xx

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  6. Hey hun! I really wanted to say "mother fucker please." Then go on to curse your commentator out but I was feeling guilty after having so many God moments lately (love thy neighbor and all). I had to stop at asshole. :P we all know you're amazing. If not, I'll beat him/her/it up for ya. :)
    Okay, silliness aside, I know it really is a struggle for you. I'm eating for maintenance weight it seems and can't commit to going less and freak out if it's more. I keep gearing the "I'm too much" comment in my head again too.
    Baby steps. No matter what, keep looking up and forward. I'm right behind you if you need a boost.

    You're looking like a foxy lady in that coat! :D I'm surprised like every single time about how tall you are! Can you go find me one or take me next time? Always missing the good coats when winter comes.
    I loved your dream. I would definitely love to visit you someday!that would be the longest flight of my life. :)
    Don't forget I love love you deary.

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  7. :'( Bella I just want to hug you and make you ok. And that anonymous comment is the last thing you need to listen to. They didn't even have the guts to leave a name. You are so much braver and stronger than they will ever be.

    I know how difficult it is for you. I know how hard it is to fight that voice urging you to lose more weight, to restrict your calories, to feel too much. But I also know that giving in to anorexia is not going to help you like it falsely promises. You're just going to become more and more ill and I think everyone on here will agree with me that this is a terrifying thought. I have grown to care about you so much and hate beyond words to see you going through all this. Always here for you xxx

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