Wednesday, 12 June 2013

Tumbling down the rabbit hole...

I didn't see the dietician this week. It's the first time in the year I've been seeing her that I've cancelled an appointment, except for the week I was in hospital. Mum asked me on Monday if I was going to go to the appointment.
"I don't see any reason to. I don't have anything to say. My intake's been dropping, and I don't really want to be weighed, so I don't see the point."

I'm appointment-free this week. The GP appointment for tomorrow was cancelled too. At the moment I'm struggling to drag myself out of my armchair, let alone the house.

I didn't eat enough over the weekend. 50g of carbs each day, when I know I need 100g to stay stable. Monday was a battle to get my blood sugars back up, though I made it to 900 calories. Yesterday I cried through lunch, through the afternoon, again skipping two meals. It's becoming a pattern that I only eat three, maybe four, of my five planned meals. The struggle is getting harder. My daily calorie intake's been between 400-700, depending on my mood. It's proportional. The worse I feel, the less I eat.

There's also been an interesting development to my health over the last several days... My tailbone is killing me. Every time I cough, it feels like I'm being shot/kicked in the damn coccyx. An army of paracetamol, codeine, and ibuprofen is doing bugger all to help the pain. Maybe I've developed a stress fracture from sitting on my butt all day? Either way, it looks like I'll be back at the GP sooner rather than later.

I keep saying to mum that I know this feeling passes, the depression. But right now, everything feels so hopeless, I can't see through the fog. My days feel endless and empty, trapped in my head with my thoughts. Sadly, knowing that the depression will eventually lift doesn't make it lift. At the moment I just have to wait it out, and try to make it through each day, one moment at a time.



  1. Dear Bella,

    It sounds you're having a really tough time.

    It may sound pathetic, like you've heard it ten thousand times before but I'll take a chance!

    Get out! Get dressed, have a shower, even if you REALLY dont feel like it. Go into town, buy something for yourself or have a coffee.

    If you find public places too daunting just have a stroll round the block, or ask your mum to take you somewhere scenic.

    It wont cure depression or make you suddenly feel able to eat but it might make you feel less like you're being sucked into a void of your own emotions.

    I think the best weapon against ED fuelled depression is to do the exact OPPOSITE of what it makes you want to do (sitting at home immobile and not eating)


  2. Dear Bella,
    :( my heart breaks for you that life feels so empty at the moment and that you're often unwell or in so much pain. I agree with Kate, getting out helps me sometimes even if I don't feel like it at first.

    I've really needed a change of scenery so for the last few days I've been staying at my brother's in the city. It's so good. Away from the prying eyes of parents, free to do my own thing and explore- not knowing anyone or having any responsibilities. I feel happier and more restful for it.

    Try to get out once and a while dear Bella. It may help. Much love xx

  3. I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you
    Hug Boo for me, it's me giving you a hug.
    I understand the hopelessness, I cancelled on my GP too.
    Helen says depression is a survival instinct - you shut down, afraid any sudden moves might be dangerous, it makes sense, the less you do, the less you can do, the more you shut down, if there is anything, something small you can focus on despite it being a struggle, you might be able to get a few hours of calm, I know it is hard, I've been going weeks without trying any dbt skills or drawing or tv or anything other than walking, but if you found emotional energy to maybe create something sitting in your arm chair, doodle, anything, maybe you could escape your head for a tiny while?

    I love you, message me whenever xxx

  4. I'm glad you can still believe that it will pass even when you feel so down. It's hard to keep that focus, but it helps so much to get through.

  5. Dearest Bella,

    I'm also in the middle of one of my depressed stages, and completely relate to knowing that it will pass, but feeling so despairing and hopeless, just drowning or suffocating in a fog of black nothingness. And yes, it's a vicious spiral - the worse the feeling, the less the intake.

    It's almost a what comes first the chicken or the egg kind of thing. Does the anorexia cause depression or does the depression put us off food so much that it becomes anorexia? Who knows. All I know is that it's horrendous, but I can only urge you to hang on in there, because it WILL pass. It has to. I don't want to patronise you or anything, but please please stay as strong as you are Bella. I think accepting that you have to wait for it to pass is a massive step in itself. You really are magnificent, to go through so much physical pain on to of everything else. You are one tough cookie please don't crumble any more :( It breaks my heart to read your suffering.

    Sending you so much love and careful hugs! XXX

  6. Darling Bella, I'm sorry to hear you so sad.

    I agree with the comments above, getting out, even for a little while might help, but I know how hard that can be when you are feeling depressed. I never feel like going out, but I usually feel better if I do.

    Somewhere scenic is a good idea, I find that even just sitting outside and watching the ducks/birds at uni makes me fee better about the day.
    Or you could find something to do at home to keep you distracted.
    You will get through this <3

    By the way, I had the same thing with my tailbone at the start of the year, but I didn't go to the doctor about and it went away within a few weeks, I thought it was just that I had been sitting too much...

    Take care sweetie!
    Alice xx

  7. I can relate to that feeling. I've been living with varying degrees of depression for as long as I can remember. Even as a very small child. Knowing that it will get better doesn't always help:( I'm sorry you are feeling down. I hate the saying but it works sometimes...fake it til you make it<3

  8. I know how hard it is to muster the energy to do anything but I always feel better after I've gotten put of the house

    I was in the bath recently and I lay down
    I could feel something sticking in to me and when I went to look at what it was, it turned out to be my tail bone protruding
    Strange feeling

    Try to stay safe Bella

    You are loved x

  9. you chose this yourself

    being a stick skinny low weight = depression + deprived + bereft + unhappiness

    wanna get out of it, EAT and GAIN WEIGHT. You know thats what you have to do. Ive been through it before.

  10. I'm sorry you've been depressed (and that your bum aches).
    I've also been swimming in a world of hopeless hours. I see no end, but for you and me both... there IS an end. Just hang tight sweetie <3