Monday, 3 June 2013

There's a stillness to the madness...

I'm stuck in a rut with my intake. For three months now, I've been eating the same 800-1,000 calories. My weight's jumping up and down whenever it pleases, though thankfully I've been mostly maintaining overall (44-45kg, 12.8-13.1 BMI). I'm getting frustrated with it all. I either need to eat more so my metabolism can actually function, or I need to be eating less. Yet again, I'm at a crossroad. One path involves my dietician, the other is a lone walk. At the moment I dread each appointment with my dietician, each weigh in. I can't stay where I am now, and I need to get out of this rut; one way or another.

It seems I've lost my voice, literally. The last week has been filled with crying and screaming, I've lost my frikkin' voice. I've been in tears near-constantly, and sometimes all you can do is scream. My throat's not even sore, I just can't speak more than a whisper. There's still a few more days until I'm off Paroxetine completely, and hopefully then things'll start looking up bit. For now I'm taking it easy, or trying to at least. 

I've just had homemade stew out of the freezer for dinner (135 cal for a cup - beef, onion, tomato, carrot, potato), which makes things super easy. I'm planning on an early night curled up on the couch with a big fluffy duvet, the air conditioner on heating, curtains drawn and lights dimmed. Oh, and Disney movies, should my brain cooperate in concentrating. Tomorrow night, after my weigh in, I'll be adding a bottle of Shiraz into the picture. For tonight, a hot cuppa will just have to do. 

I'm seeing the dietician in the morning, and then I guess we'll see what the week ahead will bring. Be it higher or lower, my calorie intake is changing. 



  1. look at your teeny tiny diddy little ickle weee calves!

    love you little bella boo, I hope the appointent goes okay tomorrow for you, and if you haven't seen Wreck it Ralph (new animated disney omvie) maybe ask your mum to get it for you? I think you'd love it


  2. I think you should choose more. Choose life. It's a struggle, I know. I love you lots and lots.

  3. Hey.. I love you. Thanks for being amazing and try to survive, eh? <3 x

  4. Bella, my heart breaks for you. I just want to reach out and give you a big hug which will magically make everything better for you, but I'm scared of snapping you. I know this rut all too well, and it can be one of the worst parts of an ED, leaving you feeling numb and sort of...I don't know for you, but it made me feel kind of pointless and worthless, but I hope you never have to feel like this.

    Do you eat the same thing every day, or just whatever you can up to the value of 800-1000 calories? How tall are you? Sorry, asking loads of questions. I don't think you should cut your calorie intake, it's too dangerous, and you deserve a better life than this. Please stay safe, please lovely Bella!

    Keep fighting, I'm always here for you! Loads of love xx

  5. Eat more. You are far too thin. Cant you like just eat and not keep thinking of losing weight or cutting calories?! Its so ridiculous.

  6. Dearest Bella,
    I sending positive thoughts and prayers your way. It breaks my heart that everything is so tough for you at the moment. It's awful isn't it... sometimes it feels like we've fallen into a bog of sticky mud... the more we try to escape, the tighter the hold and the deeper we get. How do you possibly get out?? I don't have any answers. :( :(

    I hope you can find some positivity and happiness in the world around you. I think I am happiest when something attracts and distracts me away from myself. Like the beauty and preciousness of a little kitten, or a drive in the country where I am surrounded by beautiful rugged Australian beauty. Maybe try to find something which distracts you completely from food, calories, weight loss etc... I know it sounds stupid, but it might help. You are such a fighter, don't give up! Sending love your way <3

  7. I don't have many words Bella
    Just know that I love you loads
    I'm rooting for you, hoping that someday you will decide that you've had enough
    Although I can't really talk as I'm not making much effort with my own recovery

    Stay safe dearest x

  8. omg do you really think your legs are beautiful? you look sick and its ugly

  9. I think they r beautiful