Restless nights

On Wednesday I stayed outside in my armchair all night, again. I don't know what exactly triggers the thought cycle, but once it starts it just keeps building. I start to believe that I don't deserve to go inside, to be warm, or have a roof over my head. I didn't deserve to lie down, to eat, to sleep, to take my medication (because skipping meds is a brilliant idea...).

I'm filled with a lot of negative self-talk right now. A lot of depression, self-hatred, futility, apathy.

Mum would come out and try to convince me to go inside, to take care of my physical self at least. I just cried "I can't". Because I didn't deserve to. Because there was simply no point. Whenever I say that, Mum tells me "you're the point", but I don't see it. As the night went on and the back-and-forth continued, I was in hysterics. Refusing to go inside, refusing my night meds, refusing to stop crying, wanting to be left alone.

Mum threatened to call an ambulance, saying I'd end up in hospital anyway with pneumonia if I didn't go inside. 

I threatened to run, refusing to ever face the horrible psychiatrist at hospital #1 in a non-life threatening situation. 

I went through a whole box of tissues overnight. I dozed for a couple of hours around 2am, waking up every so often just to fall back asleep crying again. It was 1*Celcius, though that didnt stop the night-sweats.

Yesterday I ignored the world, wishing for the day to end as the previous one never really did. 480 calories. Nothing achieved. 

I'm finding myself eating differently to how I normally would. Normally I'd serve myself my calorie-controlled portion, and always finish it. Recently I've been leaving the crusts on sandwiches, weighing them up afterwards. I cut my toast before I weigh or toast it, so I can not feel obliged to eat every piece for accuracy's sake. Putting down my spoon halfway through my bowl of soup because I'm simple tired of eating.

Today had been a little better. Five meals, 600 calories. Less tears than the past few days, potentially due to keeping myself distracted.

In sewing news, I finally lengthened my coat pattern today. I've been anxious as hell about messing it all up, and so I haven't touched it for two days. These patterns are designed for someone 5'5" tall, and I'm 6'1". I bit the bullet this afternoon, started working on it again, and added 6cm to the back-waist length. Now I can start cutting out the fabrics and actually make progress on it, which is pretty darned exciting if you ask me. So my weekend will be filled with sewing and soup-making, and hopefully it'll keep the tears at bay.

xxBella