Friday, 21 June 2013

Restless nights

On Wednesday I stayed outside in my armchair all night, again. I don't know what exactly triggers the thought cycle, but once it starts it just keeps building. I start to believe that I don't deserve to go inside, to be warm, or have a roof over my head. I didn't deserve to lie down, to eat, to sleep, to take my medication (because skipping meds is a brilliant idea...).

I'm filled with a lot of negative self-talk right now. A lot of depression, self-hatred, futility, apathy.

Mum would come out and try to convince me to go inside, to take care of my physical self at least. I just cried "I can't". Because I didn't deserve to. Because there was simply no point. Whenever I say that, Mum tells me "you're the point", but I don't see it. As the night went on and the back-and-forth continued, I was in hysterics. Refusing to go inside, refusing my night meds, refusing to stop crying, wanting to be left alone.
Mum threatened to call an ambulance, saying I'd end up in hospital anyway with pneumonia if I didn't go inside. 
I threatened to run, refusing to ever face the horrible psychiatrist at hospital #1 in a non-life threatening situation. 

I went through a whole box of tissues overnight. I dozed for a couple of hours around 2am, waking up every so often just to fall back asleep crying again. It was 1*Celcius, though that didnt stop the night-sweats.

Yesterday I ignored the world, wishing for the day to end as the previous one never really did. 480 calories. Nothing achieved. 
I'm finding myself eating differently to how I normally would. Normally I'd serve myself my calorie-controlled portion, and always finish it. Recently I've been leaving the crusts on sandwiches, weighing them up afterwards. I cut my toast before I weigh or toast it, so I can not feel obliged to eat every piece for accuracy's sake. Putting down my spoon halfway through my bowl of soup because I'm simple tired of eating.
Today had been a little better. Five meals, 600 calories. Less tears than the past few days, potentially due to keeping myself distracted.

In sewing news, I finally lengthened my coat pattern today. I've been anxious as hell about messing it all up, and so I haven't touched it for two days. These patterns are designed for someone 5'5" tall, and I'm 6'1". I bit the bullet this afternoon, started working on it again, and added 6cm to the back-waist length. Now I can start cutting out the fabrics and actually make progress on it, which is pretty darned exciting if you ask me. So my weekend will be filled with sewing and soup-making, and hopefully it'll keep the tears at bay.



  1. Hey Bella,
    I'm sorry you have had a bad couple of days, but it's good to hear you excited about something! I hope the coat-making goes well. I am soup-making this weekend too, but certainly no sewing! lol :)
    Your mum is so right, YOU are the point. You matter. Have a nice weekend hun and take care <3
    Alice xx

  2. This is redundant as fuck, but you are the point. The point is to keep alive, because if you keep this shit up, it's not going to be pretty. It's only going to be more tears and more pain and more sleepless nights. I know it sounds harsh, but that's what it is at this point. I hate more than anything too see people I care about faking apart when I can't do anything. You are worth it, life is worth it, you just have to kill your demons every day. It's a constant battle, but you're here right? That means something.

  3. i really wish she sends you to hospital. why is she still deliberating?! waiting till you faint and die out of starvation and malnutrition?!

    this is really absurd.

    1. Didn't your mother tell you that if you don't have something nice to say, don't say it? Especially if you have to say it anonymously..

  4. I'm sorry lovely, I wrote that at 5 am when I was really sleep deprived. I don't mean to sound harsh or blunt, I know that doesn't help clarity through the fog of depression. But, something that helped me recently is on Tuesday I drank a lot and was emotional and was saying things I didn't mean (i.e. I was worthless, useless, it didn't make sense to be there) and my friend forced me outside and set my ass straight and was blunt but true. For me, stuff like that works, just kind of a slap in the face from reality. But I realize not everyone is like that so I'm very sorry if my comment came off as rude, especially when all you ever do is say nice encouraging things on my blog. I just don't want to see you slipping farther and farther. So, in a perfect world, what would you need in order to be better? What can people say or do to help you feel that hope again? Take care dear.

  5. Sometimes in life we need to find the little things that make us believe we are worth something, even if it's small. Sometimes we need little moments to remind us to breath. Sometimes it's sewing or making soup or having your mom come out to remind you that you're the point. Sometimes. Even when it doesn't feel like a sometimes.
    You are loved. You are enough. You are valuable. You are capable.
    I love you.

  6. I'm sorry you had such a wretched day. Once the negative self talk starts, it is so hard to snap out of it. I've spent hours lying on the couch, doing the same thing, ignoring everything around me to sit there and hate myself with every fiber of my being.

    But you do deserve to be warm, to be happy, to eat, and to be loved. It is easy to let the voices in our heads convince us otherwise, but it is not true. You are lovable and capable. If the only thing you can bare to do is take your meds, then do it. Skipping one day of meds can fuck with your head and body horribly, and that's the one thing you don't deserve.
    Stay strong Bella, keeping yourself distracted is wonderful, don't let the self talk take you down. Fight back.

  7. Oh Bella, sweet Bella, my heart is breaking for you
    Words are just not enough any more
    I have to admit that I find it increasingly difficult to witness you deteriorating
    I feel like I am watching you kill yourself and there is nothing I can do
    Even your mother can't do anything

    I ask that question all the time 'What is the point?'
    And my mother answers the same as yours 'You are the point Ruby'
    To me,life just has no meaning anymore
    I'm hanging on for others

    Bella I could say please don't do this
    Fight for your life
    But I know it's futile to say this in the face of this illness
    Heck, I'm in the same boat and even with lots of support I am floundering

    Just hang on
    Try to hang on
    Find something, anything and hang on to that
    I'm just so worried

    This was said out of love and concern x

  8. Bella, please please keep fighting. I hate more than words can say to sit here and hear of you slowly getting worse and worse and not being able to do anything at all to help you.

    Please reach out. This is too terrible. Please Bella, you deserve more than this hell.