Saturday, 29 June 2013

Lost Days and Empty Weeks

There's three empty weeks on my calendar. Three weeks where I've no appointments, no weigh-ins, and no plans to leave the house. The temptation to lose weight is always high when I'm left to my own devices. There is also a huge fear with not having my weight monitored, and eating unsafe amounts. What if I expand to the size of a small whale?! I couldn't face three week's worth of weight gain. It's far too risky to eat more right now. Safety is lying in restriction.

The last few days have been... lost. Everything's been overwhelming me, and the simplest tasks become all too much. Things like making a coffee seem suddenly complex. Everything seems to go downhill at breakfast-time, for some reason or no reason at all. I then spend the day stuck in my armchair, unable to process anything, a panicking wreck. The days have just been totally lost.

But today I pushed through it, and made the day worth something. I found distraction again, if only for a short while. I spent two hours this morning sat at my sewing machine for the first time in years, whirring through fabric and thread in a daze. Pieces of fabric are starting to take the shape of a coat. The time flew by. Having something to occupy just a few hours of my day made the empty hours much more bearable.

Tomorrow I'm going to be making more soup, because there's no such thing as too much soup (though I currently have about 16 cups in the freezer), and it's the perfect way to fill in a couple of hours. I've started making hyper-detailed, time-planned to do lists for each day again. Down to the basics, like when to prepare meals or have a cuppa. Call it trying to make something out of nothing, but on good days, it's been helping to have it written down. 

On the subject of time disappearing... How are we halfway through the year already?! Sigh. 

Here's to a weekend of sewing, soup, movies, and hiding out in front of the heater; and hopefully a less stressful week ahead. 

Still living in Kmart essentials... Yet another reason to start sewing again: the only track pants available in my size have pink on them... eeeeeeeewww!



  1. You look disgustingly skinny.
    Really girl, get some weight on.
    You'll look prettier and more beautiful and healthy.

    Hey do you ever think or trying to get well? Like get a job or something and move on with life?

    I really like you after reading your blog for the past 1 hour :) I think you can get better if you pull out some courage to and really your mind and brain will be much better and more able to think if you do gain weight to be more healthy. Now you are just so malnourished you will not be able to thick logically. The way you write, has also changed. Its like more ED focused now compared to when you were happier, less depressed and not so weight oriented. Your writing was much better when your weight was higher and when your brain was more fueled and fed with nutrients.

    Please stay strong. I am also someone with an eating disorder. I understand your struggles. But what helped me to get out of the cycle of feeling down and eating less is the courage to just move on and not keep thinking about weight gain. Weight gain is really part of recovery. Without being healthy, you cannot function well. Ive been there done that. Relapsed like 4 times in and out of hospital. Honestly, its just a waste of time and money to be wasting your life this way thinking of calories and food. Its not worth it. I hope you dont see this as a scolding or something bad, i really care for you so i hope things will get better on your side.

  2. Keep at the sewing hun, distraction will be key to getting through the next few weeks without apointments. There is no such thing as too much homemade soup! I definitely need to start making my own too.

    Stay strong Bella

    Ps. May I add that the anonymous commenter above obviously knows nothing of recovery as he/she would not have started with a critique of your physique and he/she would know that you are on your own path towards recovery, keep at it love!

  3. I would like to start by telling you that I think you're pretty swell. I'm also ecstatic to hear that you've been a sewing queen lately. I can't wait to see this magic creation. :D
    Soup sounds fantastic except it's been so hot lately that hot food doesn't sound as good. I'll need to get some good recipes from you this fall.
    I live you my dear. <3

  4. Time is disappearing. Summer is halfway over, people keep commenting how I'm going back to school soon, no one gets that I don't want to think about it.

    Ok, so I found something I think you might like! I have to research a few designers for my internship, and I came across someone that does millinery and corsetry, it's called Monstruosite, and I thought of you. I think you could really do something with design or historical costume if you decided on uni or something. I'm doing fashion merchandising, but I know there are a lot of niche programs out there. I'm not sure about the fashion schools in Australia, but you never know. I can't wait to see this coat! Pay no mind to dumb anons that don't know what they're talking about.
    And heaven forbid, pink!! Ha are there any colors besides black you like?

  5. I just want to start by saying that there is NO WAY you will expand to the size of a small whale in three weeks!! Please don't let that be something that worries you, just try your best with the time you have.

    I hate empty weeks too, they scare me. But hooray, you have your sewing to keep you occupied now! I hope it's given you the bug to really start again. It sounds like you are coming on leaps and bounds with the coat. I am so excited to see it when you're done!! You're so brave and strong Bella, pushing through these painful days when everything seems too much, yet you manage to do your sewing. I couldn't be prouder of you!

    And making soup as well! What soup are you making? Soup is the best! Haha!

    Ooh I like pink! It's nice and cheery on you!

    *Hugs* and lots of love always XXXX

  6. Firstly let me say how envious I am of your seamstress skills! It is so great you have something that absorbs you so completely.

    Try not to beat yourself up at the moment. You are facing a very tough time- 3 weeks with no support or knowledge of weight etc. Try very hard to be kind to yourself.

    I hope you enjoy your soup making. I love butternut squash and parsnipy things!

    Cant wait to see your fabulous coat!


  7. Yay for distractions! Sewing and cooking are wonderful hobbies, and I also fancy making lists even if it's of seemingly unimportant stuff. It keeps my mind organized, especially when there I feel lost or unorganized in my life.

    I know the next three weeks might be scary, and that may encourage you to restrict more and more, but you will not blow up in that time. I know the idea of gaining even 5 pounds is terrifying, but 1- a gain will make your doctors, nutritionist, and of course mother proud, and 2- you will be able to think better. It's understandable if you're not ready to increase your intake while you're appointmentless, but I do hope you don't decrease it any more.
    Best of luck, and can't wait to see the jacket when it's finished!

  8. I would really struggle with 3 weeks without appts, maybe if you saw the dietician's alternate then you'd have a back up for weeks like this because you'd also get to know her? Although it's just an idea, and one that I know I'd also struggle with myself.

    I love you little bella, sorry I'm being so utterly crap at blogger right now, but know that I love you and I'm here if you need to chat, I always love messages from little lovely you xxx

  9. I find that breakfast time can make or break a day. If I'm in the mood to binge, and I end up doing it, then the whole day becomes about throwing up and eating again. It's hard to stop yourself from freaking out when it's early, you're tired, and your brain hasn't quite woken up yet.
    I hope you can find a solution. If you do, please post :)

  10. Aw man XD that sucks about the pink thing. The only pink thing I like is the pink lemonade Monster Rehab... omg <3

    You're honestly amazing. I love how you're always trying to do better and do something good for yourself, even the smallest thing. It's truly inspiring.
    Also I'm jealous that you can sew XD