Saturday, 8 June 2013

Potatoes gonna Potate

First of all, thank you to everyone for your kind comments on my last post. I normally never address nasty anonymous comments, but for once I will. Though, it's more for my lovely friends and followers, who I'm sure wonder how I react.

As a rule, I never acknowledge nasty anon comments in any form. I will not reply to them, delete them, or waste my time and energy dwelling on them. I could rant for eons at these idiots, but it isn't my job to educate them about eating disorders, and I won't waste my words trying. These people will never come back to read responses, and if they do, it's just feeding the trolls.

Prior to the comment on my last post, on Sunday I woke up to three nasty anon comments. On Tuesday, I woke up to two. They pop up all the time on my stats page, or posts with photos. If I let these comments get to me, I wouldn't be able to blog as openly as I do. I couldn't post such raw photos of myself if I didn't have the backbone to take the flack I might get. It's something I fully expected when I started blogging, and I won't pay any heed to these hateful grey-faced trolls. Basically, I don't let these comments effects me.

Haters gonna hate. Potatoes gonna potate.


That is all.

PSA aside, it's business as usual this weekend. My intake yesterday was 735 calories, and today will be around 400, give or take 10 cals. Today has not been good emotionally. I had my 100-calorie breakfast of Vegemite toast and strawberry yogurt, but I've not eaten since then. I'm going to will myself into the kitchen soon to start my nighttime 300-cal lineup of lamb soup, wholemeal bread, and later a Skinny Cow sundae.

I'm still deciding whether or not to see the dietician this week. I've told mum that I won't cancel the rest of my appointments just yet, that maybe I just need a week to calm. I guess it's more of a everything's-pointless-why-bother kinda thing than anything else.

I've also just started another course of antibiotics, a script the physician gave me in case the phlegm and pain for worse. I'm cutting back smoking, but not fast enough for my body apparently. My 'quit date' is before 23rd July, in an ideal world, so the physician won't kick my butt again at my next check-up. Currently I'm averaging 6g/day (it went back up to 7-8g last week), plus 5 or less cigarettes, so I need to cut back one gram/day each week to reach my goal. I'm writing down every gram, cone, and cigarette I smoke, so I'm actively aware of the amount. I know I can do it, I know I have to do it, and I will do it.

Determination is a hell of a thing. 


xxBella

10 comments:

  1. I hope that you can be as determined to gain weight as you are to give up smoking. You really do need to eat more because you look far to skinny.
    Like you said, if you really want to get better and well, you have to make yourself eat more and not just stick to such a small amount of calories a day. You yourself are depriving yourself of good food. You body is maintaining on such a small amount of calories because ur body is CLEARLY in starvation mode. Im also struggling with an eating disorder but am maintaining my weight now with 3 big meals a day.

    I think you should talk to your doctor about how you feel about increasing your intake and if you really want to get better. Its no use if you keep saying you want to recover but are not receptive and accepting towards weight gain. It is part and parcel of the recover process. Without weight, yout mind will just not work well.

    I believe you know what you want in life. There is so much more to life than weight and calories. If you want to stay on just being skinny and ugly and bones, no one can stop you. But i believe you will be much happier if you are more healthy looking and can enjoy food as it is.

    ReplyDelete
  2. It disgusts me that people can be so cruel
    Leaving a nasty anonymous comment is such a cowardly act
    It says a lot more about that person than it does about you Bella
    They could at least have the balls to put their name to their words
    I hope it didn't upset you too much Bella, they are not worth an ounce of your energy or one of your tears

    These people are just plain ignorant and uneducated
    If they had the first clue about ED's, then they would know that what they are saying is bullshit
    I mean telling someone to 'just eat'
    Do you they really think that that hadn't occurred to you?
    Or that you are going to eat just because they have suggested it
    I'm just so angry on your behalf Bella
    You don't deserve that abuse
    Just remember that they are the one with the problem
    And the rest of us here love and care for you

    Hope you're ok

    Lots of love x

    ReplyDelete
  3. Ruby is so right, it is cowardly to hide behind anonymity. You, Bella, on the other hand are far from cowardly. The strength it takes to write so openly as you do, is ineffable. Like Ruby says, 'they are not worth an ounce of your energy or one of your tears'. I couldn't agree more.

    I have never actually had a nasty or cruel comment on my blog as of yet, so I can't imagine how it feels. However, when I was reading the first half of your post, I had a big smile on my face, and was just thinking 'WHOOP WHOOP GO BELLA YOU ARE AMAZING!!' I love your little dancing potatoes too...I might steal that from you sometime if you don't mind?!! Why don't you try seeing your dietitian? It could be your own little way of fighting back against these comments, your way of showing them that you mean business. Determination is a hell of a thing, and you my dear have buckets of it! Sending big hugs to you xxx

    ReplyDelete
  4. I wish I knew how to potate so I could be as happy as those guys in the picture! Hah!

    I understand people wanting to comment anonymously, but it should NEVER be out of disrespect. The problem is, most people don't understand how intricate eating disorders are. I didn't even realize it, until I saw how many people felt the exact same way I do. I thought my brain was just hardwired differently then everyone else. But these thoughts and feelings we have, these are something only us who suffer from EDs understand. I don't think anyone should judge anybody else for what they're going through. But at the same time, it is not surprising. They see it as simply as we should, but don't. That is not a reason to be rude or disrespectful though.

    You are beautiful. Size is not the determination of beauty. At least I believe that when I look at other people. I hope to be able to feel that way about myself some day as well.

    It blows my mind that you smoke 6 g's a day. I've gone through many periods of heavy pot use, but that is quite a bit, and I'm sure quite rough to wean off of. I know how hard it is to cut back or quit, I've done it myself, and I'm trying to help my boyfriend do it now also. It isn't easy but once you stop for a while, you'll appreciate the mental clarity. I don't know if smoking helps you eat or how it affects your appetite...that's been a big issue here...but I hope you can maintain and even increase your intake without weed as well.

    Stay strong and keep potating <3

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hi bella, i dont think you should see that comment as something bad. I dont think that person was being cruel. I think he or she just wanted to really knock some sense into you because i find that what the person wrote made alot of sense...

    Its true you cant keep being stuck in that shell of yours... Eating disorders are hard to deal with but i think that it is possible to get out of.

    -Lucy

    ReplyDelete
  6. What that person wrote was disgusting... I'm glad it didn't get to you Bella. You are so brave, loving and courageous, keep fighting <3

    ReplyDelete
  7. I'm glad that you don't let the nasty comments get to you. Seriously, you are an incredibly strong person!

    To answer your question about the HP books. The only real difference is the covers and a bit of the language is changed. Some of the character names are spelled differently and say things like "crisps" instead of "chips" or "biscuits" instead of "cookies". REALLY minor details...basically I'm just using the little bit of difference as an excuse to read the series for a 4th time without feeling guilty :D I don't know why I feel guilty when I reread books but I do...like I should ALWAYS be reading something NEW...learning something new. But I find something different to enjoy everytime when I read HP so I guess it doesn't matter! Sorry for the long explanation!

    PS....dancing potatoes...just made my day :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. You're handling these nasty comments in the best way possible. Don't let those ignorant jerks get to you. They're not worth a second of your time.
    I know you'll reach your goal to cut back <3 If you put your mind to it you can do and accomplish anything <3
    -Emma

    ReplyDelete
  9. Those comments on the other posts... disgusting. Why do they even bother to comment on these things if that's how they feel? How do they even come across an ED blog? I'm glad you can ignore them.
    I would say stay with the dietician but just ask her to change your intake. You might be surprised, you never know. Good luck!

    ReplyDelete