Wednesday, 19 June 2013

Floating, Shrinking, Crashing

The dietician called me in. She said she was happy to see our little blue car in the parking lot when she got there, after my unusual absence last week. I'm the first appointment of the day, and generally mum and I get there a few minutes before the dietician. She asked why I didn't come last week. 
"Just didn't feel up to it?"
I nodded, eyes fixed on the floor. Come to think of it, I stared at the floor the whole time, which I haven't done for months.

She asked about my calorie intake, and I told her it'd dropped a bit lower. 
"How low?"
"400-800 calories."
Then came the inevitable walk to the scales. 
She instantly tells me I've lost weight.

We get back to her office and she talks about raising my calorie intake to 700-800 each day, that she's worried by my weight loss. I shrug. Most days I plan to eat around 650 calories, five meals, but my mood gets in the way, so sometimes I miss a meal or two. I tell her I've just lost motivation, that I just don't want to eat any more than I already am. She thinks a lot of the decline is due to being sick for so long with this lung infection, which I don't entirely disagree with.

She asked me if there was any way I could drink supplements. 
Instant no. 
If I drink supplements, I feel guilty, so I stop eating and only drink supplements. Logical? No.

She reminds me that I can come to see her on Thursdays too, though I never take her up on it. 
I have an appointment with her next week, but after that she's going away for two weeks, meaning a three week gap between appointments. She mentioned this yesterday, and says I should make my visits to the GP more frequent. I shrug. I don't actually have any appointments currently booked with the GP, though I know I need to see her sooner rather than later.
Either way, the temptation to lose weight is always more irresistible when I won't be weighed for so long.

Today has been one of those immobilized-by-anxiety-and-paralysed-by-tears kinda days. I've done precious little work on my coat. It all became a bit overwhelming, and I broke down into a puddle of tears. Pathetic. Hopefully tomorrow will be a bit more productive.

230 calories today; breakfast and dinner. I missed my other meals due to being stuck in aforementioned tear puddle, otherwise my intake would've been closer to 600.
For now, I think it's time to defrost my stew for an early-bird dinner, followed by an evening on the couch, and taking solace in the fact tomorrow can't be any worse. 



  1. We all have those days, it's alright.
    Cuddle with a kitty or drink some tea. And you're right, tomorrow is a new day. I think I'd be so much happier if I could hold onto that fact more often.

  2. :( shitty days suck. I wish I had an encouraging or uplifting thought to share but I don't :( But I am thinking of you dear Bella, and I hope tomorrow brings some hope and joy to you-you really do deserve it! Much love xx

  3. u say you want the dietician to up ur intake now she has u never even want to eat more. u just want to keep cutting ur intake what.

  4. big hug dear bella. You will be okay. you must get better. Im also struggling with ED, mine is bulimia. I just had my appt with the doctors too. But im still at a high bmi and i really just want to lose the weight. Sometimes its just so hard isnt it.

  5. do you even want to get well or get better? Are you really happy with this kind of life, just circulating around everything but weight and being skinny? Really i find it disgusting that you are so skinny i wish you get admitted to hospital or faint!!! Then only then will you realise what you are doing is just so unhealthy. u are just selfish for wasting ur parents money and time just to see u waste away. cant u also think of how this affects others around you? and not just keep obssessing abt u and urself and ur stupid sickly low disgusting weight?!!!!

    those who are supporting you and comforting u are just being so blind because they are advocating the wrong mindset and are in fact supporting u to carry on with ur unhealthy habits!

    can u just eat and gain the weight?! Just eat la whats so hard? its u urself that is stopping urself from enjoying all the good food out there! Theres like cakes and pies and chocolate & fried foods that are really delicious...u wanna stick to drinking soups and veggies and fruit, too bad u are missing out too much in life.
    no wonder if u eat 700-800 u maintain or gain weight! HAHA. Cause ur disgusting skinny body is in starvation mode! TOO BAD.

    1. You are ignorant and uneducated. Leave.
      She needs support not your immature lectures.

      Love you dearest Bella. Do what you can manage and don't rush yourself. I hate how greatly moods affect my eating habits, usually never in a good way.
      You are capable of change and good things
      :] tomorrow can be better xx

  6. Oh again with the anons. Sigh. I appreciate your comment dear, it's interesting to go through life without a parent. On your intake...all I can say is that if you don't step it up, you're never going to get anywhere. Not sure if you want to stay in this stinking hole forever. I know it's hard to try, but what are the other options? Love you dear, take care.

  7. Bella :'( I just want to hug you and make you better. And these anonymous comments make me so so sad for you. You have to put up with so much already without having to deal with this kind of abuse on here too. Keep fighting Bella, I hope you can feel my prayers and strength behind you. All my love xxx

  8. Hi Bella,

    sorry to hear you're having a shitty time, sending hugs your way.

    I understand how hard it is to keep on track when your mood is rubbish, but you will know as well as the rest of us hypocrites that 'recovery' is going to be chock bang full of hard days and you cant give in to your ED all the time.

    I know this is so easy to say, but 'try and be like a robot'. Do not stop to think before you have your planned meal or snack, just do it. If you allow yourself to think about it then that will inevitably lead to anorexia convincing you around eating what you should. Just do it and don't listen.

    I understand your reluctance to go onto supplement drinks because I know how hard it is to progress back to food. However it seems the more immediate problem is your physical decline and it really needs to be halted.

    You know as well as us that you will end up back in a hospital with NO control whatsoever, so perhaps whilst you're feeling vulnerable at the moment you could accept the help in the form of drinks, just until you are a little stronger.

    Hold in there xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  9. Wow, these/this anonymous people are just relentless. I hope you can ignore them.
    Your motivation seems low at this point so maybe try to have others be motivated for you? I don't know if it would help anything, but sometimes asking other people to make appointments for you and force you to take part in things can keep you above water while you're in the doldrums.
    Good luck my dear!
    PS I'm going to decorate a cake this week for my sister's birthday. We'll see if it looks as good as what you normally do :)

  10. I hope you're ok Bella
    People are such cowards leaving nasty comments and not even having the courage to put their name to their comment
    I hope you don't let it get to you, every thing they said is lies
    They are just proving their ignorance by spouting this shit

    Hang in there Bella
    How is the sewing going?

    Love to you dearest x