Floating, Shrinking, Crashing

The dietician called me in. She said she was happy to see our little blue car in the parking lot when she got there, after my unusual absence last week. I'm the first appointment of the day, and generally mum and I get there a few minutes before the dietician. She asked why I didn't come last week. 

"Just didn't feel up to it?"

I nodded, eyes fixed on the floor. Come to think of it, I stared at the floor the whole time, which I haven't done for months.

She asked about my calorie intake, and I told her it'd dropped a bit lower. 

"How low?"

"400-800 calories."

Then came the inevitable walk to the scales. 

She instantly tells me I've lost weight.

We get back to her office and she talks about raising my calorie intake to 700-800 each day, that she's worried by my weight loss. I shrug. Most days I plan to eat around 650 calories, five meals, but my mood gets in the way, so sometimes I miss a meal or two. I tell her I've just lost motivation, that I just don't want to eat any more than I already am. She thinks a lot of the decline is due to being sick for so long with this lung infection, which I don't entirely disagree with.

She asked me if there was any way I could drink supplements. 

Instant no. 

If I drink supplements, I feel guilty, so I stop eating and only drink supplements. Logical? No.

She reminds me that I can come to see her on Thursdays too, though I never take her up on it. 

I have an appointment with her next week, but after that she's going away for two weeks, meaning a three week gap between appointments. She mentioned this yesterday, and says I should make my visits to the GP more frequent. I shrug. I don't actually have any appointments currently booked with the GP, though I know I need to see her sooner rather than later.

Either way, the temptation to lose weight is always more irresistible when I won't be weighed for so long.

Today has been one of those immobilized-by-anxiety-and-paralysed-by-tears kinda days. I've done precious little work on my coat. It all became a bit overwhelming, and I broke down into a puddle of tears. Pathetic. Hopefully tomorrow will be a bit more productive.

230 calories today; breakfast and dinner. I missed my other meals due to being stuck in aforementioned tear puddle, otherwise my intake would've been closer to 600.

For now, I think it's time to defrost my stew for an early-bird dinner, followed by an evening on the couch, and taking solace in the fact tomorrow can't be any worse. 

xxBella