Tuesday, 2 July 2013


My GP rang yesterday. The dietician had apparently left a note with her, regarding her 'concern' for my 'physical state'. So she squeezed me in for an appointment first thing Wednesday morning before she officially clocks on, instead of waiting for the one I had booked in a few weeks. Blood pressure, more blood tests, things like that.

Part of me is relieved to have a break in the three week appointment gap. But another part of me is brimming with anxiety over this 'concern', and wants to hide under blankets and not go; though admittedly it's not hard for me to become overwhelmed with irrational anxiety. 
Why the rush? Why the note? Why this 'concern' that wasn't there a month ago? Whywhywhywhywhy?
Or maybe I should just stop over-thinking things.

Yesterday I spent, maybe... 5 hours sewing? Something like that. It was great. Anyway, my coat is nearly done. I did a couple more hours today, and it'll be finished in a day or two. I'm pretty stoked. There's been a few hiccups but I've kept going at it, and hopefully I'll have a good end result. I've been really worried that it'd turn out horribly since I haven't sewn in so long, but so far so good. 

Today's been strange; a Tuesday without an 8am appointment. It's kinda sad how appointments form so much of my weekly routine, but few other things set the days apart. My intake's still been between 400-800 calories this past week, so no change there. Tonight I'll be having a boost with a few little glasses of wine. I realized earlier that I haven't had a drink since I was in hospital (yes, that still sounds bizarre to me too), nearly two months ago. I've planned to, but haven't gotten around to it. With any luck, it'll ease some of the stress.

GP in the morning, which I will drag my butt to as much as I don't want to. Then I can look forward to finishing my coat, and taking pretty pictures to show you all. 



  1. Doctors, as much as we're uncomfortable around them, somehow they help. Most of the time they know what's best.

    My heart breaks for you hon. I just try to imagine, what if I was worse, what if there was an actual problem, what if I was actually in danger. Would I feel different? Better, worse, about the same? Would I feel powerful or absolutely lost. Either way, something about your writing, even half way across the world, connects with me. I hope you're able to keep up finishing the coat. Turns out no one is coming to watch me in the race, so I'll run for you and Ruby and Eve and Peri and Emily and myself. You guys have been more supportive of this whole thing than anyone.

    I love you dear. Keep sewing, drag your butt to the GP even if it kills you, enjoy a glass of wine or three, suffer through the pokes and prods. But live. Live to sew corsets and run and study fashion if that's what you want. I probably think about you more than I should, but I do care, and I hope you keep carrying on. :)

  2. I'm glad that concern is being raised about your physical health and you have an appointment
    I'm the same
    My week revolves around my appointments
    I don't really leave the house otherwise

    That's brilliant that you have almost finished your coat
    Can't wait to see it, you truly have a gift

    As ever I am worried about you Bella
    I want so much for you to recover and lead the life you've always wanted
    I do believe it is possible for you
    There is always hope
    When I was on heroin I thought that I would never get off it
    I thought it would kill me eventually
    But somehow I did get off it
    Miracles do happen
    I firmly believe that

    Take good care of you, you are precious x

  3. i hope your anxiety lessens; that never makes things better. wine is so classy. makes me think of fireplaces. and yay, the coat! the wonderful coat! how exciting. :] i hope everything turns out alright. i'll send some of the magic from this necklace your way ~~ i hope it makes you smile. xx

  4. Im glad to hear your GP has squeezed you in, hopefully your anxiety keeps in check through the appointment. Needless to say, viewing the sewing as a reward for going should make the time fly!

    I cant wait to see the coat! Im sure its every bit as wonderfull as all your work. Stay strong love!


  5. You gotta take care of yourself dear. Your life could be on the line someday and I'm not okay with that. Don't be afraid to make small steps forward. As much as I want to disappear right now, life is a beautiful thing and it's a shame to miss out on more than you have to. I'm super excited to see your coat!
    Don't forget that I love you. <3

  6. I'm certain the weight loss you've incurred is the cause for the concern. While for you, it seems like a good thing, a victory, a pat on the back worthy change, to outsiders, they are scared. Your health is in danger and while the lies of anorexia have misguided you, they are aware of your current state and want to help you.

    I am glad you'll be seeing the GP and hope it helps you. Remember you have a support team for a reason. I had a pseudo-medical scare today and it made me re-evaluate what the eff I was doing...of course once I realize I'm okay, I go back to my old habits...but one of these days, we won't be okay. You, me, and everyone else dealing with this. Our bodies are not finite. They may be resilient but that will only last so long, considering the abuse we force upon them.

    Please take care of yourself, you are truly so worthy and your health needs to be the forefront of your life right now. Wishing you love & light, and please don't let the anxiety stop you tomorrow.

  7. Ooo I can't wait to see your coat <3

    It's not strange that you have a weekly routine that depends on your appointments. I mean, college students revolve their lives around classes, so how is that any different? It's something that you've become used to doing every week at a set time, so why wouldn't it become part of your routine?