Saturday, 13 July 2013

The GP & Mania

I've been struggling to find the right words lately. The more I try to explain how I'm feeling, the more distressed I become. It's like I keep missing something, and I can't explain myself properly.

I'm edgy, overwhelmed, frantic, restless, constantly trying to keep myself busy, going a mile-a-minute until I hit a speedbump and crash. There's a ball of nervous energy bouncing around my stomach, shooting out to my limbs.
But none of that explains it either.

I saw the GP yesterday. She asked me how I'd been, and I just shrugged and mumbled "I don't know", fidgeting and staring at the floor. Through more questions and broken sentences I told her about some of the feelings in the last paragraph, that I didn't feel stable, and in the past week or so I've felt like I'm in a manic episode. 

I'd spoken with mum about it a few days prior. She'd noticed the changes in my behavior too, and helped fill in the blanks with the GP. It feels impossible to explain what's going on when I feel like this, and it frustrates the hell out of me.
The GP congratulated me on my awareness, and upped my Seroquel from 100mg at night to 200mg, plus starting on 100mg in the morning. So, a total increase from 100mg to 300mg.

Then she asked about my lungs. Overall I'm in a lot less pain than I was pre-diagnosis, though I still have a lot of problems with coughing/phlegm/breathing in general. She kept using words that made me cringe, like 'lung disease' and 'acute infection'. It's all slipped to the back of my mind so easily recently. I'm smoking about 10-15% of what I was though, which is huge, and I have my check up with the respiratory physician in two weeks. The GP warned me that he will growl since I haven't quit smoking completely. Sigh, oh well. 

Right at the end of the appointment, she said she had to weigh me again on the way out. I grumbled that I'm seeing the dietician in four days, and was it really necessary? Apparently so. This week I again wore heavier/warmer clothes and drank extra coffee beforehand, which I purposely avoid when I'm seeing the dietician, so she'll really not have much of a clue what my weight's been doing over the past fortnight.
Three more days until routine sets back in, and I'll be weighed at the right time of day, wearing the right clothes, by the right person.

I've spent too many hours writing and checking and re-writing this, and I'll never get it 'right' anyway. It feels like my head's about to explode, so I'll just leave it here. Time to pass what's left of the day at my sewing machine. 


xxBella

8 comments:

  1. I hope you have a good day with your sewing - I can't wait to see what you make next.. All the best xx

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  2. I think that's just what eating disorders do to us... Anorexia and Bulimia always made me anxious, grumpy, restless, sensitive, etc etc..... :(
    I hope you feel better soon Bella!
    Stay strong honey!
    Lots of love to you
    xx

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  3. Our EDs can have such a drastic effect on our moods, behaviour, mental state
    I know my mood swings up and down quite drastically
    But this is not really you Bella
    This is your ED
    That voice in your head that tells you that you are not enough
    I wish the professionals would so something more to help you
    They must be able to do something
    And I'm hoping that you will accept their help

    You are worth so much more than this
    You are too lovely, talented, caring to be lost to this illness

    Please try to take care of you

    You know I am always here and always rooting for you

    Much love my dear x

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  4. Congrats on keeping the smoking to a minimum, even if you haven't quit completely yet, I'm sure you will get there soon enough. And perhaps axing some cigarettes and greenery may be accounting for your change in mood/energy level?

    I know how frustrating it is to feel like somethings wrong and not be able to explain it, I get that feeling a lot and it is horrible; not being able to express your pain and angst verbally, I'm sure that has a lot to do with why we abuse our bodies. So people can see the pain we are feeling and cannot express. But you and your body are worth far more than that, and I hope you can try to treat yourself more gently.

    Keep busy with the sewing and whatever you can. Hope you can use your hobbies to avoid sitting in the feelings you have stewing around your brain.
    Sending love & light your way always,
    Anna

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  5. I am so sorry I haven't commented in forever dear. So I'm going to make a list.

    You're coat: freaking. gorgeous. I love it. Gabardine is a lovely fabric, often used in military uniforms, so you know it will hold up for a long time. I'm very proud of you and I hope it keeps you nice and warm. If I could have you make me a charcoal grey gabardine coat for this winter, I would. love love love it.

    Smoking: I am a bit of a hypocrite...I don't like smoking, I think it tastes like day old cold coffee and it doesn't do a lot to smoke a pack a day. But I do it sometimes and I understand how difficult it is to quit. But cutting back as much as you have is good, but I would work actively on how to quit, maybe set a deadline?

    Mood: Find something to look forward to, to keep you interested. Talk to different people, take a class at a community college in the fall/spring, get something that gets you out of your head. All these sewing projects have given a definite change to you, even if small. If fashion is something that really interests you, go check out some sewing books, learn a new technique, work with a fabric you've never used before. Find something to funnel that energy into.

    I love you dear, and in reply to your comment, I did get that first kiss even if it was quick. I hope you have an alright start to your week. <3 <3 <3

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  6. You're in my thoughts and prayers dear Bella. Stay strong until getting back into your routine.

    Loads of love and (((warm hugs))) to you <3

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  7. I wanted you to know I'm still around and still thinking of you beautiful. In fact, I just slipped in a prayer and sent a hug that I hope you can feel all the way over there. You know what you need to do, you just have to do it. I love you

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  8. i hope the feeling passes soon. I've never been manic but I know what it's like to be overly hyper, and I can imagine that mania would be that on steroids and much worse.
    It's interesting how much of a difference it makes what time we're weighed and what clothes we're wearing. I like weighing myself right after dinner, when I'm at my heaviest, because it's easier to beat myself up about my weight. Or if it's gone down, then I know that it's really lower than the scale says.

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