Thursday, 4 July 2013

Walking a Fine Line

I had my suddenly-urgent appointment with the GP yesterday. She called my name and apologized for dragging me in, but felt it was necessary to see me ASAP. She started talking about my weight, which we never talk about, saying it was dropping to a point where I'd soon need to be hospitalized. She said she thought I should be under an endocrinology team; medical, not psych, thank god. Still, I disputed.

She took my blood pressure, sitting and standing, which was fine. Then a few vials of blood, and thankfully no nurse grabbed my shoulders this time. 
Then she said she had to weigh me. 
Ambushed. I listed a thousand reasons why she couldn't, why there'd be no point to weigh me. 
"I don't feel comfortable with someone else weighing me."
"I didn't know I had to be weighed today."
"I've already had breakfast."
"I'm wearing heavier clothes."

Then she said those three little words. That she has a 'duty of care' to watch my weight while the dietician's away. My jaw clenches. I stop rattling off excuses. She says that she won't tell me what it is, and I can leave straight after if I want. I'm left with nothing to say. I fly out of my chair, swing open the door, and march out to the scales, followed by the GP.

I stood on the scales, backwards of course, just long enough for the GP to read them and say 'okay'. Then I continued out through the waiting room in tears, as is scarily usual. Mum stayed and kept talking to her while I sat in the car, knees pulled up, smoking yet another cigarette that I probably shouldn't be.

She said she didn't push hospital yesterday because my blood pressure was fine, no postural drop or anything, but that we'd have to call the next day for my blood test results. They were "okay, but borderline" as she succinctly put it over the phone this morning. So I've avoided hospital, until our next appointment in week at least. She told mum not to hesitate in calling an ambulance if she has "any concerns about my weakness", though I think we'll be avoiding that.

And then there was panic, combined with a sudden urge to bury my head in the sand.
I know I need to get my butt into gear with maintaining/stopping losing weight, but at the moment everything's too much. They're actually watching my weight though, I don't know if I can afford to lose any more.

That's all from me for now. With any luck my next post will have pictures of my coat, as I'm still slugging away hemming it at the moment. 


xxBella

7 comments:

  1. Oh Bella I empathise so much.

    Bella please be careful. I KNOW how fucking terrifying it is to be faced with the hospital ultimatum and think 'oh shit I actually CANT stop'.

    I don't know about you but I always think I'll just pul out and eat properly again just before they send me away. The sad reality is it is then you realise you still cannot.

    It is a lot like a drug addict who says 'yeah I take drugs every day but I could stop if I had to'.

    Do anything you can to stop the downward spiral. I know nothing is easy to consume but do you find liquids easier? If so you could get suplement drinks, we even have 'compact' versions of them here so they are only like 125 mls and far less filling.

    Keep safe xxxxxxxxxxxx

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  2. That's a lot to have thrown on you unexpectedly.
    I'm glad your bp and blood results were okay. Maybe now that you know you'll be weighed while your dietician is out you'll have less motivation to lose weight?
    But at least there is someone to hold you accountable, even if the motivation doesn't spike. I just don't want to see you sent back to the hospital after you just got out a couple weeks ago (although for something different).
    I can't wait to see the coat!

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  3. Bella please be careful, you are too precious.

    I agree with Katie - the 125ml compact supplements are easier than real food, and they won't make you fat at all, just will allow you to maintain weight and give you the nutrients you need to make your blooks not 'borderline'.

    Keep fighting, please keep fighting. And look after yourself
    **HUGS** xxx

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  4. It is very hard to fight the distinction between our mental and physical health. They are concerned for a reason. No one wants to see anything bad happen to you, Bella. Everyone in your life wants you to live and prosper. But your disorder won't let you, so you have to make a decision.

    Your disorder, or life. Those are the two options. I am struggling with the same decision myself. As are most of your friends here. But I can assure you, it won't get better if you continue down this path. I''m over a decade in bed with my disorder, and I am certain that I have fucked my body irreversibly. I don't want that for you, no one does.

    I am sorry you're at this low, and I know it's painful to have people watching your weight. But they're doing it because you're at a critical point and you need help. I hope you can accept it from them. Your life isn't over yet.

    You have more jackets to make. Your American friend would like to buy one. So stay healthy so I can get a handmade Australian jacket from one of the loveliest people I know.

    Stay strong Bella, and please don't give up. I'll be rooting for you the whole way.
    <3 Anna

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  5. I really worry about you, you're too precious. Please be careful and look after yourself, I know it's not easy. I can't wait to see your coat!
    xxx

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  6. Scary! Good luck <3

    I'm not sure what to say, besides the usual that you have all of us behind you, and you can come to any of us if you need someone to talk to

    <3

    Can't wait to see your coat!

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  7. Hi, I just happened to come across your blog. I am a recovering(?...hopefully...lol) bulimic who used to be anorexic, and I almost cried when I read this post as it reminded me of myself... I just want to give you a hug and tell you that you are not alone.
    Please do take care of yourself...
    Be strong! xx

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