Friday, 19 July 2013


Since seeing the dietician on Tuesday, I've been working to add an extra 200 calories or so into my daily intake.

I've been having a little serve of fruit with my lunch every day, which has so far been either watermelon, cantaloupe or apple. My sandwich fillings are branching out too. Instead of just a low-fat cheese slice, I might add a little lean ham, or have a mashed boiled egg instead (though I'm still stuck on my 50-cal bread). 

I've also been attempting more substantial dinners, with mixed success. Last night I cooked a chicken, rice and peas dish for my family and I. I served my usual sized bowlful, though it was twice the calories of my standby soups & stews, and a lot more filling (which shouldn't surprise me, but it always does). I felt bloated before I'd even finished eating, so I ended up weighing the leftovers and donating them to my dog. Even still, it's always nice to cook and share a meal with my family.
Tonight I'm just reheating some stew to have with a slice of toast. Thankfully I still have a backup supply of soup and stew in the freezer for days where I just can't deal with a 'proper dinner'.

With the changes, I've been eating between 800-1,000 calories each day. The changes are small on paper, but in my stomach and mind they're huge, and I don't like it. I'm still standing at the crossroads, leaning in the right direction, but not yet comfortable with the idea of eating more and maintaining my weight. Everything about it is overwhelming. The more I eat, the more stressed and unstable I feel.

Mood-wise not a lot's changed. I slept for 7 hours last night though, so hopefully the Seroquel is starting to help in some way, but the daytimes are still a manic hell. 
I haven't been posting as much lately because trying to get my thoughts and feelings out works me into the same frenzied state it did over the New Year. I spend hours writing and checking and re-writing, and I can never express myself properly anyway, so forgive me if I'm a little vague. 

I'm still sewing every day, working on that vintage dress. It's one of the few things I can really focus on at the moment, and time disappears. It's taking me stupidly long to make any progress, my perfectionism is driving me crazy, but hopefully it'll be worth it and I'll have an end result that I'm proud of. 

Oh, and I wore my coat to see the dietician the other day, and mum snapped some pics. The light drowned out my coat completely, so I had to mess around with the brightness etc. a little, though it's still pretty crappy.



  1. Small progress is still progress hon. 800-1000 is a lot better than 400, that's for sure. You're coat looks lovely, and actually I just got a navy blue coat for this winter and I hope it's warm enough. Love you dear, keep it up even though it's hard.

  2. You are doing so well Bella. It's so good to see you working hard to get better. I'm so proud of you :)
    Your coat looks great on you~ Can't wait to see your vintage dress!
    Take care, gorgeous!

  3. I'm so glad to read this Bella
    Small steps add up to be great strides
    Dive yourself credit for what you are doing

    I get a really positive feeling from this post and that is so great
    Your coat looks so good on you, it fits perfectly
    You are talented, you have a gift, don't forget that

    Much love sweetheart x

  4. Your doing good hunn! Upping your intake is always a hard thing to do, no one is expecting you to jump up 200 calories and be perfectly fine with it. The important thing is that you are trying.

    The coat looks absolutely gorgeous on you. I can't wait to see the dress when its done!

    Stay positive love.

  5. Keep going with your intake! I know it feels like a lot but give it a week or two and you'll settle. (I know a week or two is eternity when you have to feel full for that long but you can do it! Distract yourself as much as you can)
    Reach out before you need help so you can stay on track.
    I wish I could reach through the computer and give you a giant happy hug right now.

    I love the coat, by the way. It looks amazing on you.

  6. The dress looks absolutely beautiful on you. :)

    I just started following your blog yesterday, but it's been so inspiring for me, being somebody who struggles with the constant tango of relapse and recovery. Keep on trying with your intake: it seems as though while you're struggling with it, that it's surely becoming a great thing for you!

    Oh, I also adore your sewing. :3

  7. Any step forward is a huge step forward if you ask me, and you should be super proud of yourself! I know it may be uncomfortable, but keep pushing yourself, don't weigh yourself, and try to show some love to your body <3 You are worth the fight. We never see that in ourselves but I promise it is true for you!

  8. Start small. Take control of this instead of letting it have control over you.

    Find that strength inside you.

  9. I'm really proud of you Bel. I know it's a scary thing. Any try is a good one. I say that a lot but I mean it. You look beautiful in your coat, but I think you'd look radiant with an added smoke. You know where to find me if you wanna talk. I love you.

  10. super cute coat! :) I'm so excited to hear you're so open about your intake despite it being scary/threatening. The foundation is there... adding fruit, cooking, serving yourself the correct portion, even if you don't eat it all... I can kinda relate because if I don't take changes slowly, I get overwhelmed and just quit completely. But you can do it:)


  11. Wow you're gorgeous. I love your hair and your coat <3

  12. You are doing very well and should be super pleased with yourself Plus that coat is fabulous! You could make and sell clothes if you wanted to.. You have a great talent bella!

  13. Keep going Bella, I'm so incredibly proud of you!

    Love and Big Hugs xxx