Changes

Since seeing the dietician on Tuesday, I've been working to add an extra 200 calories or so into my daily intake.

I've been having a little serve of fruit with my lunch every day, which has so far been either watermelon, cantaloupe or apple. My sandwich fillings are branching out too. Instead of just a low-fat cheese slice, I might add a little lean ham, or have a mashed boiled egg instead (though I'm still stuck on my 50-cal bread). 

I've also been attempting more substantial dinners, with mixed success. Last night I cooked a chicken, rice and peas dish for my family and I. I served my usual sized bowlful, though it was twice the calories of my standby soups & stews, and a lot more filling (which shouldn't surprise me, but it always does). I felt bloated before I'd even finished eating, so I ended up weighing the leftovers and donating them to my dog. Even still, it's always nice to cook and share a meal with my family.

Tonight I'm just reheating some stew to have with a slice of toast. Thankfully I still have a backup supply of soup and stew in the freezer for days where I just can't deal with a 'proper dinner'.

With the changes, I've been eating between 800-1,000 calories each day. The changes are small on paper, but in my stomach and mind they're huge, and I don't like it. I'm still standing at the crossroads, leaning in the right direction, but not yet comfortable with the idea of eating more and maintaining my weight. Everything about it is overwhelming. The more I eat, the more stressed and unstable I feel.

Mood-wise not a lot's changed. I slept for 7 hours last night though, so hopefully the Seroquel is starting to help in some way, but the daytimes are still a manic hell. 

I haven't been posting as much lately because trying to get my thoughts and feelings out works me into the same frenzied state it did over the New Year. I spend hours writing and checking and re-writing, and I can never express myself properly anyway, so forgive me if I'm a little vague. 

I'm still sewing every day, working on that vintage dress. It's one of the few things I can really focus on at the moment, and time disappears. It's taking me stupidly long to make any progress, my perfectionism is driving me crazy, but hopefully it'll be worth it and I'll have an end result that I'm proud of. 

Oh, and I wore my coat to see the dietician the other day, and mum snapped some pics. The light drowned out my coat completely, so I had to mess around with the brightness etc. a little, though it's still pretty crappy.

xxBella