I was terrified of stepping on the scales today, but after three weeks away, it was a huge relief to see my dietician.
I've been eating much the same as I was before she went on holiday, though I've been trying to keep it a little on the higher side. Nothing drastic, but fewer 400-500 calorie days and more 700-800 days. It's been enough to keep me out of hospital at least, which seemed to be a looming concern for a while there.
She asked if I think I'm in a place where I can start working to raise my intake again, which I do. I don't think I have much choice. For now, she wants me to get as close to 1,000 calories as I can, and go from there.
Finally; a step in the right direction.
Then the conversation turned to weight. Unsurprisingly, she said my weight was 'quite different' when my GP had weighed me. But when I got on the scales this morning, I was back down to the same weight I was pre-holiday.
Then I asked how much I'd lost overall. Curiosity killed the cat.
She pulled up the numbers from last June, when I started seeing her and stopped weighing myself at 47.4kg, compared to now.
I've lost 5kg. Last time I asked, it was 3kg.
For one reason or another, knowing my weight was the first step back towards maintaining it, and I hope the same logic holds this time.
The GP had left notes for her about my blood pressure, blood tests, medication and the like. She asked how I was going since having my Seroquel dosage upped, and if the mania had effected my eating at all.
I haven't felt a difference yet, not like I did when I first started taking them. I still feel manic. Taking them of a morning has no impact either, I still run at 110%. It doesn't effect my eating too much, so long as I have someone around to keep me in line.
That said, Mum was out for a day over the weekend, and I was so worked up sewing and unpicking and re-stitching my dress, trying to get everything perfect, that I just forgot to eat between breakfast and dinner. But the sewing keeps my mind occupied and the breakdowns to a minimum. I just feel horribly awake and buzzed all the time. I'm so edgy and jittery it's unbelievable.
But I digress.
As for raising my intake, I'm starting small and keeping it safe, as always. A serve of fruit with lunch. More calorie-dense dinners than soup and stew; like rice, potato or lean meat based dishes. I think I'll give it a week or two before I start looking at Ensures to make up for missed calories again, but I think I'm starting back on the right path.