Tuesday, 16 July 2013

Turning Point

Current Weight: 42.4kg (BMI 12.4)

I was terrified of stepping on the scales today, but after three weeks away, it was a huge relief to see my dietician.

I've been eating much the same as I was before she went on holiday, though I've been trying to keep it a little on the higher side. Nothing drastic, but fewer 400-500 calorie days and more 700-800 days. It's been enough to keep me out of hospital at least, which seemed to be a looming concern for a while there. 
She asked if I think I'm in a place where I can start working to raise my intake again, which I do. I don't think I have much choice. For now, she wants me to get as close to 1,000 calories as I can, and go from there. 
Finally; a step in the right direction.

Then the conversation turned to weight. Unsurprisingly, she said my weight was 'quite different' when my GP had weighed me. But when I got on the scales this morning, I was back down to the same weight I was pre-holiday.
Then I asked how much I'd lost overall. Curiosity killed the cat.
She pulled up the numbers from last June, when I started seeing her and stopped weighing myself at 47.4kg, compared to now.
I've lost 5kg. Last time I asked, it was 3kg. 
For one reason or another, knowing my weight was the first step back towards maintaining it, and I hope the same logic holds this time. 

The GP had left notes for her about my blood pressure, blood tests, medication and the like. She asked how I was going since having my Seroquel dosage upped, and if the mania had effected my eating at all.
I haven't felt a difference yet, not like I did when I first started taking them. I still feel manic. Taking them of a morning has no impact either, I still run at 110%. It doesn't effect my eating too much, so long as I have someone around to keep me in line.
That said, Mum was out for a day over the weekend, and I was so worked up sewing and unpicking and re-stitching my dress, trying to get everything perfect, that I just forgot to eat between breakfast and dinner. But the sewing keeps my mind occupied and the breakdowns to a minimum. I just feel horribly awake and buzzed all the time. I'm so edgy and jittery it's unbelievable. 
But I digress.

As for raising my intake, I'm starting small and keeping it safe, as always. A serve of fruit with lunch. More calorie-dense dinners than soup and stew; like rice, potato or lean meat based dishes. I think I'll give it a week or two before I start looking at Ensures to make up for missed calories again, but I think I'm starting back on the right path. 



  1. Oh my gosh! You are sooo thin!..... :(
    It must be awfully hard to try to raise your intake when you are so afraid of stepping on the scale...
    Take care of yourself hun. You will slowly get there.

  2. I guess you are currently in outpatient treatment as well, did they set any minimum weight/bmi limits for you? Just wondering, because my bmi is much higher than yours (around 14) but I am forced to go inpatient (even though blood results etc. were fine). I just don't understand why. I'm sorry, didn't mean to bother you. No need to answer if you don't want to.. Keep safe xx

  3. im so pleased that the sewing keeps you occupied.. :) cant wait to see what you have made I am sure it will be absolutely perfect! and well done for thinking about upping the intake.. and I think you are doing the right thing with starting off small. Good luck bella!

    Lots of love xx

  4. I'm so glad to hear that the meeting with your dietician went well in regards of upping your intakes. Baby steps are definitely the way to go hunn.

    Keep up the sewing, it sounds like the best distraction at the moment. I can't wait to see the final result on tge dress!

    Stay positive love!

  5. I'm so glad you're going to raise your intake goal! I know you can do it- if you upped it to 700-800 cals before this then you can handle raising it again. It'll be hard, but you're strong and you have sewing to keep your mind from tearing you apart when things get tough.
    Please update us! If there's anything we can do to help or hold you accountable, let us know. We've got your back as much as we can :)

  6. Yay for sewing! You just have to find something you enjoy and then funnel everything negative into it so it transforms to positive. Be careful and take care of yourself. I loveou

  7. I'm glad your visit with the dietician went well. Slowly upping your intake sounds like a good plan for you; hopefully it won't trigger too much anxiety, especially with you easing into it like this.

    You sew beautifully - I saw the pictures of your jacket and I am in AWE.

  8. I'm so glad you're back seeing your dietitian and it sounds like she is able to really help you and that you really respond well to her.

    Stay strong and keep fighting dear Bella. You are too precious to be going through all of this nightmare.

    Big loving hugs to you XXX

  9. That degree of mania sounds scary... I mean, therapeutic, yes, but terrifying at the same time...

    I'm glad you get along with the person so important to your health. Please continue to take care of yourself <3 you're an absolutely amazing and wonderful person.

  10. I'm happy you have decided to move forward and up your intake a little hun, it's a step in the right direction for sure. I hope all goes well for you <3
    Alice xx

  11. I was so happy to read this and hear you want to work towards maintaining (hopefully maybe gaining a little too??). You deserve better than this life of anorexia, and the only way to get there is to be kinder to yourself, and kinder to your body. I am keeping my fingers crossed for you; it may not be easy to adjust your diet or to feel your body changing (or rather, not changing) but trust that you are doing the right thing, even if that nagging voice in your head is telling you otherwise. You are beautiful, and the healthier you are, the more beautiful you will be.
    <3 Good luck Bella!