Tuesday, 9 July 2013


There's one week to go until I see the dietician, and panic has set in. Panic about not knowing what my weight's been doing for three weeks. Panic about what the scales will say when I do see the dietician. Up? Down? I don't know which is better and which is worse. Could I be lucky enough that I'll weigh exactly the same? No matter what, I know I'll be left with that horrible sinking feeling in my stomach. 

The past week can be described as nothing but stressful. I feel incredibly anxious, edgy all the time. I know I need to start eating more and stop losing weight, but trying to do it without any guidance isn't working. I start the day with the best intentions, telling myself that I can eat an extra hundred calories, or that I can join in on a family dinner. But when the time comes to actually eat, fear and guilt take over, and what I'd planned to eat suddenly seems excessive. By the end of the day, I'm back to square one.
Best laid plans of mice and men. 

The anxiety that comes with choosing how many calories and what foods to eat is overwhelming, and I end up sticking with what's safe. That's why I need the dietician; because I have no idea what I'm doing. I know I can't afford to lose more weight, but the prospect of gaining terrifies me, and it seems an impossible balance to find maintenance on my own. It's the same spot I always find myself in.

My head's running a mile a minute, and it's all in circles. I can't seem to focus in any one direction.

I feel like I have to keep myself busy, probably because I don't want to stop and think too much. So, it's time for me to whip up a fresh batch of stew for the week ahead (lean beef, carrot, potato, onion, tomato, stock, flour & seasonings), then I'm getting stuck into a new sewing project. I've started working on a dress... a cute little 1952 summer number. I don't know if I'll ever wear it, but it's something fun to distract myself with. After that, I'll be making a full-length super warm wool coat, though for now I'd like a break from the pattern.

Thank you to everyone for the marvelous feedback on my coat. It really helped quieten all those niggling doubts I had about it. 


(It'll be black, of course.)


  1. I know how you feel being anxious about getting weighed, and it must be so much worse when it's someone else weighing you and someone other than yourself who judges you.
    I know that I will most likely end up trying to recover some day, and already I have no clue how I would even start to get back into normal eating and not counting calories.
    Keeping yourself busy is a good idea! oh wow stew is magical and sewing is a great idea, especially when you're as talented at it as you are ;)
    have a good week, try not to let the anxiety and negative thoughts get to you<3 xxxx

  2. I get what you mean... Earlier this year, I used to go to the doctors once every week, and I got weighed every time. I didn't know how to feel about that... A part of me was anxious to know how much I weighed, but I was also sooooo scared... that I might have gained weight... I was losing weight most of the time, but I just couldn't decide whether I should be happy about it or not...
    It is great that you have a hobby to distract yourself and keep you away from thoughts about ED. You are so good at sewing! I wish I were as talented as you :)

  3. I completely understand your anxiety about getting weighed. Loss, maintenance or gain all bring bad feelings. Do you have a scale at home at all or do you prefer your dietitian to weigh you?

    It's funny isn't it, we think we know everything about food, but when it comes to eating more/deciding what to eat, we haven't got a clue. I hope you get some good advice from your dietitian. Do you think she can help you? In the meantime, making stew is good, no matter whether it is safe or not, at least you are eating something. I worry so much about you dear Bella.

    I can't wait to see you modelling this fabulous dress!

    Take lots of care. *hugs* xxx

  4. thats why you need the hospital and the doctors to help you get your weight up dear~ Stay strong.

  5. That coat was seriously amazing! I can't wait to see what you do with this dress! I'm glad you have sewing to serve as a distraction from all the stress and worry. Take care Bella

  6. I know this probably isn't an option but what if you gave up control over your portions for a week? Maybe your mom could dish out what she thinks are appropriate portions of the foods you normally eat, and then you eat as much as you can from them.
    I know I wouldn't want to do it, but as a last resort it might be good to use the people around you as resources to help yourself.
    Keep fighting Bella :)

  7. I have no idea what you're going through, but I do hope for the best for you. It sounds like it's really hard and you deserve so much better from life...
    Show us the dress when it's done? It seems like it'll be really cool! <3