I had an epiphany of sorts the other day: that nothing really matters. But not in a woeful way. It's like something clicks, and I realize: Eat, don't eat, it'll all be the same in the morning. Go on a cooking marathon, don't enter the kitchen, the obsession will still be there tomorrow. Hungry, full? Who cares. None of it actually matters, and the realization filled me with a bizarre giddiness. I don't know what triggered it, but it feels good.
Yesterday I was very distressed, and couldn't keep together enough to cross stitch. It was not a good day. I'm so glad I'm seeing the lovely GP on Tuesday. So, I finished it today instead. Sorry it's not much to look at. I've spent hours cross stitching and, apart from yesterday, it's kept my worries at bay. I'm starting on another tomorrow, which is bigger and more detailed. For now at least, it's proving to be a great distraction. I haven't even given a thought to food until mum prompts me to have my next mini-meal.
My intake's been sitting comfortably around 500, and I'm hoping to see some downward-action on the scales this week. The dietician is away for a seminar on Tuesday, so I'm seeing her first thing Friday instead. It's become cold and rainy, so I timed it well for making a batch of soup. I'm also drinking much more coffee again, in a futile attempt to warm myself up.
And I'm still avoiding it like the plague, but I know I need to weigh myself soon. I've lost at least a couple of kilos in the last few months, and I couldn't be more than 45kg (BMI 13.1), maybe even a little less but I don't want to get my hopes up. I did some quick measurements the other day, and they've gone down a bit since October. I'll do a proper measure when I (eventually) weigh, and update my stats then. It seems like I'm always waiting 'just two more weeks', ugh.
xxBella
Kitty! It looks like Marie from the Aristocats. Cute.
ReplyDeleteyou make me want to start crafting again! good luck with your appointments on tuesday and friday! im glad you made some sort of realization for yourself.
ReplyDeletestay lovely. <3
oh it's lovely! Think I might get out my cross stitch tomorrow :)
ReplyDeleteBeautiful Bella
ReplyDeleteYou are talented young lady
I really hope that you don't lose more weight, you really can't afford to
I know I'm one to talk but I worry for you so
You are a dear friend
Loe you sweetheart x
That picture contains 2 very pretty things - the kitty and its creator xxxxx
ReplyDeleteGood work girlie! I'm glad that you've found something to keep your hands and your mind busy :)
ReplyDeletexx
When I think about it not mattering I like to think of it as things will be okay no matter what and eventually. I hope you feel better sweetie. You are amazing.
ReplyDeleteI love your kitty! Staying busy is my remedy too.
<3
hope you dont mind me commenting, do you get the tachycardia when you stand up, not while lying down? if so take a look at a condition called p.o.t.s. ive lived with it for a time,and sounds familiar. pretty little x stitch too, i found them a great distraction. x
ReplyDeleteYou're kitty is adorable! Cross stitching is great- I recently got Into it but sadly I haven't had much time to spend cross stitching as I would like. That's what's so great about crafty projects involving hand (cross stitching, knitting, crocheting, etc)- they keep your mind away from the thoughts that bother you.
ReplyDeleteAmazing! That is really cute! I'm jealous you found something to keep you busy. I've tried crocheting but I get bored too quickly. *tears aha
ReplyDeleteYay kitty! Keeping busy definitely helps keep my mind off of food and other things... I've spent the whole day cleaning today... Take care <3
ReplyDeleteAlice xx
That's a tiny tiny bmi. That's definitly danger zone right there. Please be careful. What a true thought. Listening to the voices doesn't ever make them go away. And AWWWWWW what a cute little cross stitch! You did such a good job!
ReplyDelete