Wednesday, 20 March 2013

Lost

I saw the GP yesterday. It was just one of those days, and I didn't feel much like talking. She put me up to 100mg seroquel, and gave me more ointment for my fingers to see if I can avoid antibiotics. As soon as we left I cried in the car. Just one of those days.

Today has been routine. I'm moments away from bed, and my calories are slightly under 500 for the day. Yesterday was more like 900. I'm doing what I can with each meal, but most meals I just have my safe 100-cal options. Soup, apples, grapes, toast and yoghurt are my 'go-to's right now. Sometimes, like yesterday, I'll cook a family dinner, or we'll all share cheese and crackers. But most of the time, I just have zilch motivation for food.

I can't wait to talk with my dietician on Friday. I feel lost and confused, like I'm stumbling around while my head's at war. Lose, maintain, eat, don't eat. I'm breaking down in tears and hurting myself more again. I just need something to ground me, something to end the chaos. I need a reason not to lose more. But there isn't one. Until then...

In an effort to ignore everything going on in my head, I've been doing needlework like crazy. I stitched this lost little teddy bear in four days. Obviously, I have precious little else to do with my time. Technically it's a needlepoint, not a cross stitch, but whatever. Isn't he just adorable?


xxBella

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8 comments:

  1. Ruby Tuesday21 March 2013 at 00:15

    Bella you are such a beautiful person
    I hope you know that or at least take my word for it

    Sending you hope ,faith, courage and a big hug

    Love you dear friend x

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  2. PrettyLies21 March 2013 at 01:33

    That bear is so cute!! You're really good at needlepoint, I could probably never have the patience for that. And yogurt, I know..something about it is just really good, it seems to be fail proof. I've been on Greek yogurt.

    Insomnia does suck, it's starting to affect me. And crying...sometimes I feel like i should cry, even though I don't. Weird. And try not to feel too lost. You're making adorable needlework and spending time with your family, right? That's something.

    Love ya hon, take care. You've been commenting a lot so that makes me feel special, yay :)

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  3. Eve21 March 2013 at 04:03

    I feel the same.. there's no time limit and there's no deadline. It's not like every day is my last to be thin. I hate that. Eat, don't eat, enjoy, don't. I feel for you love. Your bear is adorable!
    Keep on keeping on. Healing, like being then, takes time.

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  4. Vampire21 March 2013 at 05:52

    D'aw I wish I could do stuff like that! It seems like it'd be fun. (The needlepoint thing)

    I hope you start feeling better...

    Try to stay sane? <3 We're all here for you.

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  5. Jess21 March 2013 at 17:39

    I'm loving your craft efforts! Just wonderful! <3 I'm so sorry things are so tough for you dearest. Please keep fighting. Love and hugs xxxx

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  6. Emily Anonymous22 March 2013 at 04:10

    It is adorable!
    I hope your dietician is able to help you get through what's going on in your head. Motivation is so hard to come by and it leaves so easily. Sometimes the best way to get it up again is to rely on other people to boost us.

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  7. Anonymous23 March 2013 at 00:50

    That is a cute little teddy bear! I hope your talk with your dietician goes well- maybe she'll say or do something that will help you out a lot. Confusion and chaos do not sound like very pleasant things to deal with!

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  8. Angharad 3 April 2013 at 10:52

    I love your cross stitch! I love doing them too - they are such a good distraction and I have done so many over the last few weeks. You are super talented! I hope you felt better after speaking to your dietitian. I always do - I have an amazing dietitian. Take care and much love xx

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