Sunday, 24 March 2013

Tempting voices and shrunken ears

"Just a few more weeks," chimes the voice in my head "just a few more kilos, then you'll be happy maintaining."
I've been playing the same game for years, and I know I'll never win. I'll never be thin enough, yet I still keep trying. I could lose another 20lb, and still want to lose 'just a few more'. But those poisonous whispers still sound so sweet.

On a lighter note, Mum told me the other day that I've "lost more weight in [my] right ear". Apparently she's noticed my piercing jewelry seriously needing a downsize (ditto for my navel and napes). Needless to say, it sent me into a fit of laughter. It just seemed hilarious at the time. "Dear God, not my right ear!"

I drank last night, after a day full of stress and anxiety. As well as a hearty dinner to soak it up, the total damage was only 1,205 for the day - 300 beforehand, 500 for wine, 400 for dinner. A lot of it came back up, anyway (whoopsie). Honestly, I'm not drinking that often. Once or twice a week, though that's still too much. My dietician says that all calories have some nutritional value for me, even the empty ones. So that eases the guilt a tiny bit, strangely enough.

I'll be ending today closer to 550 calories, and tomorrow will probably be similar. To be honest, I think I need a daily bitch-slap from my dietician. On Tuesday, I might ask her to write me a frank note for me to look at each morning. Maybe I'll do some goal-setting with her too, if I feel less conflicted about it by then.

I'm also trying to keep up with this 'boosting my self-esteem' thing, so I dyed and straightened my hair. I absolutely love having freshly dyed hair, I should really do it more often.



  1. No your right ear! :P
    I love that red! I expect to see you at a metal concert with me or something.
    Don't listen to that voice. It's wrong. You are beautiful and so is your heart. I love you girl! Hugs!

    1. Oh PS I hit the wrong button on my phone and it deleted your comment and I was like well, it was a dumb post anyway so I didn't want you to think I deleted it on purpose! <3

  2. Wow, you are so beautiful! And that hair colour is lovely, it really suits you!
    I understand how hard it is to live every waking minute with that pestering voice whispering toxic words. It just makes you want to break down. Try not to feel defined or degraded by your illness, and I know it's difficult to think of yourself as a person beyond your condition but believe me, keep trying. Recovery is the hardest part with anything, I reckon. People expect it to be so lovely and happy and perfect but it's not - it's probably the scariest, most uncomfortable and daunting time for anyone. Hope all goes well, you'll be in my thoughts and remember, you are beautiful inside and out! :) xoxo

  3. Those are lovely pictures of you! Freshly dyed hair is the best- it's always so colorful and "new"! (I like the auburn hair color as well- I tried it once but unfortunately red fades so fast!)

    You're right though, the voice that says, "Good, your reached your goal weight...but, you can go a bit lower," is a dangerous one. One that never stops because no number is ever good enough. Though it's a voice that's tempting to listen to.

    Speaking if your dietician leaving a note you could read- I just though that someone needs to create a drill sergeant app or something. Like, you type in a note or what you want it to say (eating, goals, whatever) and then periodically throughout the day this loud drill sergeant will start yelling at you, "GET UP OFF YOUR FEET MAGGOT! DO YOU THINK THOSE EMPTY CALORIES WILL BENEFIT YOU?! EAT SOMETHING HEALTHY MAGGOT! YOU CAN DO THIS AND DON'T LET THOSE VOICES TELL YOU ANY DIFFERENT!" That's probably a bit lame but I liked the idea :D

  4. Oh noes, the ear, the ear!

    Anyway, I love your hair and jeez, do I wish my puny strands could look like that. Instead I dye it purple and keep it short.

  5. You look amazing with red hair! and i'm jealous of your skin color :)
    What B 24 said though! I've always been searching for some app that would remind us everyday and give us that daily dose of encouragement.
    It's good that you know the differences of those voices :)
    good luck<3

  6. You can lose weight from your ear? o_O Whoa.

    From the pictures you've posted, it looks like you couldn't lose 20lbs O_O You're already absolutely tiny...

    Gorgeous hair though. <3

  7. It sounds like having your dietician write you a letter might help - anything, at this point, that will help combat those awful feelings is worth a try, right?

    Your hair looks amazing, by the way. I wish I could pull off such a fun color. I'm natually blonde and only dyed my hair dark brown once. It was semi-permanent but lasted forever. I'd love to be a redhead though!

    Oh and I thought you might be interested in this etsy shop - it's kind of expensive, but worth a look:

  8. Niceee!! I love that color on you!
    And ear :DD, just too great!!


  9. You always leave such lovely comments. Seriously thank you. And you are gorgeous. Love the new hair! I think your plan with your dietician sounds like a great idea :) Look forward to hearing how it goes ;) <3 Jade

  10. i think your hair looks beautiful! i've always wanted to dye mine.
    i also had absolutely no idea you could lose weight off your ears. it's probably the funniest thing i've heard today.

  11. your hair looks so nice! it's so long and shiny, i'm utterly jealous. freshly dyed hair does feel amazing doesn't it? don't over-do it though, i used to dye mine to the point where most of it snapped off :'( and it takes a looooooong time to grow back!
    you look stunning in all your pictures by the way, and i think your ears look fine just the way they are :D take care xxxx

  12. You really do look nice in those pics. Freshly dyed hair, sunshine, wine, whatever you need to feel good. Sometimes when I can't sleep, even at five in the morning, my thoughts turn to a dark place and I make my self feel better by doing my hair, etc. Let's could be good. My therapist lay week, we did goals and he wrote out how I am currently in concise statements, summed it up. It was hard to hear how my eating patterns and self esteem and depression are so low, when I didn't even really think I was depressed at all . Good luck with your dietician dear!

  13. It's beautiful! I love your little reward to yourself for being you.
    I also completely understand where you're coming from with the poisonous whispers in your head. If you can fight them off even a little from day to day, week to week, then you could at least stay out of the weight loss danger zone.
    Your dietician sounds amazing! I think it must be really hard to find a good one who understands EDs and doesn't pressure you so much to follow dietary rules.

  14. You're really beautiful Bella :)
    Hope you're keeping well.

  15. Love your hair colour, mine is almost exactly the same :)
    Be kind to yourself, hun.