I'm finding myself, more often than not, feeling strangely torn. I'm still driven to lose weight, but I know that I should move back towards maintenance. It's a problem of mind over matter. My daily calories reflect my headspace. On a usual day, it's close to 500. On a day I can reconcile things in my head, and feel half-okay with eating a bit more and maintaining my weight, it'll head toward 1,000. But how much longer can my body take the indecision? I don't know. I don't know.
A lot of its a case of mind over matter though, isn't it? My head is the only ruling voice on what I can and can't eat, how much I should weigh. Mum will try to console me that I "haven't really eaten that much", or that I "don't need to lose more weight", and I bark back at her that she doesn't decide that. My eating disorder does, and no one else. My dietician can't help convince me to up my calories either, because my head just doesn't seem willing.
I'm taking things one day at a time, one meal at a time, one moment at a time. And my weight is slowly dropping. Even if I actively tried to maintain my weight now, it wouldn't work, it wouldn't 'stick'. While there's such combat in my head, while I still have that burning desire to lose weight, there's no change. How do I make my head okay with maintaining my weight again? I just don't know. Sorry, I'm rambling here. I'm feeling very confused and full-of-thoughts.
I'm off to the lovely GP tomorrow afternoon. I'm pretty sure I have another infection already. I have such a long list of things to ask about, and I'm barely making a dint in it. I guess I'll see what comes up tomorrow and just go with it.
Thank you all for your continued support, it means the world to me.