Monday, 18 March 2013

Mind over Matter

I'm finding myself, more often than not, feeling strangely torn. I'm still driven to lose weight, but I know that I should move back towards maintenance. It's a problem of mind over matter. My daily calories reflect my headspace. On a usual day, it's close to 500. On a day I can reconcile things in my head, and feel half-okay with eating a bit more and maintaining my weight, it'll head toward 1,000. But how much longer can my body take the indecision? I don't know. I don't know.

A lot of its a case of mind over matter though, isn't it? My head is the only ruling voice on what I can and can't eat, how much I should weigh. Mum will try to console me that I "haven't really eaten that much", or that I "don't need to lose more weight", and I bark back at her that she doesn't decide that. My eating disorder does, and no one else. My dietician can't help convince me to up my calories either, because my head just doesn't seem willing.

I'm taking things one day at a time, one meal at a time, one moment at a time. And my weight is slowly dropping. Even if I actively tried to maintain my weight now, it wouldn't work, it wouldn't 'stick'. While there's such combat in my head, while I still have that burning desire to lose weight, there's no change. How do I make my head okay with maintaining my weight again? I just don't know. Sorry, I'm rambling here. I'm feeling very confused and full-of-thoughts.

I'm off to the lovely GP tomorrow afternoon. I'm pretty sure I have another infection already. I have such a long list of things to ask about, and I'm barely making a dint in it. I guess I'll see what comes up tomorrow and just go with it.

Thank you all for your continued support, it means the world to me.



  1. It's okay to not be 100%. God knows I'm definitely not. And as far as the Kate project, it's really not that bad of a project in itself, it's actually kind of cool to design and make, but it's just like...Kate is the epitome of skinny, and I'm just like "oh, well look at lil' old me" She's almost 40 years old and still fucking perfect. No fair.

  2. Hello pretty little bella and boo, I really hope your appointment goes okay and that you manage to make agreements with your head soon - i definitely understand how head rules decisions. I don't understand mine, it is so volatile. sometimes I give myself a bigger limit and head goes "no screw you, don't eat all that, don't eat at all" and other times it is "screw you i want more"

    i cant seem to win.

    i really hope you are coping, i know things are tough xxxx

  3. I certainly hope you don't have an infection. That would suck with everything else that's going on.
    It's so hard to change the thoughts in your head telling you to do certain things, be certain ways. It takes a lot of time and fighting, which is exactly what it sounds like you're giving it. I say good job and you're doing well as long as you keep trying to figure out what you need.

  4. Mary tells me that when we are underweight we struggle to make even the smallest decision
    I know I do
    Don't put too much stress on yourself or at least try not to

    I have my doctor tomorrow and have a huge list of questions
    I need answers
    I'm tired of being fobbed off

    Love you x

  5. I feel like everything is too much every day... last night it was "look weird or eat a piece of pie with my friend?" I ate the piece of pie. Just hard, I know.
    Hugs sweetie. Keep looking up.

  6. I always wonder if that voice inside our heads will ever go away! Sadly for me its "You haven't eaten much, one cookie will be okay." ugh

    Hope you DON'T have an infection and that all goes well :)

  7. Stay strong, hun, and stay safe. Let us know how it goes with your doctor!