Sunday, 3 March 2013

The few days spent down the coast were wonderful. Stressful, but wonderful nonetheless.
We shared cake and drank coffee in the hotel cafe, as mothers and daughters should do. We bought local cheese, and went for meandering drives around the waterfront. For dinner, we went to an amazing Italian place, and drank wine both nights. We even went to the buffet breakfast. It was surreal, and so nice to get out of the house and spend time with mum.

Back home, I feel trapped. I have a certain fear to go out in my town, and I didn't have that fear hours down the coast. I had the freedom to go out while we were away, and that freedom's been lost again. I'm back to always being on edge, always looking over my shoulder, on the rare occasion I leave the house.

I'm not too worried about a potential weight gain. Even though we ate out for every meal, I kept my choices and portions sensible. Any gains can be taken care of in the next week. For today, we have a 1kg bag of Thompson seedless grapes in the fridge, which mum and I are planning to start devouring later. And I'm going to make up a big batch of tomato soup to reheat for a lazy dinner option. I'm not cooking much at all anymore, which kinda sucks, but I just don't have the energy.

I can see my body changing, slowly but surely. My arms are shrinking, the hollow in my back below my ribcage deepening. Mum looks at me and tells me I've lost more weight. And yet I'm still so scared of that damn number, and I know it'll never be enough. I still expect the scales to tell me I haven't lost anything.



  1. You're a stork girl! Soooo tallllll! :)
    I'm so glad to hear you had a good time with your mom! It's nice to get away. I know when I go back to my hometown I'm on edge. I don't like it or the people so it's just meh.
    Hugs lovely

  2. It's great to hear you were able to take a tiny break from the stress and anxiety, it sounds like you were able to at least. Your trip sounded amazing. Hope it was as good as it sounded.

    Love, Allison :)

    1. Wow, that was horrible comment: three 'sound'. Well...hope you forgive me

  3. I am glad you managed to enjoy yourself despite it being stressful:-) You look so so gorgeous and tiny bella and so fragile i hope youre okay. im sorry i dnt hav much to say im really sad and wordless but i love u xxxxx

  4. No offense, but it's kind of scary how thin you are... =/ Please be careful. You're beautiful... I love your hair.. but... you look scary. I'm really sorry.

    I'm glad you managed to enjoy yourself. =) I hope that starts happening more in your life. You definitely deserve it.

  5. You are so beautiful and so stylish too. Your trip sounds so fun!

  6. Hey lovely, thought I commented on this post but I didn't. I really love the second outfit, very cute, even cuter with a badass necklace or earrings. Thanks for the comment on my post, I need some sort of plan to focus on, I can't just do the whole "eat when you're hungry and whatever you want route, because it turns into binging or shoveling junk into my mouth or whatever. Maybe I can ask about that on Monday, because I know if I make it, it'll be too restricting. Making soup sounds nice, I hate not being able to cook. Take care lovely :)

  7. Love your dress and so happy to hear that you had a nice time with your mum. I'm dying for a vacation too, someplace warm.