Thursday, 7 March 2013

Lifeless

I've again come to the realization that my days are very empty. I sit in my chair and smoke and pick, and I wait for time to pass.
I simply don't know what to do with myself.
Why is it so hard to figure out? Do people normally stare into space all day, not sure what to do?

I need to change this. I'm trying, but it's difficult. I don't even do much walking around at the moment because I just don't have the energy. Mum is helping to prepare my food again. And I feel horribly stuck.
I need a goal, I need motivation. I just need something to do.

Maybe I'm depressed. I don't know. I just feel down. My head is a lot calmer since starting seroquel though, which is brilliant. I have my bad days, but I don't feel constantly manic anymore.

We're in the middle of another heat wave, with nearly two weeks straight of over 30*c. I can't wait for autumn to set in. So I've been hiding inside and trying to keep my fluids up, which I'm still failing at most days for some unknown reason. Mum and I have been catching up on Masterchef: The Professionals, so that's been a good distraction.

After the few days of excessive food and drink last week (which did result in a gain), I'm so glad to be back to routine again. I'm back to my tomato soup for 40 calories per cup (and three serves of veggies!), and the bag of grapes is disappearing at a rapid rate. My intake's sitting around 5-600 again, which isn't too bad either way.
On a final note, I had my first Golden Delicious of the season today! It was amazing. So now you don't have to hear me mope about missing my favourite apples anymore.


xxBella

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9 comments:

  1. Ruby Tuesday7 March 2013 at 23:25

    Sending you all my love and a big hug

    I can totally relate
    Not knowing what to do anymore
    I remember my sponsor used to say to me if you don't know what to do, do the opposite of what you think you should do
    Eg, if I think I should purge, don't purge
    It's simple but it worked for me for a while
    It can get confusing though

    Try to take care of you
    You are too precious x

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  2. Nina of the Night8 March 2013 at 02:05

    i completely relate. without my degree and now my job shifts are minimal, my days are spent going to appointments and in my head.

    make me something pretty or draw or paint? your stars were stunning. or do something creative that doesnt require much energy?

    love you bella (and boo)
    lots and lots and lots xxx

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  3. Melissa8 March 2013 at 02:49

    Glad to hear that your favorite apples are back...also, I think I might have tomato soup for dinner. I'm craving it now.
    As for motivation, I get into ruts like that too sometimes. If you enjoy reading, I would highly suggest that. Reading has helped me find and fuel some of my greatest inspirations in life. Much love. x

    <3 Melissa
    wildflwrchild.blogspot.com

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  4. Eve8 March 2013 at 04:28

    I love when you've been waiting forever amd something comes in season. Towards middle to end of summer Colorado peaches start coming over and they're so big and juicy and sweet. My favorite. :) and pomegranates in the winter. I wishI had the patience for a garden.
    Hugs love
    I really hope you feel better soon :(

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  5. Emily Anonymous8 March 2013 at 05:43

    Thanks for commenting!
    I'll have to look up Masterchef professionals. I love masterchef (although it's extremely overdramatic in my opinion) so I bet I'd love this other one too.
    When I'm home for break I kind of feel this way too. I just pace and snack or sit around and do nothing because I don't know what to do. What sometimes helps me break this is writing out goals the day beforehand so then I have a list to accomplish. And even if I get everything done in an hour and I spend the rest of the day moping, I feel better about myself because I got SOMETHING done.
    It's funny you mention the heat because up here I'd love some of that. Spring is supposed to come in about two weeks, but it's going to effectively be winter until mid April :P. Wear t-shirts while you still can!

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  6. Depressed Skinny Mess.8 March 2013 at 11:04

    You sound just like me :( I do nothing too...just don't have the motivation...xxx

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  7. Depressed Skinny Mess.8 March 2013 at 11:05

    You sound just like me, i do nothing too >< just don't have any motivation :/ xx

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  8. Too Fat for Words8 March 2013 at 21:42

    Hey,
    I've just found your blog and am really liking it hoping to go back and read from the start tonight.
    was on seroquel a few years ago it does wonders sometimes so really hope it helps you.
    i really know the feeling of sitting there staring off into space with nothing to do, it seems to be my life day in and day out at the moment.
    Where abouts in Aus are you?
    If you ever need any help/support my blog is

    http://toofatforwords.blogspot.com.au/

    ReplyDelete
  9. missinsanity.8 March 2013 at 23:20

    i think everyone can relate to that. you should draw something, next time you're feeling bored. something silly looking, like a platypus on a bike. or just a platypus. they're pretty silly. :) i hope something fun comes along! :) take care xx

    ReplyDelete

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