I follow her down the seemingly-endless hallway. It always strikes me as being my weekly 'Walk of Shame'. She turns on the scales, waits for a moment, and I step on sideways (it's much easier than stepping on backwards). I was certain I've gained, or at least not lost.
We get back to her office, and she looks at the computer screen with her brow furrowed. She tells me it's dropped down.
I've lost weight, in only a few days of not-so-restrictive intake. My dietician looked worried - is worried. I told her I have my 100-cal safe options for each of my five meals, and she wants me to make each meal at least 150 (total 750). I don't feel like I can commit to bigger meals for every meal of every day though, so I'm aiming to change just one meal a day, to get me to 6-700 calories... maybe.
It was only a quick appointment, since I saw her on Friday. It made it very easy to go over what I've eaten since then.
Saturday, I made low fat wholemeal pizzas for my family, and I drank a bottle of wine. Reached 1,200 calories for the day, but ended up being sick.
Sunday, I only had half of my soup for dinner, but I had a small chocolate bar before bed. (550 cals total)
Yesterday, I skipped lunch and only had one of my apples in the afternoon, so mum encouraged me to have a chocolate bar for supper. I cried. Ran short on my daily carbs anyway. (450)
So basically, I'm getting nowhere fast. I try, and just can't do it. I'm just floating around, slowly shrinking, waiting for a reason to change and not finding one. I just want to keep losing more.
I'm starting to get my confidence back a bit since dying my hair, and putting makeup on again. My skin is so awful right now, and having nice hair and makeup distracts from it. I even went to the supermarket after the dietician this morning, and didn't feel too self-conscious. Strike one to Bella!
As always, thank you to everyone who takes the time to read and comment. This community means so much to me, and I'm so glad I've had the opportunity to connect with so many of you lovely ladies.