Tuesday, 26 March 2013

The Longest Walk

I follow her down the seemingly-endless hallway. It always strikes me as being my weekly 'Walk of Shame'. She turns on the scales, waits for a moment, and I step on sideways (it's much easier than stepping on backwards). I was certain I've gained, or at least not lost.
We get back to her office, and she looks at the computer screen with her brow furrowed. She tells me it's dropped down.

I've lost weight, in only a few days of not-so-restrictive intake. My dietician looked worried - is worried. I told her I have my 100-cal safe options for each of my five meals, and she wants me to make each meal at least 150 (total 750). I don't feel like I can commit to bigger meals for every meal of every day though, so I'm aiming to change just one meal a day, to get me to 6-700 calories... maybe.

It was only a quick appointment, since I saw her on Friday. It made it very easy to go over what I've eaten since then.
Saturday, I made low fat wholemeal pizzas for my family, and I drank a bottle of wine. Reached 1,200 calories for the day, but ended up being sick.
Sunday, I only had half of my soup for dinner, but I had a small chocolate bar before bed. (550 cals total)
Yesterday, I skipped lunch and only had one of my apples in the afternoon, so mum encouraged me to have a chocolate bar for supper. I cried. Ran short on my daily carbs anyway. (450)

So basically, I'm getting nowhere fast. I try, and just can't do it. I'm just floating around, slowly shrinking, waiting for a reason to change and not finding one. I just want to keep losing more.

I'm starting to get my confidence back a bit since dying my hair, and putting makeup on again. My skin is so awful right now, and having nice hair and makeup distracts from it. I even went to the supermarket after the dietician this morning, and didn't feel too self-conscious. Strike one to Bella!

As always, thank you to everyone who takes the time to read and comment. This community means so much to me, and I'm so glad I've had the opportunity to connect with so many of you lovely ladies.



  1. You look beautiful as ever dear and I love love love the red! It always makes me sad that that is the color that fades the most.
    I definitely say that I understand what you mean. I can't stand having anything but I get hungry and have something anyway.
    You are doing so well and it is a journey.
    Don't forget that you are loved and you are beautiful and I also don't know what I would do without your support either!

  2. You're doing great and you're looking great too!
    I've been trying to be healthy and reading your posts about trying to get better encourage me to get better to and stop over eating sweets.
    Thank YOU for your support too<3

  3. Awww sweetheart, I hate how hard this is becoming for you. Even if you ate 100kcals over your BMR consistently, which you don't ever do at the moment, it would take 35 days to gain a lb in weight, so changing to 750 each day and you will still lose on that anyway, I don't think it will make it any easier, but maybe if yo keep telling yourself this, then having a few marginally higher kcal meals might be more possible? Is the dietician mentioning anything about hospitalisation if your weight drops any more? Love you sweetheart and I'm really plesaed your parcel put a smile on your face for a little while xxx

    1. Yeah :-/ I have to have DBT group and individual, the group teaches the skills and the individual helps you use them/ focuses on you so you don't talk about your behaviours and trigger people in group. i'm wondering if she finds i'm not really trying DBT out that much through the fact it is useless (its good up to a level for disctraction, but then i feel like im a bit beyond the point where distraction will miraculously stop an overdose, i feel like it just will delay it, you know?!) after 6 weeks whether she'll contemplate giving my appointments with her as a psychologist rather than a DBT therapist, since she is a psychologist and when last year when cheryl left for maternity and nobody knew what to do with me, in the big meeting she was asked whether shed be willing to see me given that she thought i should be inpatient and she said yes. i dont think she'll just turn me away she seems nice... who knows.

      i love love love you and you can write to me as much as you need, i love reading everything you write so never worry about that. i really hope you avoid hospital too xxx

  4. Seriously that hair color is wonderful. You have absolutely every reason to feel confident because you are beautiful! I'm so sorry you are having a hard time with increasing intake. I know it can be hard when your ED wants something else. Baby steps. It takes time. You are doing lovely just being you. <3 Jade

  5. You are looking gorgeous hun! Thank you for your lovely comment last week it made me smile to know that though we sought out this community for support in our issues with food and weight, we can still find lovely people to support us through hard times. Keep your head up hun. Changing a habit is hard so don't be too hard on yourself, it may take some time.

    Have a lovely day.

  6. You look beautiful as always sweetheart. I really hope you're okay.
    I'm so sorry you've been struggling to eat recently. Just don't give up and keep fighting, whatever you want you can get if you don't let your ED win.
    I'm so sorry I've been so bad at reading and commenting recently, but thank you so much for your comments, and also for your advice.
    I made the move and texted me ex, and he's replied, so thank you for giving me the courage to make the first move.
    Love you darling, I really hope you're okay. Please take care.

  7. Yay for not feeling self-conscious! That is really good! I love the red, it makes me miss when my hair was that colour.
    I am worrierd to hear you are losing weight, remember to take it one meal at time and you can only do your best.
    Thank you for all your lovely comments on my blog darling <3
    Alice xx

  8. You are so beautiful Bella

    Sorry for the lack of contact
    Hopefully I'll be back soon

    Love you x

  9. I love you! You're such a wonderful writer and person... Yours is one of the few blogs I still read and enjoy.

    Little steps, little steps are good! Less likely that you'll slip back ^_^

    Good luck! I hope you can achieve your goals, whatever they are. (Though personally, I hope they involve you managing this problem and living a long, happy life)

  10. You look so beautiful! I'm glad it's helping to have great hair and wear makeup.
    I think you should do as much as you possibly can calorie-wise. You know you're sinking, so if you're ok with going back to the hospital, you can let yourself. Otherwise, do what you can to keep yourself afloat.
    You're always so positive and you strive to get better every day. It's something to fee good about :)