Friday, 22 March 2013


My dietician is truly a sweetheart. She was working Friday this week, not Tuesday, and wasn't supposed to start until midday. Knowing that I don't eat or drink before being weighed, she insisted on seeing me at our regular time of 8:10 anyway, only to leave straight after. It's not like I would've minded being unable to eat or drink until 1pm, but I think she knows that too.

I explained that I'm feeling very ambivalent about weight and food, that I don't know what to do. Some meals are bigger, most are not. She told me that my weight cannot drop any further, and she's not at all comfortable with how much I've lost. I said that I eat more when I feel able, but it's getting harder. She said she's worried about both my mental and physical state right now, and I need to reverse the 'downward trend'. I hate seeing her look so worried. But, at the same time, she doesn't want to push me because she's scared I wouldn't come back. Apparently it's a miracle I'm not in a medical crisis. She doesn't know how I've avoided one. To be honest, neither do I.

She weighed me right at the end of the appointment. If I'm weighed at the start, she can't get a proper conversation out of me.
"Exactly the same!" chirps the dietician. My cursed ambivalence.
I see her again in only a few days, on my regular Tuesday. "One meal at a time" seems to be my motto right now. I'm cooking my usual weigh-day treat dinner and having a few glasses of wine tonight, and the next few days I'm aiming for 5-800 calories. Something along those lines, anyway...

Also, I've had like 0% self esteem lately, and haven't wanted to show my face in public. I tried to make myself feel a bit better by putting on makeup today... didn't really work. Sigh. Oh well.

Wishing you all a wonderful weekend,


  1. Hi sweetheart, sorry I've been useless at commenting, I love you lots, I hope you know. Lots and lots and lots. I'm so so glad that she is being so supportive and lovely, and I hope you can head in the opposite direction when you feel ready, I guess the more weight you lose the less perspective you retain, which makes it harder to turn the situation around? You know whatever you do I'll be here, even if my commenting is useless. I hope you are managing to find some things to keep yourself occupied.

    Love you xxx

  2. You are beautiful Bella <3 you may not see that but I can. It's so good that you put on make-up. I often do make-up and hair just to 'try' to improve my self-esteem. Do more nice things for yourself dear one :) sending love and hugs your way xxx

  3. Sending you positive vibes! You are a beautiful person to me.

    <3 Melissa

  4. I like your top =3 It's pretty. Just like you! ^_^

    That seems like a really good motto... sounds like it would help with the stress? I hope it does...

    Take care of yourself! You're a beautiful person.

  5. Oh hey there beautiful! :)
    Don't fret okay? One day at a time is what every person is supposed to do love. You're doing great and I know what you mean about the self esteem... mine has been in the tank too and I almost wish I had brought my scale home because I swear to God I've gained but almost don't want to know.
    Oh! Also, we've been over this, I never think you're creepy and don't forget that I love you too dear. I absolutely love your piercings too! You pull them off fantastically.
    I'm giving you a huge hug!

  6. Your dietician sounds lovely and one meal at a time is a good way to go. I'm sorry to hear your self esteem is so low at the moment, I do my hair and make-up every day because I feel too bad if I don't.
    I hope you have a good week sweetie, take care of yourself <3
    Alice xx