My dietician is truly a sweetheart. She was working Friday this week, not Tuesday, and wasn't supposed to start until midday. Knowing that I don't eat or drink before being weighed, she insisted on seeing me at our regular time of 8:10 anyway, only to leave straight after. It's not like I would've minded being unable to eat or drink until 1pm, but I think she knows that too.
I explained that I'm feeling very ambivalent about weight and food, that I don't know what to do. Some meals are bigger, most are not. She told me that my weight cannot drop any further, and she's not at all comfortable with how much I've lost. I said that I eat more when I feel able, but it's getting harder. She said she's worried about both my mental and physical state right now, and I need to reverse the 'downward trend'. I hate seeing her look so worried. But, at the same time, she doesn't want to push me because she's scared I wouldn't come back. Apparently it's a miracle I'm not in a medical crisis. She doesn't know how I've avoided one. To be honest, neither do I.
She weighed me right at the end of the appointment. If I'm weighed at the start, she can't get a proper conversation out of me.
"Exactly the same!" chirps the dietician. My cursed ambivalence.
I see her again in only a few days, on my regular Tuesday. "One meal at a time" seems to be my motto right now. I'm cooking my usual weigh-day treat dinner and having a few glasses of wine tonight, and the next few days I'm aiming for 5-800 calories. Something along those lines, anyway...
Also, I've had like 0% self esteem lately, and haven't wanted to show my face in public. I tried to make myself feel a bit better by putting on makeup today... didn't really work. Sigh. Oh well.
Wishing you all a wonderful weekend,